Page 54 of Having the Time of My Midlife

“This one right here is called the Big Wheel Game,” she said, pointing at it. “On the show you spin that wheel and try to get as close to one dollar as you can without goin’ over. You get two spins.”

“Problem,” Alana Catherine said, pointing at the wheel. “All of the amounts are already over a dollar.”

Gram lost it. Candy Vargo would have been left speechless by the profane tirade the old woman went on. I was left with my mouth hanging open. Alana Catherine was stunned to shocked silence. It lasted well over a minute, and I heard some combinations of words I wasn’t aware could exist together. Actually, they should never exist together, but it was quite the crude and filthy education.

When Gram was finished, she grinned like she’d won first prize. “Welp, sorry about that, but I now get why my Candy Vargo likes to express herself with poop words. Sometimes them are the only words that accurately depict real feelings. You know what I mean?”

“Umm… yes. That was very colorful, Gram,” I said.

“Sure was,” she said, blowing out a long breath. “Took a few years off my life, but since I’m already dead, I figure that don’t matter.”

“Right,” I said, letting her tirade sink in and trying not to burst into laughter.

“But,” she said, getting serious. “I think this is a setup. Ain’t no way we can win Steve back with those rigged games.”

Alana Catherine stepped into the conversation. “I think that’s part of the master plan. The Higher Power wants something else.”

“Like what?” I asked, agreeing with her and hoping against hope she knew what the gaping ass wanted.

“That’s the game,” she said with a frustrated sigh. “At least, I think it is. Maybe It wants you, Mom.”

That was an alarming thought. Was the problem that I held more than on job? I was both the Angel of Mercy and the Death Counselor. Was my power a threat? Was It that insane? Originally, I didn’t want any of the jobs that had been forced on me. Now? Now was a different story. I was honored to have both of them. If It had a problem with that, It could shove it up Its ass… if it had an ass. Cecily had seen the Higher Power as a person named Phyllis. I’d seen nothing here that even remotely resembled Phyllis. But that was expected. Everyone saw their own version of the Higher Power… except me. It might not be a person at all.

Gram paced the stage and let a few extra profanities drop here and there. When we got home, everyone was in for a foul surprise.

“All this has got me to thinkin’,” Gram said. She stopped her pacing and faced us. “I don’t think there’s no hole in the Light.”

I felt a little dizzy with relief. She’d just verbalized what had been running through my mind. “Why?” I asked. “Tell me why you think that.”

She walked over and pulled the three of us into a huddle. “Any of y’all find it weird that only six ghosts have come back if there’s a rip in the Light?”

“I did think that was odd,” Alana Catherine admitted.

“So did I,” I said. “So, if there’s no tear in the Light, that would mean the Higher Power stole innocent souls from the Light. I don’t understand the endgame.”

“Unless my guess was right,” Alana Catherine said. “Maybe getting you to come here to Its plane was the game all along.”

“Why?” I pressed. “Why would having me here be the endgame?’

No one knew the answer.

“Five minutes until the show starts,” the harried stage manager yelled, startling all three of us. “Get ready to lose, losers.”

She grinned and walked back into the wings.

“Southern ladies don’t lose,” Gram ground out. “We get even. You hear me, girls?”

“Loud and clear,” I said.

Alana Catherine took the lead. “If they cheat, we cheat. If they go low, we go lower. Goal is Steve’s soul. If we have to play dirty, we’ll play dirty. If the Higher Power wants to spar, we leave the bastard headless. We’re not messing around, and nothing dies here permanently.”

I jumped on the bandwagon. “Gram, if the going gets tuff, I want you to let loose with some of those cuss words. That was the most disgusting crap I’ve ever heard, and it would make a brilliant distraction.”

My daughter nodded. “Also, just a heads up, the skunks are getting restless. In exchange for me giving them safe harbor, they’re willing to asphyxiate the Higher Power if we need to make a quick getaway.”

I was thrown a little sideways by the violence of my daughter’s plan. It was the weirdest battle plan I’d heard to date, but to be fair, this was the weirdest situation I’d ever been in. There was a reason all three of us were here. Maybe this was it.

“We’re in this together.” I took Gram and Alana Catherine’s hands and gave them a squeeze. “You with me?

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