Page 82 of Blaze & Ajax

Blaze gripped my hand tighter. “Is that what you’re feeling?”

Tears slid down my face as I shook my head. “I don’t want to die, but… I’ve been this way for days now. I can’t… live like this forever. There’s no way I could take it. I’m not strong enough. But I wonder what it would be like if I just never woke up.”

“You’re so strong. Stronger than me. I’m such a fuck up at life. I’m always failing people and making bad decisions. Sometimes, I don’t even care about others. God, I’m such a shit. Taking you to my mom’s… I should’ve known something bad was happening to you. Instead, I took you to vandalize. You make me have all these big fucking feelings… bad and good. I want to do better… for you.”

I opened my arms, and he fell into my chest. My hand curled into his hair as he held me back.

“God, I’ve been fighting these feelings that have been growing and growing. It feels like I’m going to explode. It fucking terrifies me because no one’s ever loved me before, not until you. You kissing and holding me without needing to punish me first is like you’re giving me some gift. I want so much more. But now, I’m more terrified that you’ll leave than I am over all these intense emotions. So, this is me trying to be brave for once in my fucking life. To take a leap with you.” With a deep breath, he said, “I love you, too.”

A gasp came out of me, shocked to hear those words from him, and so fucking grateful for them. But a part of me worried he was only placating me because of what I was going through.

Before I could question him or doubt him, he said, “When you first told me how you felt, I nearly ran. That you’ll see how bad I really am and turn your back on me.”

“Never,” I whispered.

“I think I know that now… or I’m trying to. I’ve been so afraid to tell you, but when we were smashing those cars and… you were right by my side on my birthday, the only one who ever had been, I fell hard for you right then.”

“I love you,” I said, kissing his head. For a brief moment, I felt at peace.

We lay together like that until the doctor came in shortly after. Reluctantly, we pulled apart. Blaze sat in a chair as the doctor introduced himself. He casually wore jeans and a tucked-in white polo shirt. He kept his dark blond hair neatly cropped and parted on the side.

The doctor looked way too young to me, but what did I know? At least he looked kind.

“Hello, Jaxon. I’m Jeff Kimmel. I’m the mental health clinician on staff. ”

We shook hands, and he grabbed the stool on wheels to sit on. Then he looked at Blaze. “Would you mind stepping out so I can talk to Jaxon privately?”

“No!” I slapped a hand over my mouth. “Please.”

“These questions I’m going to ask are rather private, Jaxon.”

“I don’t care. Aiden’s already seen me at my worst.”

The doctor nodded, grabbing a clipboard with some paperwork and a pen from the table built into the wall. “Very well. So, you’re here because you’ve been feeling depressed?”

“Yes.”

“This hospital is committed to patient safety. Many things, including medical problems, can cause emotional distress and can lead to thoughts of suicide. Therefore, we are asking all patients a few questions about suicide. Is that all right with you?”

“Are you going to commit me?”

The doctor’s smile was small. “We aren’t going to do anything yet other than assess you. I understand you’re afraid and uncertain right now, but I need you to be fully honest with me. All we want to do is help you and make you feel better. I’m here to ask you suicide risk screening questions. These can be hard things to talk about. Can I continue?”

I wiped my clammy hands on my jeans. “Okay.”

“Have you been wishing you were dead in the past few weeks?”

“Not really. Just some random thoughts, but nothing like I want to die.”

“Thank you, Jaxon,” he said, making some notes.

“In the past few weeks, have you felt like your family and friends would be better off without you?”

I paused, not wanting to answer him, afraid he’d have me committed no matter what I answered. Blaze grabbed my hand, giving me the strength I desperately needed. “It’s okay. Tell him.”

“I have, yeah.”

“Thank you. In the past few weeks, have you thought about killing yourself?”

---