Page 44 of Just Try, Again and Again

“He’ll come around,” Lorenzo finally says. “It’s just a big shock, you know? I still can’t believe it myself.”

Bryce

Haruki, please pick up. I’m really sorry. I’m in room 65 if you want to talk.

“I’m going to go talk to Bryce, Zo.”

His eyebrows scrunch together, questioning my sanity, but he doesn’t challenge me. “Do you want me to come with you?”

I give him a tight smile while tapping my phone with my fingers. “I’ll be fine.”

The whole ride down in the elevator, I shed the remainder of my tears. Beautiful memories that I have of Bryce are now tainted by four awful ones:he chose to believe Logan over me, Logan raped Lily, he beat my cousin up, and my father hates me. But I know better, once the anger dissipates, my guilt will bubble up. Because just like I told my father, Bryce Simmonswas eager and willing to tell him everything. It was me. I stopped him. Every time.

A little part inside of me questions whether everything would have been different if I had just let Bryce tell my father that day that we were married. Would he have given his blessing if Bryce had explained everything like he wanted to? It’s too late to be asking these questions now, I guess.It’s your fault, Haruki. Bryce is a victim of his circumstances. You’re just a victim of your stupidity.

A desperate-looking Bryce opens the door at my second knock. My eyes go directly to his right hand. As much as Bryce is a party boy, he’s not a fighter. I wonder whether his reddened knuckles are hurting right now. My heart is telling me to ask him about it, to trace the cracked skin with my fingers, but I stop myself.

“What you did was out of line, Bryce,” I say as I walk into his room. “What were you even thinking?”

“I don’t know, Haruki. I wasn’t thinking.” His voice breaks. “I’m sorry.”

“Lorenzo is my cousin from Oxnard! The one that got married!” I put both hands on my hips and look him in the eye. “I am allowed to date other people, Bryce. We have been doing just that for a really long time now.”

“I know.” When silence is my only response, Bryce continues speaking in a softer tone. “What did your dad say?”

“What do you think? Asian parents don’t react well to shit like this. I’m his only daughter and I just broke his heart.”

My heart aches knowing that from this point on, my relationship with my dad will change. All of the hard work that we’ve both put into these past few years will be for nothing. In his eyes, I’m someone else entirely now.

“I think it’s best if we take time away from each other.” And I mean it.We’re past our shelf life.

Bryce doesn’t argue with me. He sits on the bed and rests his elbows on his thighs. “I know.”

“You need to handle whatever issues you’re dealing with. Otherwise, it will eat you alive.”

“I know.”

“I can’t do this anymore, Bryce.”

“I know,” he says, his eyes finally looking up to meet mine.

I fight the urge to sit next to him. I fight the urge to hug him. I fight the urge to run my hair through his blond hair that’s now shorter than I remember it to be. I fight the urge to touch his tattoo. I fight the urge to tell him that he should find me once he gets his shit together, and I leave him alone in his hotel room. When I close the door, I hear the sound of glass shattering as it hits a hard surface.

I’ll love you forever, Haruki. It’s just not our time yet,Bryce once said to me.

I’ll love you forever too, Bryce. It’s just not our time yet. Maybe in another life.

39

Bryce - 32 years old

Iusually enjoy nights like these. Birdie is starting to have sleepovers at her best friend Jacinta’s place. Ever since Nick waltzed back into our lives, every time she’s away, the three of us are able to have nights where we can enjoy ourselves as adults. Tonight, however…I’m not looking forward to anything. Not a single fucking thing. My mind is elsewhere. On a certain woman with a sleek bob haircut. By the way Lily and Nick are glancing at each other like they have a secret up their sleeve, my intuition is telling me I’m about to be served an intervention on a platter.

“Spit it out,” I say to them, unable to sit in awkward silence and engage in weird small talk any longer.

“What do you mean?” Lily asks, as if she’s not trying to fish more information out of me. I would buy it, but her eyes give her away.

“Whatever it is the two of you want to say to me about Haruki popping by last night, say it. Stop staring at each other and waiting for the other one to start.”

---