Page 46 of Just Try, Again and Again

“The question is, Bryce, does she know you know?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Why aren’t you friends with Cameron anymore?” Nick asks the question with a knowing look.

“You know why.” I’m not sure he can hear my answer. My voice is so low, even I can’t hear myself clearly.

“What does that have to do with your weird-as-fuck marriage? Lily’s story might not have been yours to tell, but this one sure is. I’m all ears, man, so give me your best shot.”

The scotch is definitely helping, but mostly it’s the years of not giving anybody the full picture, only offering glimpses of what I think they deserve to hear. I’m so fucking tired of everything. Of keeping everything to myself. So, in the here and now, in my apartment, I start pouring my heart out to Nicholas Johnson, sharing with him my life story as if he’s about to write a goddamn biography about me. I start with the day Haruki and I met, all the way through the last night I ever set foot on US soil, not missing his jaw clenching when he realized how I brought Logan into our lives.

When I have nothing left to say and the alcohol courage is gone, I make my way to my kitchen island to pour another one, my eyes still on Nick, making sure he doesn’t die of a heart attack or sock me in the eye.I’d deserve it.

He opens my fridge and takes out a bottle of Coke. “Dude, stop guilt-tripping yourself for Lily and me. And what the hell, Bryce? I’m not sure which one runs deeper—your hero complex or woe-is-me attitude.” He chuckles as he shakes his head. “You got issues. Loads of them.”

“I’m not guilt-tripping myself, you asshole. I do feel bad for what happened to Lily. To you.”

“And you have more than made up for it, Bryce. You might not be a stepfather, but you became the father who stepped up for Birdie,” Nick says unironically. And when he says things like that, it makes my professional self petrified that this is the guy who’s representing our company as the team lead for our E-sports innovation department. But there is a reason that Nick works as a software developer and not in sales.

“You’re not angry with me?” I ask, swallowing down my fear for next month’s meeting when Nick will have to present our new product to the board.

Nick takes a sip of his Coke and sits on one of the stools circling the kitchen island. “Look, Lily and I were so shit at communicating back then—she knows this, I know this—we wouldn’t have made it past high school at the rate we were going. And Logan…” Nick’s expression changes once that name leaves his lips. If eyes are the windows to a person’s soul, I’d say he’s having a war inside himself. “Logan is just Logan, Bryce. The dude was an asshole. You introduced him to Cameron. You introduced me to Cameron. So what? If anyone was the bad apple, it would have been me and Logan, not you. No one forced us to do anything we didn’t want to,” he says with a shrug.

My body feels lighter hearing what Nick has to say.

He must realize that I am too stunned to even speak, so Nick slaps my shoulder before standing up. “I have to get back to Lily. I fucking miss her already.” His ridiculous comment causes us both to smirk with an additional head shake on my end. He opens the front door, but not before saying something that will, for sure, make me lose sleep tonight. “I’m saying this to you because I think of you as my brother. You can fucking deny it all you want, but I know you got me the job at XIORI, Bryce. The HR lady told me you told her to check me out. You’ve been spending all these years trying to make it up to me and Lily, but the only person you should be trying to make it up to is your goddamn wife. Get out of your own fucking head. Stop with theI’m not good for her so I’m going to let her go and keep my distancecrap. If you still want her, work for it.” Before he goes to the hallway, Nick turns to me one last time and cracks a smile. “Consider this talk my repayment. We’re even, Bryce. If it’s forgiveness you fucking need, water under the bridge and all that.”

40

Haruki - 31 years old

Kate is sending me memes. Lots of them. I guess being on maternity leave is boring her to the brink of death. Kate and I are used to the Japanese culture of working, so when it was time for her to pack her camera away and put her feet up on the sofa, I was not the least bit surprised that she would become restless. I swear, she has been asking me for updates on my situation with Bryce every hour since last night.

Kate

We have another booking for June. Engagement shoot with a lighthouse as a backdrop. You up for that?

Stop checking our emails, Kate. I’ll do them once I’m back -_-

Kate

Anything exciting going on with your trip?

As I am drafting a message to Kate to tell her that my coming here is a waste of time, an Instagram video call request pops up on my screen.Bryce Simmons. Answer? Reject?

“I don’t actually have your number,” he says with a smile. “Your new number. I didn’t want to email you.”

I muster up a smile, but I need a moment to collect myself. It has been years since I have seen Bryce’s face on my phone, video-calling me. My face is cool as a cucumber, but my stomach is bottoming out, memories from when we were younger playing in my head against my will.Bryce singing Happy Birthday to me. Bryce showing me his apartment in Berlin the first time he went there for his exchange program. Me showing Bryce my letter of acceptance to the bachelor’s course I took. Me taking Bryce on a virtual street food tour. Bryce telling me about Lily on that beach in Elsham Cove. Bam. Bam. Bam.All slaps in the face.

“Um, sorry about that. I’ll DM you the new one.” I’m sure he notices the shakiness of my voice.

“So how did you know I still lived here, anyway?” he asks casually. “That was the address I gave you ages ago. And we haven’t been in contact since.”

Trying to match his tone and pretending like this is just a phone call between two old friends, I answer the two big blue eyes staring at me from the other line. “I took a chance. It was either that or your office.”

He laughs, and again, something funny is going on inside my stomach.You’re not eighteen, Haruki. Get a grip. You came here to do one thing, and it’s not to fall for your ex. Husband. Estranged husband?“I would’ve paid all the money in the world to see you ask me for a divorce in the office.”

The ridiculousness and unexpected ease of this conversation are not doing much for the fuzzy feeling that’s starting to bubble, but they’re doing wonders for my nerves. A genuine smile breaks out on my face, and I lean back on the dining chair in my Airbnb. “It turns out I have more human decency than that. I didn’t want to out you, so I went for the more discrete route.”

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