Page 83 of Blaze & Ajax

“Y-yeah, but just randomly, like I’d be sitting on the rooftop of my building and thinking about how easy it would be to fall, but I didn’t plan to do it.”

“You’re doing great, Jaxon. I know this is really hard, and it’s very brave of you to answer truthfully. Just a few more questions.”

I nodded, saying nothing.

“Have you ever tried to kill yourself?”

“No.”

“Are you having thoughts about killing yourself right now?”

“No.”

“You did really well. I would like to ask you some other questions, if I may.”

“Sure.”

He went on to ask me about when my depression started and determined the level of my depression. That was when Blaze chimed in.

“If I may,” he said, raising his hand. “Uhm, Jaxon was never depressed until several days ago. He’s usually really vibrant and happy with loads of energy, but it wasn’t until a few days before this happened that he was over the top.” Blaze looked at me. “Do you want to tell him what happened? Or me?”

I pulled up my legs and wrapped my arms around them, feeling like I got caught in some fucking crime spree. “You tell him.”

“It’s important you tell me in your own words,” Dr. Kimmel said to me.

I shook my head. “It’s like… I was on drugs or something, though I don’t do drugs… maybe some weed here or there, but nothing that would make me nuts.”

“Can you elaborate?”

“I was so full of this insane energy. I felt amazing. Alive. Happy. But there are moments where things aren’t so clear… like I’m not sure if it really happened or if it was real,” I glanced at Blaze. “The only thing I’m not totally cringing at is telling him I love him.”

Blaze gave me an oddly shy smile, suddenly blushing.

“But I just had this need to fuck… like a lot. I drove too fast on my bike and crashed it. It’s a wonder I didn’t hurt myself more. God, I ruined my apartment bathroom, trying to renovate it myself, which is fucking stupid since I have no idea how to do that. And I cleaned out my savings account. I’ve got nothing left. Shit… I don’t know where all that energy came from since I’d barely been sleeping at all.”

The doctor made several notes, nodding. “That explains the acute depression. It can also feel doubly worse after feeling so good. I’d like to run another assessment on you if I can for bipolar disorder. I also need to know your family medical history.”

God, I didn’t want to tell him about my mom. He’d probably have me committed forever.

“I know you’re tired, but I want to get an accurate assessment so I can stabilize you with some medications. Then I’ll set you up with some resources to find you a licensed professional counselor for cognitive-behavioral therapy, and you’ll need to have a psychiatrist to give you and maintain your medications.”

For the first time, I felt a sense of hope. “You’re not going to take me away.”

The doctor’s smile was kind and patient. “I don’t think that will be necessary, but I would like you to go to an intensive outpatient program for your suicidal ideations. I don’t feel they are acute enough to warrant a 72-hour hold.”

I breathed out a huge sigh of relief. “Thank fuck.”

“But it’s important that you go, Jaxon. If you have bipolar disorder, as I think you do, this is a lifelong treatment process. Your medications will need to be constantly monitored, you need to continue with therapy to control your triggers, and there will be setbacks. But your coming here shows how important this is to you, even with you being afraid. Many people live healthy lives with bipolar disorder.”

Was that what my mother had? Was that why she’d killed herself?

I rested my head back on my bed. “I’m not sure I can afford all this without insurance.”

The doctor patted my leg. “There are non-profit and state community health programs that will help with that.”

I lifted my head. “Really?”

“Really. Once we get you sorted out, and you head home, I’d like someone to stay with you for a while. I think it’s best not to stay alone.”

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