Page 81 of Blaze & Ajax

“But… I ruined my apartment.”

Alpha looked at me questioningly.

“He… tried to renovate his bathroom,” I explained.

“Okay, we’ll deal with that, too, but later.”

Ajax got his shoes on and grabbed his keys and wallet. We all headed downstairs and piled into Alpha’s parked car.

Ajax sat in the middle of the backseat, and I sat next to him, holding his hand and playing with his fingers as he rested his head on my shoulder.

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

I kissed his head. “Me, too. But I’m here for you.”

I wasn’t sure what the emergency room could do for him, but I trusted Alpha and Cueball to know what the hell they were doing.

“Don’t leave me,” he said.

“Never.”

The closer we gotto the hospital, the more stressed out I got. My stomach was in knots so much that I felt like I was about to throw up the eggs I’d eaten. My hand was clammy in Blaze’s, but I didn’t want to let him go.

I was even more terrified he’d leave me. This was all a lot. He had his own shit to deal with, let alone put up with mine. It wouldn’t surprise me if he ran, and I wouldn’t blame him one fucking bit. But he was here with me now, and that meant something. It was important. I loved him a little bit more, but I wish he’d tell me, too, or at least that he felt the same. I needed to hear those words more than I needed to breathe right now, only for a little reassurance that I wasn’t so alone.

But what the fuck did that matter? It wouldn’t be real. It wouldn’t bring me happiness. Still, I clung to his hand, desperate to keep him from realizing I wasn’t worth the trouble.

It didn’t matter that I had friends with me. I felt so detached… disconnected from everyone and everything, like someone had unplugged me.

My entire body clenched when we arrived at the ER and parked, and then it started to shake.

“I’ve got you,” Blaze whispered.

“I’m scared. What if they take me away?”

His eyes watered, but he refused to look away, gently cupping my face. “I’mnotleaving you.”

“Okay…” I said, not fighting him. If they took me away, he’d have no choice.

I climbed out of the car, clinging to Blaze as we all walked inside the hospital. The place was busy, full of sick people, sicker than I was. I felt like I was just taking up space for someone who needed more help than me.

Alpha helped me check in and explained why I was there because I could barely move or speak. Then we sat and waited.

They finally called me back half an hour later.

The nurse looked at my three friends. “You can only bring one back with you. I’m sorry, but we’ve updated our visiting rules.”

I looked back at Blaze, Alpha, and Cueball. There was no question who I would bring. I grabbed Blaze’s hand, and he squeezed it back.

“Blaze, keep us posted,” Alpha said.

“I will.”

I lay on the bed upright as the nurse checked my vitals and asked me several questions before starting an IV drip for fluids. When she finished, she informed me they would send a mental health professional in to evaluate me shortly.

Blaze sat on the edge of the bed, and I looked around the room as thoughts about my mother slammed home.

“Is this what my mom felt when she took her life? Did she feel this hopeless?” My eyes watered, still terrified about what was going to happen to me. Would they put me in some facility, never to let me go, seeing how crazy I was? “I never understood how she took her life, leaving behind her children, but it sort of makes more sense now. Like I love you and my friends… At the sametime, I feel like I don’t belong. That there’s something so wrong with me, and I’m not worth it. It wasn’t that she didn’t love us, but she just felt like death was better than living.”

---