Page 36 of What I Should Have Known

“What the fuck does he have against people in the military?” I asked as adrenaline and anger roared hot through my veins once more.

“It’s just some gossip that I heard,” she muttered, her gaze softening as her hand gently rested against my cheek. “A grudge he’s held for a long time that has nothing to do with you.”

“And what if Kat wants something casual? Why doesn’t she get a say in this?” I asked quietly, suddenly feeling sounlike myself.

So…small.

My mom inhaled deeply. “Is something casual really what you want, or is that what you’ve convinced yourself is all you deserve?”

Strained breaths struggled to fill my lungs as moisture clouded my vision. “That doesn’t matter,” I choked out.

“She makes you forget. Even for a little bit doesn’t she? Everything that happened, all of the pain, all of the grief.” My mom’s soft voice slipped across the air as velvety as the lullabies she used to sing to me as a kid. Songs that I hadn’t heard in a lifetime.

I closed my eyes, grateful that there was nothing but darkness and starlight surrounding us at this moment. And for half a second, I let myself feel everything that I hated. Everything that destroyed me.

For half a second. That was it.

I sniffed, opened my eyes, swallowed down the heavy anguish, and cleared my throat. “I’m fine. Just bored.”

My mom’s hand slipped off my cheek. “Oh, sweetie,” she tenderly whispered. A pained smile barely noticeable graced her face. “At least be upfront and open with Kat. Make sure she’s aware of your intentions. Then, I guess whatever she decides… is her choice.”

“I’ll hurt her, won’t I? Like I always do,” I replied, choking down the understanding of how grave the consequences could be.

“No, honey,” my mom said. “She’s not the one who will get hurt.” And without another word, she turned and left me standing alone, lost in thoughts that I didn’t believe or understood.

Shoving my hands into my pockets, I tipped my head to the sky, once again feeling the darkness rolling into my mind. Silenced and empty, theworld around me became nothing. Numb and blank was better than twisted and depraved, anguished and grieving. Feeling nothing, caring about nothing never worked for me, but hiding behind the mask of a hollowed reality did.

Once again, I brought my gaze back to where I’d last seen Kat, only to find both her and her best friend gone. I should’ve known. She wasn’t going to come looking for me. Which was fine. The reality of what I wanted, what I should have known about my own feelings, crashed into me like a hurricane.

But I also knew that it didn’t matter what I truly wanted. And admitting to Kat that I actually desired her, wanted to pursue her seriously, was shoved to the back of my mind. Locked away, never to be opened again because the truth of my life made that impossible.

I accepted settling for nothing more than whatever casual shit she’d let me have.

“Hey.” A hand tapped me on my shoulder, and I spun around, latched onto the wrist, and jerked it toward me.

My eyes widened as Emma crashed into my body.

“Ow,” she hissed and shoved against my chest. “What the fuck?”

“Sorry,” I muttered, quickly releasing my defensive hold on her. “Wait, why are you here?”

“I came looking for you, you idiot, while Kat helps load some steers with her dad.”

I furrowed my brows and put even more space between Emma and me. “Why’dyoucome looking for me?”

“Because you’re coming with me next week, and Kat doesn’t need to know. I want to surprise her.”

“Coming with you where? I don’t know you, and I don’t go anywhere with strangers. My mama taught me about stranger danger,” I sassed in response, and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, because all one-hundred-thirty pounds of me could take you on, mister military man.” She curled her lips into a teasing sneer.

“How the fuck do you know that?” I asked, fighting the smirk. No wonder Kat liked her.

“Kat told me, obviously. She also mentioned why you call her Kit Kat.” She raised a brow, the annoyance in her face fleeing within a moment.

“Did she finally figure it out?” I let the grin fill my face.

Emma chuckled and smiled. “No, but I did. That girl is confident but absolutely clueless. Anyway, they’ve gotta move the cattle to summer pasture up the mountains next week so they’re gonna ride their horses while pushing the herd and—”

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