Page 29 of Just Try, Again and Again

“Haruki, all the stories I’ve heard of Logan McKenna, the guy was kind of bland.” I think the term people used wasfade into the background. “But alright, I’ll keep my distance, okay? I barely see him as it is. He studies mass communication. We don’t have classes together.”

“But you hang out with Cameron a lot.”

I try to hide the fact that I’m starting to get pissed off. I know Cameron is not your cookie-cutter boy scout, but he has been my friend for a long time. There is no way in hell I’m dumping him. Over my dead fucking body.

“I don’t see him that often anymore, though. When I’m in Elsham Cove, I’m mostly on the phone with you or annoying Lily and her new boyfriend. Look, I have less than twenty-four hours left with you, can we please do something else instead of talking about my friends?”

Haruki doesn’t say anything after that. She seems to realize that, with our situation, time is precious. She silently walks over to me and places her head on my chest. My arms envelope her and one of my hands rubs her hair. My body is obeying what my mind has been commanding since three days ago.Hug her as tight as you can. The distance is about to start again

“I’m just worried about you, okay?” she says as she looks up at me with her glassy dark brown eyes. “You always look tired during our calls, sometimes you’re so out of it. I’m so far away and I don’t see you for months on end.”

“Haruki,” I say with a smile. I kiss the top of her nose before continuing. “The reason why I’m so tired, trust me, is not because I’m high on meth, alright? It’s because I have so many alarms turned on in the middle of the night so I can catch you after work or class. I wouldn’t keep things like that from you. You know everything about me. I do weed and coke here andthere, but never the skid row stuff.” She just smiles, but doesn’t seem to understand the reference.

“I always hate this part.”

“Which part?” Although I already know what she means.

“The leaving part.”

“It’s just not our time yet. Be patient, Haruki. One day, one of us, or both of us, will buy a one-way ticket and we’ll never have to say goodbye again.”

“And what do we do until then?” Her voice is cracking, and I already feel the back of my eyes burning from the tears that I’m trying hard to not let fall.

“Until then, we keep up with the phone sex.” She laughs. I laugh. She shakes her head. I kiss her forehead. She hits me in the chest. I let her.We’re going to be fine.

Haruki goes back to cleaning the mess that my friends had made and I help her. She’s wiping the sticky residue off the kitchen island with a wet rag when I grab her waist from behind and bury my face on her neck. “Are you going to be good when I’m gone?” she asks in a soft voice.

“The best.” The bossing me around regarding who I can and can’t hang out with, I don’t like, but I like her nurturing and slightly clingy side. She’s showing this part of her the more time goes by and I’ve been lapping it up with a spoon. “Are you going to be good?”

“I live with my dad and work for him, Bryce. I don’t have time to do anything else.”

I spin her around so that she’s facing me. “I hope—” A kiss breaks my sentence. A soft one that I plant on her lips. “I hope your dad won’t hate me once we break the news to him.”

“Oh, he will,” she says confidently as she turns toward me, cocking an eyebrow. “And he’ll hate me more.”

“Maybe we should just tell everyone now.”

Both of Haruki’s hands are on my chest. “Let’s wait, okay? He’s going to have lots of doubts.”

“Rightfully so,” I add.

“And he’ll have lots of questions about the future,” Haruki starts rambling. “And lots of questions about what the hell I was doing here during my summer of mental breakdown and running away. And I just don’t want him to see me as that girl anymore, Bryce. And I don’t want to lump you in the bad choices I made during that time.” She calms herself down and taps my chest with both her hands as she stares in my eyes with determination. “When we tell him the truth, I want him to know that I chose you because it was the right decision, and you are the best person for me. I want him to know that we can stand on our own two feet and that we have a plan for the future.”

“You think he won’t be swayed by my looks and irresistible persona?” I tease.

“He’s not an eighteen-year-old girl at a party looking to get laid, Bryce. He’s a middle-aged Asian man who’s currently repairing his relationship with his teenage daughter. You won’t get far just on your looks alone. I’m trying to set you up for success here.”

“Is his daughter charmed by my looks and irresistible persona?” I ask.

“Very.”

“That’s good enough for me,” I whisper in her ear before lightly biting it with my teeth. “Now, can we please have goodbye sex before you leave? Like I said, less than twenty-four hours left.”

Her lips meet mine, and I feel the curve of her smile as my tongue slides inside her mouth. I let out a groan, knowing I won’t touch them until my trip to Osaka during spring break. I take one last look at Haruki. She tilts her head in confusion when I start shaking my head and chuckling to myself.

The first girl I opened myself up to…The first girl with whom a commitment wasn't even a question…The first girl that makes me want to do stupid things like be in a long-distance relationship…The first girl that made me desperate enough to keep her in my life that I asked her to marry me after only knowing her for a few short months…

Haruki wasn’t my first, but she’s my everything.

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