Page 102 of What I Should Have Known

Determination to never stop looking for him.

I took the stairs two at a time, sliding back into the kitchen. “He left a note for you,” I said to Eleanor as she rinsed another dish.

She didn’t look up as her hands paused, the water sloshing around the rubber gloves dunked into the water. “Read it to me, please,” she whispered.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to intrude on anything private between you two,” I said, hesitating despite the fact I was a little curious as to what he said to her.

“Of course, Kat. It’s you.” She balled her hands up with a squeak of the gloves, causing a ripple of waves in the sink water.

“Okay,” I muttered and unfolded the letter.

Clearing my throat, I began. “‘Mom, I’m sorry. I know how hard I’ve been to raise, and it seems that even now, as a fully grown adult, not much has changed. I’m so sorry for causing a stir wherever I go. For upsetting your new life you’ve built here. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m tired of hurting those that I care about and love. Of being unable to protect those that are so much more deserving of peace than I am. My selfishness and impulsivity seem to only cause grief for everyone around me, and I can’tdo that anymore. So, whether you see this as my final selfish decision, or finally a selfless act, I’ve decided to remove…’” My voice choked as tears slid down my cheeks, knowing what was coming next.

Bernie’s mom remained still, her gaze staring straight through the window above the sink. The water had long since been turned off, leaving not a sound but the ticking clock on the wall.

Leaning forward, I rested my elbows against the kitchen island and continued. “‘I’ve decided to remove myself from the equation. No, don’t worry, not from this world entirely, just from this life here. It’s the one thing I have control over. Now, no one will be gossiping about what ‘Eleanor’s son’ just did. This way, no one will be giving you dirty looks, or talking behind your back. This way Kat can have the life she deserves. I took Muffin with me so I’m not alone and will write every now and then. Please be there for Kat because I know she’ll be angry with me for taking her choice away, but I don’t know what else to do to keep her safe. I already broke my promise to her.’”

I briefly closed my eyes, choking down the anguish and yes, anger, just as he said. I was mad at him for thinking that we were all better off without him. I was angry that he didn’t give me the choice, just as he said. I was also so angry that he no longer seemed to see just how much I’d rather be hurting with him around than without him. But what pissed me off the most, was knowing that he hadn’t broken his promise to keep me safe but believed he did.

Swallowing, I resumed reading the letter. “‘I know I haven’t ever really told you much about what happens when I’m gone. It’s not something I usually worry about talking to anyone about because I’ve always beenso good at keeping it overseas. When I’m home, I’ve always thought I’ve had a good handle at beinghome. But this time… This time everything I worked so hard to keep away from you followed me. I brought the destruction with me. And I’m terrified of how much worse it’ll get. I’m proud of my service, but damn does it fucking hurt sometimes. Sorry for the cussing, Mom. It’s a bad habit, I know.’”

I smiled stiffly to myself as Bernie’s mom quietly chuckled. “He had that habit before he enlisted,” she whispered through silent tears. With a heavy sigh, Eleanor nodded once, asking me to continue.

“‘Anyway, tell Raiden that on his sixteenth birthday, I’ll tell him where I hid the keys to my 4Runner. It’s his. Remind him to have fun at prom, and to make sure he doesn’t grow up to be like me. Tell him… Tell him that I love him and I’m sorry. Both of you should know that even if you can’t see me, I’m there. And Mom, it’s okay to find companionship and love again. I think it would make Dad happy to see you thriving. Plus, Raiden deserves a father. I am such a lucky man. One last thing. Tell Kat—’”

I stopped reading and exhaled heavily, not ready to find out what he wanted to say to me. Not ready to have confirmation that he was truly gone. My heart fell to my stomach. I knew deep down that this wasn’t meant to hurt me, that this was him in pain. That this was the only way he could think to deal with it. But I hated it.

A gentle arm slid around my shoulders, and I glanced to my left. Bernie’s mom stood beside me, holding me as my hands trembled. She gave me a pained smile.

I took a deep breath and looked back at the letter. “‘Tell Kat that she’s it for me. And I can’t believe that I got so lucky to have her, for however brief of atime. Tell her she deserves all the happiness in the world, and I can’t wait for the day she finds it. Tell her that I’ll forever cherish every memory with her and that she truly made me a better man. But I have to go. Tell her that she’s safe and that I’m sorry.’”

Eleanor squeezed my arm, pulling me closer into her as the next sentence tumbled from my mouth. “‘You were right, Mom. I should’ve listened. I did nothing but cause a mess for Kat, and that is my biggest regret. Not how I feel about her. Not what I shared with her. But that it hurt her in ways I should have known it would. I love her, Mom. Which is why I have to go.’”

The letter fell from my hands as I rammed my eyes shut and a pool of tears crashed down my cheeks. “No, you don’t!” I cried out. “You asshole!” I slammed a fist into the countertop.

“You don’t have to go. I know you’re hurting and you blame yourself, but it’s not your fault. And you didn’t ruin anything.” Oxygen was fleeting as I gasped for air and choked down the snot welling up in my nose.

“Duncan wasn’t your fault. Me getting shot wasn’t your fault. And I hate you for leaving!” I roared, rage shearing through me like a knife.

Eleanor slid her palm up and down my arm and gently tugged the letter out from my hands. She cleared her throat and continued reading. “‘Also, stop denying the money I send you, Mom. It’s the least I can do seeing as I’ll never truly be able to repay you for everything you’ve done for me. I love you. Your son, Bernie.’”

Silence.

Excruciating silence swallowed me whole. A doom as heavy as the ocean pulled me to the darkest depths known to mankind.

But amidst the blackening suffocation pulsed a red thread of anger and desire. He owed me. I deserved to chew him out to his face. But he also deserved to feel the same kind of unwavering love he believed I deserved.

Standing up straight, I gently slid out of Eleanor’s tightening grasp.

“What are you doing, Kat?” she asked, wiping a palm against her damp cheek.

“I’m going to get him,” I said, choking down my tears.

“No, Kat. He asked us to let him go.”

I furrowed my brows. “That’s not what you actually want, is it? You don’t actually think that’s best for him, do you?”

“What I think is that he should come for you!” She spun and faced me. “He should be chasing you, not running away.”

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