Page 9 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Lord, have mercy,” Gram said, smacking Candy in the back of the head. Her hand went right through, but the intent was clear. Candy blanched. Yes, Gram was dead, but she still ruled the roost and definitely ruled Candy Vargo. Love did things like that, and Gram loved Candy. “I know what you said. I ain’t gonna repeat it. I want you to try again and not call your friends nasty names.”

Candy Vargo was wildly confused. She used the F-bomb as a verb, noun, adverb, adjective, preposition, conjunction and interjection. In the midst of the chaos we were living, I almost laughed.

“Assholes?” Candy tried.

“Heck to the no,” Gram snapped.

“Dicks?” Candy asked, clearly thinking that dicks would pass muster.

Gram just gave her the evil eye.

The Keeper of Fate ran her hand over her face as she tried to come up with an endearment that wasn’t disgusting. She was having a tremendously difficult time. The ghosts were loving the Candy show almost as much asThe Price is Right.

“Wankers?” Candy suggested.

Gram shook her head as the deceased audience laughed uproariously. When the dead laughed, to say it was alarming was an understatement. The sound reminded me of a prolonged and booming death rattle. It had taken some getting used to. Now, the off-putting sound made me smile. Happy came in many sizes and sounds in my life.

Candy Vargo glanced around. “Can one of you shitbags help a girl out?” she demanded.

I blew out a long breath and shook my head. She was never gonna get it. “Use names. It’s your safest bet.”

She flipped me the bird which doubled as a thumbs up in Candy’s world. “Got it. Alright, June, Jennifer and Missy. Each of you are gonna pick a stick.”

“Wait,” I said. “Is this random or do you know what you’re doing?”

Candy Vargo rolled her eyes so hard I could only see the whites of her eyes. “Do I look fuckin’ random to you, jackass?”

There were so many ways to answer. I decided to play it safe. Getting my house blown up was something I wasn’t up for. “No.”

“That’s right,” she grunted. “Everybody—meaning Daisy—needs to keep their cake holes shut or I’m gonna shut it for you.”

I nodded and flipped her off. She seemed satisfied.

“At the risk of having my cake hole removed, I have a question,” Jennifer said.

Again, with the eye roll from Candy. “What?”

“When do we pick the stick?”

“Good question,” Candy Vargo said as Jennifer blew out a loud and relieved sigh. It was clear that she was pleased she was going to keep her cake hole. “The answer is after I do a little thingie.”

Pressing my lips together so hard it hurt, I stopped myself from asking her to define ‘thingie.’ None of this sounded good to me.

The Keeper of Fate began to glow bright orange as she waved her hands over the toothpicks. She chanted in a language that I didn’t understand. It was melodic and guttural at the same time. A shimmering lime-green mist formed a small funnel over the table and hovered over the toothpicks. When Candy clapped her hands, the mist dissolved into crystals of the same lime green and covered the table. The toothpicks were now glowing brighter than Candy Vargo. “Now you pick a pick,” she announced.

One by one, Jennifer, Missy and June chose a toothpick and held it up. Candy swiped her hand over the table and scattered the rest of the toothpicks. The minute she did it, they lost their glow. The ones held by my friends still shone brightly.

The Keeper of Fate examined Missy’s toothpick first. She stared at it for several minutes. “Missy, you and Heather will go to Heather’s place. Stay by your fuckin’ cell phones and be ready to transport if I call. Missy, you’re gonna need to be prepared to take souls into your body.”

Missy paled a bit, then nodded. My best friend since I was a child was a Soul Keeper. Unknowingly, Missy had kept my mother and Birdie safe for decades. Her gift was rare and powerful. I’d be grateful until the end of time that she’d protected my mother.

“How many?” Missy asked.

Candy shrugged. “Don’t know. How many you got room for?”

It was Missy’s turn to shrug. “Not a clue.”

Candy Vargo picked up a few toothpicks off the floor and put them into her mouth. “Welp, hopefully, we’re not gonna have tofind that out. Heather, drop a ward around your house. Don’t let nobody in there.”

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