Page 38 of Just Try, Again and Again

Dear Ms. Haruki Sano,

I apologize in advance for sending this email to you during the holiday period. I have been out of office due to a death in my family.

The Graduate School of Media Studies has received your application for the master’s program in Photography and New Media, as well as your inquiry about the scholarship.

We are pleased to inform you that you have been invited to the first round of the selection process for prospective students wishing to receive the scholarship awarded by our department.

For the second time,I chuck my phone inside my bag. But this time, it’s not because of bone-deep sadness, it’s because if I continue reading the email, I will not be able to stop squealing and people are already starting to give me funny looks.

Maybe,just maybe, I’ll get in. And then I’ll move to Tokyo. And after I’m done, it’s finally going to be me and Bryce forever. Maybe then it will finally be our time.

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Bryce - 25 years old

Although Berlin in November is all gloom and doom, Berlin in general is amazing. It’s not pretentious. The city and its inhabitants don’t try to pretend that they’re something they’re not; what you see is what you get. People are more dressed down. The rich also take public transportation and complain about the trains being perpetually late despite Germany being known for its punctuality. I love it here.Haruki would have loved it here.

Trying to brush the thought of her away, I look at Jakob, who is sitting next to me on a bar stool and accept the beer that he’s holding out in front of me. “Thanks, man.” I hold up the Weizen glass and clink it with his. “Prost.”

“Happy birthday, Bryce.Prost,” he says, before taking a gulp. “I can’t believe it’s happening. XIORI finally has enough funding to hire employees.”

“I’m grateful that you picked me to be one of the first,” I say with a proud grin. “A nice birthday present.”Master’s degree, check. Job contract, check.

I can’t say that I’m completely happy with the sales position, but living here is not as cheap as it was when we arrived, and the three of us need a bigger apartment. Birdie needs her own room. Believe it or not, German pay slips are needed to convince potential landlords to consider us. The name Arthur Simmons holds little weight in this part of the world, not that we use it to get by. Besides, it’s a startup, and I’ve known Jakob since forever.It’s going to be fun, I try to convince myself.

“And now, we’re going to celebrate!” he roars before calling his eight other newly-minted team members one by one to join us at the bar.

While Jakob is busy on his phone, I scroll through social media. A picture of Haruki with four other girls eating at a restaurant fills up my screen.I’m happy for her. This is what I want for her.As if the universe is fucking with me, a notification pops up.

Haruki

Happy birthday :)

Thanks! Btw, I just graduated last month + I just got a job.

Haruki

Congratulations, Bryce! I am so proud of you. When did you graduate? How come I didn’t see any pictures?

The Germans don’t really do graduation ceremonies. How are you?

Haruki

I just got accepted into a nature photography workshop for next summer. It’s going to be on an island here in Japan :)

And that’s enough of a Haruki fix as I’m willing to give myself today. It should last me a few more months until I cave in and text her.

I thought Haruki and I would find our way back to each other at some point.You still think that, Bryce.But with each passing day, our lives are diverging more and more. Based on what she tells me and from what I see online, Haruki is branching out. She’s blooming. She’s meeting new friends and goddamn killing it in Tokyo. Meanwhile, I’m here setting down roots in the city that took me and Lily in when she needed someplace new to start. They’re my family, but fuck do I sometimes wish I could just hop on a plane and go to wherever Haruki is. With Birdie still so little and Lily still struggling with what happened to her while juggling motherhood and school, I always manage to talk myself out of leaving them. And with that, I also always convince myself that it’s better this way for me and Haruki. It’s just not our time yet. We’re on an indefinite pause until things get better.Or until she finds someone new.

I put my phone back in my pocket the moment Jakob points at two girls sitting on the other end of the bar. “Look, that red-haired one has been looking at you the whole time.” Before I can say anything, Jakob is making his way to them and introduces himself. The three of them mumble and giggle while I nurse my drink, shaking my head. “Bryce, come here!”

“Ladies, this is my friend, Bryce.” He turns his head from me to the two women sitting in the booth. “Bryce, this is Heather,” he says as he gestures to the red-haired one. “And this is Jemma. They’re visiting from the UK.”

I shake hands with both of them, and I don’t miss the glances Heather keeps on stealing to check me out. Her eyes widen as Jakob fills her in on my situation. “Bryce, here, is in an open marriage.”

My eyes roll at the termopen marriage. I hate the fact that Jakob is technically correct, but it still leaves a sour fucking taste in my mouth. He found out I was still legally married when I filed my employee information and has been joking about it ever since. To his credit, he promised to keep his mouth shut at work. Something about not wanting to create a hostile work environment and EU data privacy laws.

If Heather is disappointed at Jakob’s revelation, she’s doing a good job of hiding her feelings. Because it’s been three hours, and she’s still here, sitting next to me and lapping up all the funny jokes I have inside of me.

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