Page 44 of Having the Time of My Midlife

They were excellent questions. “Pat Sajak,” I called out as he and Vanna whisper-hissed viciously at each other. Maybe they weren’t as tight as they appeared to be… “What happens to the dead at the end of the game?”

“If you solve the puzzle, and good luck with that, you get to keep them. If youlose… we get to keep them.”

He was going to be lucky if he didn’tlosehis head in the very near future.

I needed to know one more detail. “And what happens when we land on an individual name?”

His expression turned sour. He was a colossal asshole.

“If you land on a name and the letter you pick is on the board, the owner of the name earns a point.”

“And if the letter is not on the board?” I pressed.

He smiled. It was creepy. “They get a lash.”

This was bullshit, but it didn’t seem that there was a choice. Although…

“I’d like to take the lash in place of the dead,” I stated flatly.

Vanna squealed with rabid delight. Pat trembled with excitement.

“YES!” he shouted.

Hustling over, he pulled me away from the wheel and over to the hooded bastards. They laughed as I was thrown to the ground at their feet. It was a slimy sound. This place was fucked.

Glancing over at Alana Catherine and Gram, I saw the fear on their faces. Unsure if I’d just given myself a death sentence, I reminded myself that if I died, I would come back. I gave them a thumbs-up and a forced smile.

“Let the games begin,” Fake Pat Sajak bellowed.

My grandmother and daughter exchanged a few quiet words. When they parted, Gram was smiling like the cat who ate the canary. Alana Catherine gave me a covert thumbs up back, and I got a little worried. I didn’t want either of them trading places with me. If that was their plan, I was going to kick their asses.

It wasn’t their plan.

In a matter of five freaking minutes, I watched in delighted shock as every single time they guessed a letter it was correct. Every. Single. Time. All points, no lashes. It was uncanny luck or they were cheating. Pat and Vanna grew more perturbed with each correct guess and by the time there was only one letter left on the board, Pat was punching himself in the head, literally, and Vanna had clawed her arms until they bled.

It was every kind of awesome.

“I’d like to solve the fuckin’ puzzle, Pat,” Gram said, flipping the bruised and beaten man her middle finger.

Gram didn’t flip birds. Gram did not use the F-bomb. That was then. This was now. She was badass.

“Go ahead, bitch,” he shouted.

Gram smiled and waved at the skunks who were with her all the way. “May the strongest win.”

“DAMNIT,” Vanna shrieked. “Fine. They’re yours, good fucking luck with the next round.”

In a fit of fury, Fake Vanna White pulled a machine gun out from under one of the robes of the hooded freaks and opened fire on the skunks. They didn’t stand a chance. I grabbed the ghosts and dove for Gram and Alana Catherine, tackling them to the ground and covering them with my body. The sounds ofthe skunks screaming in agony as Fake Pat, Fake Vanna and the woman with the headset made a run for it, make my stomach churn. They only solace I had was that the skunks would come back.

Slowly, I got off of Gram and Alana Catherine. The three of us along with Sam, Birdie and John stared at the remains of the massacre that had just taken place. It was so senseless and vile.

Alana Catherine shook like a leaf. The more my child trembled the more she began to glow. I’d expected her to glow either gold or red considering her parentage. That was not the case. The colors around my daughter were blinding and mix of every single color imaginable. Pandora had said she was much more than anyone knew. I was getting a preview to that right now.

I tried to reach out to comfort her, but the force of her power threw me back.

“This is wrong,” she cried out. “So wrong. Come to me. I will care for you now.”

“Oh shit,” Gram muttered as the floor beneath us began to rock and buckle.

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