Page 35 of What I Should Have Known

My mom paced back and forth in front of me. Hardly any light reached us, leaving silver moonbeams to cast eerie shadows across her face. She paused briefly, spun toward me, and then quickly turned away and continued her marching.

“I asked one thing, that was it,” she muttered without looking at me.

“I know, Mom, and I’m sorry,” I replied quietly.

She shook her head. “Bernie, I love you, but why? What am I supposed to say to everyone at work? Or when I just want to go to town for groceries? Give me one valid reason that would explain why you thought it was smart to get on a horse like that. Everyone knows we moved here from Chicago. Everyone knows that we are not country people, so why the hell would you do that?”

“I mean, I didn’t get bucked off.” Ishrugged.

“And that’s supposed to make all of this better? You did something impulsive. Again.” She whipped her gaze toward me and stomped up to me.

“I thought you wanted me to get out. To have a little fun.”

“Not like this!” She threw her hands in the air. “I meant by finding some friends and doing something that won’t land you in the hospital.” Jabbing her finger into my chest, she pulled her lips into a thin line. “Or worse.”

“This is about Duncan.” I gently wrapped my hand around her finger and slid it away from me. With a fluid motion, I pulled her into my frame and simply held my mom. Her body trembled within my embrace.

“I feel so guilty because I’m grateful it wasn’t you. But I also know just how easily it could’ve been you,” she whispered against my chest.

Closing my eyes, I cradled her tighter into me. Little did she know just how much her words seemed stolen directly from my own thoughts. There was nothing I could say to rectify the situation. There was nothing I could do except accept the guilt and reality of the situation. Except I wanted nothing more than to return to the back of that bronc.

For eight seconds, there was nothing but me and that powerful beast.

There had been no anguish. No grief. No pain. There had been no empty silence to sit with my thoughts. Adrenaline and survival were all there had been. And the thought of knowing that if I came off, I would’ve once again failed to protect someone I cared about.

This line I walked was a thin one, a dangerous one, bleeding black and gray. But I’d been unable to find the ability to dismount the train chugging along, taking me closer to where Duncan was waiting.

Almost as if I taunted death. Egged him on to find me, yet somehow escaped the devil’s grasp every time. I’d keep begging, but I wasn’t going to beg for free. I never had.

With a deep sigh, I plunked my chin against my mom’s head and let my gaze wander across the crowd, searching for one person, one specific woman who at least offered me some balance and control in this dance I had going with the devil.

Hair scratched against my chin as my mom shifted slightly away from me. “Why’d you do it?” she asked quietly.

Finally, I locked onto the fiery, short, absolutely delicious woman standing in front of her blonde best friend. Emma danced in a circle, her shriek audible from here, and I furrowed my brows, curious as to what the ruckus was about.

“No, Bernie. Please, no,” my mom hissed, shoving out of my hold entirely.

I glanced back at her. “No, what?” I asked.

She lifted a trembling finger, pointing directly at Kat. “Please tell me it has nothing to do with Kat.”

She whipped back around and slapped both palms against my cheeks, jerking my head toward her. “AnyonebutKat. Please. Tell me it’s her friend, Emma or Ellie, or whatever her name is. Please because Bernie, of all people, itcan’tbe Kat.”

Tugging my face out of her hold, I leaned away and rubbed a palm over the lingering sting. “What’s going on?” Confusion twisted tight around my heart, and a faint pattering of apprehension.

“Bernie. I love you. You know that. But Kat is… Kat is unofficially spoken for, and if you get yourself mixed up in all of that—”

“Unofficially spoken for? By who? That asshat Wyatt?” I crossed my arms, the confusion and apprehension shoved out by frustration.

“No. By her dad. Well, to Wyatt, but her dad has pretty much sealed the deal between his only daughter and Wyatt. He comes from a wealthy family. He can provide her with stability, and it’s a good connection for her.”

“What are we? In the fucking eighteen-hundreds? I’m pretty sure Kat can choose whoever she wants.”

“And you think she’d choose you? Have you told her everything? Does she know?” My mom sighed and closed her eyes. “Her family will never accept you, Bernie.”

I furrowed my brows and shook my head. “I’m not looking for anything serious, you know that.”

“Exactly!” she exclaimed, her eyes snapping open. “Benjamin, please listen to me. Kat’s dad will make your life a living hell if he were to find out that you simply want some casual fling with her. Plus, there’s the fact that you’re in the military and you’ve had boyfriends and—”

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