Page 84 of Blaze & Ajax

I looked at Blaze, who nodded at me. “I’ll watch over him, doc.”

Dr. Kimmel went on to test if I had bipolar disorder, which he believed I did after his analysis. He went on to give me an IV push for immediate relief with some valium to calm me. Then, he gave me a prescription for mood stabilizers and antidepressants.

When I was stabilized, I felt like I’d been put through a mental and physical wringer. I was fucking exhausted. But oddly, I was also feeling a little better and not so hopeless and disjointed.

I had no idea I’d fallen asleep in the car until Blaze woke me up.

“I need to call my other job… Fuck, how long have I been out of work?”

“Five days,” Blaze said.

“Shit, I guess I’m fired now.”

Alpha parked the car and turned to face me. “Not necessarily. Talk to your boss. I’m sure he’ll understand. If not, we’ll help you find another job. Let’s get you feeling better first.”

“Did the doctor say you can work?” Cueball asked, his face looking strangely emotional and a bit pale. He’d always been hard to read, a mystery, but this was the first time he’d let his walls crack a little.

“Yeah. He said I could.”

“Are you sure the doctor said you didn’t need to be put into an inpatient facility?”

I looked at Cueball and furrowed my brow. “I was worried about that, but he said no.”

“Good, good. While it’s not fun, it’s the safest place for those who have suicidal ideations,” he explained before turning to Blaze. “Keep Ajax close.”

“I will.”

“What’s going on?” I asked Cueball.

“Nothing.”

I was too tired to push, so I dropped it.

All three of them helped me up to my apartment, where I crashed into my bed, dead to the world.

I stood there withmy arms wrapped around me as I stared at Ajax, lying face down on his bed, completely out. He’d hardly slept at all before he fell into depression, so he had a lot of sleep to make up.

My emotions wrung tightly around me, constricting, suffocating. I never wanted to fucking go through that again, but I knew I would. The doctor made that clear. This was a lifelong mental health issue.

I was not only stressed out about Ajax, but about my own behavior and fucking life. If this wasn’t a wake-up call, I didn’t know what was. Not even getting kicked out of my own home pushed me to change and adapt. In fact, it had done the opposite because I didn’t care about my mother. I didn’t love her. My love for my stepfather wasn’t real. But Ajax? It proved how much and how hard I’d fallen.

Regardless, becauseof my refusal and stubbornness to adapt and grow, I’d failed Ajax. I fed his mania instead of trying to calm him down, and for what? Petty revenge against my mother?

“I’m a fucking piece of shit. I’m selfish. I can’t do anything right…” I whispered.

Ajax’s sleeping body blurred as the tears threatened.

Someone gripped my shoulder, and I turned to look at Cueball. Alpha was also watching me.

“I’m glad you’re starting to finally see clearly,” Cueball said. I huffed a humorless laugh because he always told you like it was, never mincing words. “You’re not a piece of shit. You’re just blind and have been spoiled for so long, making you entitled and wrapped up in your own pain that you’ve struggled to empathize with others. But I always knew there was someone good in there.”

I angrily wiped away a tear. “Is there, though? Do I have any goodness?”

“Definitely,” Alpha said. “Despite your difficulties with Ajax, you care about him and his well-being. That’s important.”

I didn’t see it, but I didn’t argue, either.

“If I wasn’t here, do you think… do you think he would’ve…”

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