Page 3 of Acedia

No. No, this wasn’t happening.

Except that it was. It was happening right in front of me, and yet I felt incredibly far away from it all like I was in someone else’s body.

“Mommy is yelling,” I whispered, kneeling down next to the bed, still holding her hand. “Mommy and Giles are fighting. Wake up, Nana. I don’t know what to do. What am I meant to do?”

At some point, Tilly was at my side, which was strange because she knew she absolutely was not allowed in Nana’s room. I had no idea how long I stayed there, the attic growing increasingly chilly from the outside door that was still open, occasionally banging in the wind.

Perhaps it was the sound that caught Clara’s attention, eventually. Her footsteps thundered up the stairs—the easiest way to tell when she was in a bad mood. I felt as though I was taking it all in while floating above my own body somehow.

“What is going on up here?” she demanded from the living area, pulling the outside door closed with a bang. My voicewasn’t working anymore. I opened my mouth to formulate a response, but nothing came out. Maybe because my soul still felt disconnected from my body. “Where are you both? What’s going on?”

The light switch clicked, and Clara screamed. I stayed still and quiet because there was no point making noise. There was no point in anything.

“Get back, Iris!” she shouted, grabbing me beneath my armpits and hauling me backward. I landed on the ground with a thud, pain radiating up my tailbone. “Get out of here. Get out of this room.”

“I need to stay with Nana—”

“OUT!” Clara yelled, her shrill command penetrating the haze in my brain. I crawled along the floor to the door, too disoriented to get to my feet, while Tilly whimpered next to me, pressing her body against mine. I kept going until I found the sofa in the living area, clambering onto it and curling up in a ball with Tilly half on top of me.

I wrapped my shaking arms around her middle, burying my face in her fur. She felt like the last tether that was stopping me from floating away entirely. Tilly needed me. We needed each other. Through every family argument and freezing cold night and moment of frustration where I longed for my life to be more than what it was, she’d been by my side.

For Tilly, I had to be strong.

Why did I go into Nana’s room this morning? I never went into her room. I should have stayed in bed. Gone back to sleep. Started today over. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe I could reset it all.

“What’s going on?” Moriah yelled, several sets of footsteps coming up the stairs. “What is all the screaming about?”

The words were muffled; I didn’t hear anything else. No one paid me any mind as I shrunk further and further down into the sofa cushions, wishing that I could be anywhere but here.

“She’s a curse!” Clara was arguing, and I forced my brain to focus. “First Margaret, now your mother! I’ll be next!”

“They were both old!” Moriah shouted back, the frustration clear in her voice. “Youwillstay here and watch Iris becausethatis in your job description!”

Clara let out a noise of frustration. “If you put me in such a high-stress situation, who knows what I might accidentally say when I’m talking to my friends and family.”

Silence.

No one could argue with that.

Nana said that Clara had signed paperwork that said she couldn’t tell anyone about me, but ultimately, it didn’t matter. If word got out, the damage couldn’t be undone. The knowledge Clara held meant that she always had the upper hand.

Giles was arguing back, but it didn’t sound like he was having much success. I squeezed Tilly tighter, wishing we could fly away somewhere, just the two of us. Somewhere peaceful. Quiet. Welcoming. What would that be like?

“What are we going to do with you?” Moriah asked coolly, making me startle. I hadn’t heard her approach, and now she must have been standing right over me. “We’re all going to Utah. We have Council business to attend to.”

“Oh,” I said, understanding dawning. I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t have to be. I didn’t want to be sent away. “I’ll be okay here on my own. I can look after myself.”

“No you can’t,” Moriah snapped. “You can’tsee. You’ll probably fall down the stairs the moment we’re gone. We’ve got enough on our hands to deal with right now.”

“She’ll have to come with us,” Giles grumbled. “Call your brother to come and deal with… your mom. The body. Godknows he didn’t take care of her when she was alive. Seems like the least he can do now she’s dead.”

Dead.It was such a harsh, permanent word. Did he have to say that? I couldn’t think of Nana that way. Icouldn’t.

“Come with us?!” Moriah shrieked, ignoring the latter half of what he’d said. “Do you have any idea how many high-ranking officials will be there? What do you mean,come with us? Someone will find out about her!”

A fresh lump rose in my throat at the reminder of how very unwanted I was, and I swallowed it down painfully. There was no point getting upset about that—it wasn’t anything I hadn’t heard my entire life. It just felt a lot more frightening without Nana’s presence to soften the blow. I’d been a burden to her too, but at least we’d been in it together since Moriah and Giles had struggled to accommodate her needs too.

Still. The idea that my very existence would cause problems for my family never ceased to pain me. If only I could be who they wanted me to be. Who I wassupposedto be, if I’d been born with eyes that drained the way they were meant to.

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