Page 45 of Gift from the Nexus

“I believe you’ve grown enough to know deep down inside none of those events were your fault. There was nothing you truly could’ve done differently to prevent the outcome. I…I think you keep blaming yourself for what happened because of your actions afterward. You connect the two as one, therefore the entirety is your fault, when that’s not true. The blame is completely on the Mastery, at least for Caspian and your aunt, no doubt. One way or another, they would’ve found a way, despite what you would’ve done.”

Her words spread throughout my mind, trying their hardest to embed themselves and block out the rebuttal on my lips. I’ve blamed the Mastery. Of course I have, there’s no way I couldn’t, but I’ve put myself on the same pedestal of fault as them.

I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to automatically disagree with her. I want to listen, comprehend, and analyze her words, but when my silence stretches on, she continues in a quiet voice.

“I also think you’ve concerned yourself with being in control so much, you’ve isolated your gift into a box with everything and everyone else, rather than it being an extension of you, and that’s why when your emotions become so heightened, it tries to take over. Just like my air, like Draken’s dragon, like Tillman’s mental command, Caspian’s shadows. I think you’ve yet to accept your gift as a part of you, so it fights to protect you, and instead of allowing it to, you put it in restraints,” she says so calmly, so factually, I’m taken aback.

I accept my gift as part of me.

As if my gift has a mind of its own and wants to test that statement, it tries to break free, and I immediately shut it down, slamming it back into its cage. The instant realization knocks the air out of my lungs, and I choke back a tortured gasp.

My mind begins replaying every time in my life I’ve done this, how many times a day I deny its access to be free. I honestly don’t know what it would do if I let it out to do as it pleased. It may not do anything but make my body glow.

“Fuck,” I mumble quietly.

“We’ll work on it. We all will work on it with you, just as everyone’s done with me,” Willow swears.

I hold her gaze for a long moment, studying the sincerity reflecting at me, and I relish the small amounts of the devotion she’s trying to push down our bond. How she’s able to see right through my mask is remarkable and so incredibly frustrating. I’d give anything to hide the worst of me from her, but she’d never have that.

“I’m sorry you had to see that side of me. That’s why I left your room, why I didn’t want you in here. I’m barely holdingit together, princess, and I don’t want you to see me like this.” Embarrassment crawls across my skin. I hate admitting all of this to her, but she deserves my truth.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything,” I say immediately.

“Do you truly like having control or do you feel like at this point you have to have it?” she asks seriously.

“Both. I’ve been controlling since the moment I entered this realm. I don’t know if it was the product of being the firstborn and the suffocating pressures that some of the influential adults in my life put on me, or a trait Elementra decided to give me a little extra of, but regardless, I love being in control and feel like I have to be. I may go overboard sometimes, but having control alleviates my…” I pause, swallowing roughly.Justadmit it. To her. Only her.

“Anxiety. The fears that come over me when I sink too far in my mind and think about how any decision made by someone else could cost me my brothers sends me to a dark place. My thoughts work against me, conjuring up the worst of the worst outcomes. When I take back control, it soothes those dark thoughts. It calms me down and gives me my power back.

“Having control over any and every situation, having a plan in place so we can get the results that matter, makes me feel safe and accomplished. The order it brings, brings me peace. I love that my control makes me more powerful than most people because unlike them, I can use that power for what’s best for you, my brothers, the realm rather than letting beings like the Mastery use their power and control to hurt and manipulate others. I was raised around people, a certain someone, who was controlling too. Punishingly so. I saw and recognized I inherited some of those traits and I swore to myself I’d never use my controlling nature to harm anyone but rather help as much as I could.”

It’s easy to admit that even though honestly, I know many others hate it about me. I know for a fact my parents have just accepted it, that’s why when I wouldn’t take no for an answer about taking over the role as Headmaster twenty years early, they caved easily. It drives my brothers up the wall, but they also know it’s ingrained in me, and I’ll never change at this point. It’s why our circle is so small. Not many can tolerate me on a level of friendship.

“It doesn’t drive me up the wall, most of the time. It’s my favorite trait about you,” she says sweetly, I guess thinking that’s going to excuse the fact she’s still pointedly eavesdropping.

Snorting, I shake my head at her. “I find that hard to believe, princess.”

“I mean it. Giving over my control to you, I’ve never felt more in control in my life. It’s a type of safety that makes me feel powerful. Even though it’s you calling the shots, not me, I’m at the forefront of every decision. My wellbeing is your priority and that makes me feel worthy, cherished.

“I thought about you so many times while I was trying to figure my way out of that prison. What would Corentin do? If he were here, he’d know, he’d tell me, he’d guide me. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you, Core,” she says so softly, so thoughtfully, my entire being flushes.

Fuck, little does she know I’d never survive without her.

“I need something from you,” she murmurs.

“Name it, princess.”

“I need you to take control now. I need…you to punish me.”

My eyes whip down to meet hers as her sweet, desperate tone trails off, and my heart crawls into my throat. Her need, her want, her intentions glare back at me so forcefully, it takes every bit of composure I have to stop from giving in to her call immediately.

Jumping up as quickly and gently as I can, I stand at the side of the bed to put some distance between us. There’s an itch in my palm that I try my damnedest to ignore, clenching my fist tightly to hide the slight tremor that started the second the words left her lips.

No, absolutely not. I’m in no way, shape, or form able to give in to her request right now. I won’t be able to hold myself back.

“Willow, you’re healing. What happened today—”

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