Page 39 of Just Try, Again and Again

“So, what do you want to do after this?” Heather asks, her blue eyes hopeful. “I’d invite you to come back with us, but we’re staying at a hostel.”

“Should we get a room?” I whisper in her ear. Although Lily did insist I should have fun tonight, I’m going to guess her idea of fun would not be having a one-night stand in the room next to hers.

When she nods, I pay for the drinks and grab her hand before leaving the bar. My heart is telling me I shouldn’t, but what else can I do? What else can I do when, as of two weeks ago, Haruki has been tagged in pictures with the same guy over and over again? I can only do the same thing she’s doing—give general life updates, stop before things get too deep, and skirt around the topic of our dating life.And hope and pray that she doesn’t give up and throw in the towel before my life gets back on track…

34

Haruki - 24 years old

Instead of focusing on the person in front of me, I choose to concentrate on the ramen noodles instead, stirring the broth with my spoon and watching the thick liquid sway with each movement.

Thomas is saying something, but I don’t register it. My mind is elsewhere. Not in Tokyo. A thousand miles from here. In Europe.In Berlin.

“Sorry, what?” I ask, finally lifting my chin up to face the handsome man with dark hair and dark eyes in front of me. I can’t help but notice the stark contrast between him and Bryce. Their features, their sense of humor, the way they laugh…Stop it, Haruki.

“Your food,” Thomas says in an irritated tone. “Your food is going to get cold.”

“Ah, yeah, um, it’s fine,” I mumble. “I’m not that hungry, anyway.”

His eyebrows scrunch up as he shoots me an uncertain look. “Are you sick or something?”

I let out a sigh and push my bowl to the side. “I’m sorry. I should have canceled. I think I got a stomach bug.”

Giving me a sigh of his own, his irritated expression turns into a worried one. “It’s okay,” he says as his mouth forms a small smile. “Let me use the bathroom real quick and pay. After that, I’ll walk you home.”

If he’s not buying my sick excuse, Thomas Nakamura must be feeling some type of whiplash right now. When his sister introduced me to him a few weeks ago, I was the fellow half-American-half-Japanese bubbly girl who was in her master’s course. Her “newly-minted bestie,” as Kate called me.

Although she has lived in Tokyo most of her life and knows more mixed-race people our age, Kate and I instantly bonded over our similar upbringing, teenage identity crisis, people, and love for photography. Not long after that, she was dead set on setting me up with her brother, and I was warming up to the idea.Until now.I really did give this a solid chance, but I knew when he picked me up tonight that the butterflies in my stomach weren’t going to flutter around. Nothing feels like meeting Bryce for the first time on that beach.

When I woke up in the morning, out of habit, my brain wanted me to FaceTime him and wish him a happy birthday. It took me realizing how old he was to stop myself from hitting the green button.Bryce is twenty-five now. He has been spending the last two and a half years in Germany instead of being with you. You guys are in relationship limbo at the moment. Bryce’s life is a mess and he needs to sort it out. Not with you, but with his sister. You need to give him space, Haruki. You need to be a friend.And after that, I sent him a short text instead. Just like a friend would.

The urge to ask Bryce where we go from here, and when he would be ready to broach the topic of us is like an itch that needs to be scratched so badly my skin is starting to hurt. I don’t evenknow if there is still anus. Bryce and I agreed after the night he told me about Lily that we don’t want the other person to wait up and watch life go by. We both said that we didn’t want our connection and love to turn into resentment. Now that I think about it, what vague fucking words were those?

It’s too late to ask now, though. Now, I’ve gone along with it for two and a half years. Now we actually have a friendship that somewhat works.The next time I talk to him, really talk to him, I’ll ask him about us.Right there and then, I make a promise to myself,the next time I see him.When all of the mess has blown over.

Once we reach the entrance of the house I rent with four other students, Thomas grabs my wrist, stopping me from putting my keys in the lock. He scratches the nape of his neck as he watches me with intense eyes. “Haruki, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” I answer. “What is it?”

“Are you not interested?” I feel a lump forming in my throat. I don’t know him that much, but Thomas is a great guy. He doesn’t deserve to be strung along.

“I’m kind of still hung up on my ex,” I blurt out, deciding on the spot that I should just say the truth.

To my surprise, he gives me a lazy smile. “I figured. It shows.”

I don’t know what possesses me to be so honest with my best friend’s brother, but I start telling him the story, or at least the shortened version of it—how Bryce and I met, how we got married, how our year of freedom turned into a mess because of one unfortunate tragedy. I commend the guy, he’s trying his best to keep a straight face.

Just when I think he’s about to call me crazy, leave, and tell his sister not to go near me again, Thomas looks me straight in the eye, taking one of my hands in his. “If you’re up for it…I’mkind of working through some things on my own as well. How about we work through them together as friends?” He flashes me the biggest grin. “With benefits?”

I let go of his hand and open the door to the house, only to lace my fingers with his and invite Thomas inside.

The next time I see him.When all of the mess has blown over, Bryce and I are going to have a long-overdue talk about us. But now, I just want to forget the heartache.

35

Haruki - 31 years old

“So who’s the lucky guy?” Bryce asks me again.

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