Page 17 of Flawless

“Danica...please,” she repeats softer this time.

I think about my brother, Onyx, who has stood up for me so many times that I can’t count. Onyx finally got tired of my shenanigans, and though he showed up at the hospital for me, he didn’t return to visit. For him, I have become a weary and burdensome job. He has a family now. He has a wife and two kids, and he cannot waste energy on me.

I think about my parents who have aged greatly, and my beautiful mother who carries the stress of worrying about me in the lines on her face and her slumped shoulders that once bore a graceful, regal bearing. My father, who no longer speaks to me, came to the hospital after I passed out on TV, and once he saw that I was alive and well, he walked right back out without a word of greeting to me.

I think about my cousins’ wives, Mak, Yaya, and Morgan, and my cousin, Poppy. At some stage, each of them has reached out to me, embraced and loved on me, begging me to get help, but I shut them out.

Then, I think about the man that I have loved for almost a lifetime. A man who was beautiful, loving, and kind, and who I hurt deeply with my selfish actions. I thank God that he has never seen me in this state. Then, I think of how ashamed I would be if he were to see me this way.

“Please,” Jade says once more, hiccupping a sob.

I turn around and see my friend the way that I saw her when we first met in high school before she left to go off to college; young, fresh-faced, hopeful, full of promise, excitedabout tackling the world, and wanting to be an instrumental part of boosting my career.

I think about how she went off to college while I was away traveling the world and trying to launch my modeling career, and how she would send me leads, suggestions, and names. I think about how she came to New York when I was in the studio apartment I shared with a girl named Leah., and how Jade begged me to allow her to be my agent and told me that I would never regret that decision.

I have not until now.

I regret that I have pulled her into my mess.

I regret that I have hurt my best and only friend so deeply.

Slowly, I nod and walk to her. Jade’s hand is still extended. When I take it, she pulls me to her in a hug, and she holds on so tight that I can barely breathe.

But I find it deep in my soul to thank God that she hasn’t let go, that she won’t let go. She’s the only lifeline that I have.

“Yes, Jade. Yes, I’ll go,” I cry.

***

“This road won’t be easy. You will have to put in the hard work individually and as a group. You have a strong support system here, and each of you has one outside of these walls. If that weren’t so, you wouldn’t be here. The only way that you can make it is with that support system and with faith in yourself,” Tia, the center director, says.

“We are here to kick your ass. We will be rough on you and hard on you. We’re not here to baby you because you’re all adults, and we’re not your mamas or daddies. We don’t accept any excuses, and neither should you. As Tia said, it will be hard, but you can do it. The hardest part was walking through those doors and admitting that need help,” Brandon, the headpsychologist, says. “We are here for you no matter what you need. At every time of the day or night, there will be a physical therapist, psychologist, and physiologist available with other staff to meet your needs. Take advantage of what we offer. You’re paying a pretty penny for it.”

I casually tune out as I look around the room. Large planters with beautiful plants and fountains are all around us.

When the orientation session is complete, I find myself beelining for the door.

“Danica,” Tia calls out to me.

Rolling my eyes, I find myself slowly turning around to address the other woman. I have no inclination to be friends with anyone or to make small talk. I simply want to make it through the next ninety days that Jade signed me up for and then return to my show.

Although I agreed with Jade’s suggestion, I’m not looking forward to being locked away from the world for three months.

“Hi, Danica.”

“Hello.”

“I just wanted to take a moment and personally welcome you to Horizons. I know that this decision to come here wasn’t an easy one, but I’m glad that you made the choice. Being under the spotlight can bring a lot of pressure, causing a person to lose control of their physical, spiritual, and mental well-being. I cannot begin to understand the type of pressure you have been under with the successful career that you have and constantly being in the spotlight.

“I want to say that I hope that your reason for coming isn’t solely to prove to your producers or network, or whoever makes casting decisions and decisions about what shows will air, that you can maintain your show. Because if that’s the reason, I can promise you now that you will fail.”

“Excuse me?”

“Hear me out,” she says, leveling a serious look my way. “I’ve been doing this for two decades now, and I’ve seen many success stories, and I’ve seen many devastating outcomes. I don’t want you to be in the latter. If you’re not doing this for yourself...not for Mama, Daddy, sister, brother, or lover, but for you, then you won’t be successful. I’m just telling you what I know.”

“Did you give anyone else that warning when they walked through these doors?” I ask heatedly.

“I didn’t have to. They have received their warnings through the messages that were conveyed here today. Many of them have a lot at stake just like you do, but they all have one thing in common.”

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