Page 43 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“Well, you are,” she huffed. “Get into places and be prepared to look like shit on TV.”

She stomped away and hissed at the skunks. They immediately picked up their weapons hissed back.

“You think Pat Sajak and Vanna White are here?” Gram asked, trying to sound casual, but not quite making it.

“Doubtful,” I said just as the people in question walked out onto the stage and made me a liar.

“Holy heck!” Gram squealed. “I think I’ve died and gone to Heaven!”

“One, Heaven is more of a concept than a place,” I told her. “Two, let’s not talk about dying. You saw what happened after I mentioned skunks.”

“True that, Daisy girl,” Gram said, looking sheepish. “Just got excited that Pat and Vanna are here.”

“Not sure that’s actually Pat and Vanna,” Alana Catherine said quietly.

My girl was spot on. The real Pat and Vanna were classy and dignified. The fake Pat and Vanna were not. My mouth hung open in a perfect O as the duo twerked like they were on fire then slapped each other’s rear ends like they were putting out a fire. The sound echoed through the cavernous room and was embarrassing to watch. Even the skunks had covered their eyes with their grenades. I sent a quick wish out into the Universe that none of the little stinkers blew themselves up by accident.

“Are we ready to play…Wheel. Of. Fortune?” Fake Pat Sajak demanded, leering at Fake Vanna White.

“You bet your blue balls we are,” Vanna squealed, disrobing down to her bra and spanks. She marched over to the big letterboard and flipped off the audience. Pat laughed like a loon.

“Oh, my heck,” Gram said, fanning herself. “I’m shocked Vanna wears spanks. Thought she was all natural.”

“It might look like her, but that’s not Vanna,” I ground out under my breath. “And that’s definitely not Pat.”

Pat brought my theory home by humping the edge of the wheel and faking a massive orgasm. At least, I hoped he was faking it.

What came next was awful. It would take a lot to top a twerking Pat and Vanna in the awful department, but someone was clearly trying to break me.

Black-robed and hooded beings who appeared to have no feet floated into the room from behind the letterboard. There were three of them, and they each dragged a ghost on a glowing golden chain. I recognized the dead immediately and almost threw up in my mouth. It was Sam, John and Birdie. Their hollowed-out eyes were unfocused, and they seemed oblivious to the surroundings. It took everything I had and the help of my daughter and grandmother to keep me from charging the hooded bastards and destroying them.

“Not yet,” Alana Catherine instructed. “This is a game. I have a feeling we can win them back.”

I wasn’t as sure. Normally, I looked before I leapt. Today I was running on raw emotion—that emotion being rage at the moment. However, my daughter was correct. I didn’t know how someone who had little over a month of existence could be so wise, but she was a gift. My gift. Alone, this would have been a disaster. I wasn’t alone. I was the present. Gram was the past and my child was the future. We were strongest together.

Nodding curtly, I took my place at the wheel. Sam, John and Birdie were led to a platform next to the letter board. Keeping my eye on them would be very easy.

“And the Angel of Mercy will spin first,” Pat screamed, pointing at me.

“Rules?” I asked coldly. “Tell me the rules.”

Vanna rolled her eyes and flipped me off. She was a nasty piece of work. “Spin the wheel and guess a damn letter. If you want to, you can try to solve the puzzle.”

“Repercussions if I’m wrong?” I questioned in an even but steely tone.

“That one is a smart cookie!” Pat screeched as Vanna sneered at me. “If you guess wrong one of those deplorables turns to dust.

Again, Gram and Alana Catherine had to hold me back. It might not be the best move to fight physically, but no one said a war of the words was off the table.

“Interesting,” I said. “I only see two deplorables in here.”

Pat’s eyes glazed over and Vanna yawned with boredom. Either they didn’t realize I was referring to them or they didn’t care. Didn’t matter. It felt good to say it. Not as good and electrocuting the daylights out of them would have felt, but it would have to suffice.

“First word, three letters,” Gram said, pointing to the board. “Second, three letters. Third, nine letters which is divisible by three. Last word, three letters. Three is our number, gals.”

“No one guess the answer unless you’re sure you know it,” I instructed in a voice low enough Pat and Vanna couldn’t hear me.

“What happens when we land on a name?” Alana Catherine questioned. “And what happens to the dead at the end of the game?”

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