Page 45 of Just Try, Again and Again

“I can’t believe you’re fucking married, man,” Nick says as he takes a bite from his falafel. “Congrats and sorry it didn’t work out, I guess.”

“There we go,” I say, before turning my head to my sister. “Lil, you got anything to add?”

Unlike Nick, who’s taking this conversation more light-heartedly, Lily just looks at me, observing me, trying to figure me out. Maybe she’s replaying old memories. Who the fuck knows. She finally breaks her silence. “Have you talked to her since last night?”

“Nope.”

“I didn’t know you were still married,” she says. “You told me it was over years ago. After your trip to Elsham Cove.”

Nick shifts so that he’s facing me. “When did you go to Elsham Cove?”

Before I can get a word in, Lily does it for me, and I don’t miss the way Nick’s body stiffens at her answer. “Five years ago. Bryce went back to visit Arthur in Elsham Cove. He left Berlin happy and came back all fucking broody. Then he told me that not only was he married, but it was all over already. He also told me he cut off contact with Cameron.” Instead of focusing on his girlfriend, now Nick is stealing glances at me. The gears in his brain must be turning. “Look, Bryce, I don’t know what happened during that trip exactly, but whatever it is, can you undo it? You’re clearly still hung up on her.”

“I’m not hung up on her, Lil.” I roll my eyes. “I was young, and we shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.”Lie. Lie.Lie. You wouldn’t have done what you did if you were really over her, Bryce.

Now it’s her who rolls her eyes. “Then why haven’t you been in a relationship worth mentioning since Haruki?”

“Not everyone has to end up with the one that got away, alright? Not everyone is like the both of you.” The words feelwrong leaving my mouth, like I’m betraying myself. But it’s the truth. Haruki and I…we can’t be salvaged.Maybe. I fucked up at every turn.Maybe not.

“Then riddle me this,” she says, not giving up. “If you’re not still hung up on her, why the hell are you guys still married?”

“I never signed the divorce papers.” It feels freeing to finally admit the truth about what a pathetic, psychotic idiot I am. “I told Arthur and he went batshit, telling his lawyer to put outrageous stipulations. Haruki’s dad retaliated and it went on for three years. After that…” I pause, taking inventory of the two of them with their mouths hanging open. “I don’t know. I never signed the papers.”

Nick

You still up?

Yeah.

Nick

Can I go to your place?

The guy was clearly textingme from the hallway, because not even five seconds after he sent the last text, he was already knocking on my door. I chuckle to myself before standing up, leaving my couch and walking over to let him in, bracing myself for whatever he’s about to say.He’s figured it out.

“Where is Lily?” I ask, staring into the hazel eyes that are filled with determination.

“Asleep.”

“Do you want one?” I lift the tumbler filled with scotch upward.

He shakes his head. “I, uh, I’m sober now, remember? But you go ahead.”

I tilt my head to the side. Now that I think about it, I really haven’t seen him drink anything since he moved here three months ago. I always chalked it up to him being respectful of Lily and not drinking in front of her since she’s a teetotaler now.

“For how long?”

“I overdid it when I came to Berlin last year for my interview.” His lips tug upward as he rests his hand on the nape of his neck. “That was a wild trip. I needed some liquid courage for a lot of the conversations that took place that week.”

“I remember.” I smile at him.

“But before that, I was actually kind of California sober.” Nick is drawing out his words, trying to gauge my reaction. I play dumb as I take a sip of my drink and look him straight in the eye. “When my mom got diagnosed with ALS, I didn’t take it too well. One thing led to another and before I knew what to make of it, I woke up in a hospital room one day.”

“I see,” I say, still acting like I’m clueless about all of this. “Does Lily know about this?”

“Yep. I told her the second I landed back in Radinger after my trip the first time around. I wanted to tell her on the last night, but Birdie ran away. I didn’t want to restart me and her with a secret that fucking big looming over us.”

I give him a nod, unsure of what I’m supposed to say next.

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