Page 92 of Go Cook Yourself

“And as Ruby cuts, it’s tradition time.” Liz looks at Flora and then at me. “We must say something we’re looking forward to next year. I start, and carver finishes. Are we ready?”

I grind my teeth.

“I’m looking forward to the surprise we have for all of you at the end of this meal,” Liz says. “And before any of you argue that it’s not next year, it has next year repercussions.”

“You stole mine,” Iain moans.

“Suck it, bitch,” Liz replies.

“Mum!”

“Sorry, I may have drank too much mulled wine. Anyway, it’s your turn, Flora. What are you looking forward to?”

“Finding out what I’m good at and then doing it as a career,” Flora says. Her head dips, and she’s vulnerable in a way that makes my heart stutter. She looks directly at me. “And don’t say I’m good at everything, big bro. I want to know my thing, like cooking is yours.”

She’s got me there. “I look forward to seeing you do that, too.”

She gives a tentative smile. A crack in my heart widens. I won’t be here for that.

In turn, each person says the thing they’re looking forward to. Jem talks about returning to university even though most of us know he’s dropped out. Iain wants to try something new, at which point he winks at Liz, and everyone makes vomit noises.

“Grow up, all of you. It’s not what you think,” Liz snaps. “Besides, we’ve tried everything sex-based.” She pretends to do a mic drop, but everyone misses it while fake vomiting.

Then Wicksy mentions getting his head shaved, which makes everyone gasp. Kath says she has two things left on her bucket list, so it will probably be skydiving, as she’s not ready to fly to America yet. Amber responds loudly that she’s most looking forward to eating soft cheese and drinking alcohol, which makes everyone laugh. Kalen blushes as he says he’s looking forward to being a dad.

And then it’s my turn. I swallow loudly and stare at everyone but Ruby. Cookie shifts in his sleep by my feet. “I’m looking forward to having Cookie live with me.” I don’t add that it won’t be here.

Ruby’s finished proving she isn’t a turkey carver based on the pieces she’s hacked up, and the family tease her for her efforts.

“Oi, it’s my turn, so shut up so we can eat because I’m famished and I haven’t eaten much yet today,” she shouts. Kalen elbows me, but I ignore his comment about how he'd bet she’s more hungry for a particular chef’s meat.

“The thing I’m most looking forward to is, hopefully—” Ruby pauses so long that I’m a mixture of terrified and hopeful that it relates to me. Instead, she says, “Working in Clive Macdonald’s restaurant after I win his Christmas Eve competition.”

“What?” Liz snaps.

“You’re not working for that man after what he did,” Iain hollers a lot louder than necessary, considering we’re all at the same table.

Ruby drops the carving tools and shoves her hands on her hips. “What do you mean?”

“Mum, she doesn’t know,” Amber says.

But Liz pushes her chair back. “You can’t work for that piece of—sorry, Flora—you can’t work for that man after what he did to Garett, not to mention what he did to Cookie.”

I should stop this, but it’s like I’m watching it on double time and holding on for dear life.

“What do you mean?” Ruby stares at me. Her eyes are wider than the silver baubles on the tree behind her.

“Mum, stop,” Amber says, but she’s struggling to get to her feet. Cookie is restless beneath the table, and I try to settle him. “Garett didn’t want her to know.”

“You didn’t want me to know what?” she snaps, baring her teeth. Flora shakes on the other side of the table, and I’m torn between protecting her and fighting a battle I shouldn’t have hidden from.

I fumble for words, but it’s too late. I’m no match for Cloud women.

“Clive Macdonald won the Best Cotswold Restaurant competition with Garett’s dish, but he double-crossed Garett and took his restaurant from him. He told every restaurant, eatery, and cooking school in the area not to employ him and that if they did, he’d ruin them.”

Flora pushes her chair away now, and it’s all I can do not to run to her. She clears her throat and says, “Clive kept Cookie and wouldn’t let Garett have him or visit him. And Clive wasn’t nice to Cookie and tortured Garett with photos and videos of him.” She takes a deep breath. “He is a piece of shit, Liz. I’m so ashamed of him. Garett is my big brother as far as I’m concerned.”

Ruby walks up and jabs me in the chest with her finger. “You knew all of this and didn’t tell me? I thought there wassomething about him, but I trusted you. I didn’t believe you’d lie about something so important. How many other lies have you told me?”

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