Page 44 of Gift from the Nexus

Struggling.

I’m not supposed to struggle.

We, me and the guys, each have a role to play in this Nexus. Each of us fits a responsibility perfectly and it’s what’s kept us so strong, so close. There’ve been times where one of us has slipped and the others have had to pick up the slack, but never have I fallen down so hard I can’t pull myself out of it quickly. But not today…

“Are you mad at me?” Her sweet voice cuts through my muddled thoughts and I release a deep breath, looking down at her.

My gaze traces every bruise, the watery eyes, the guilt, the love, and judging by the wild thud of my heart, pounding so hard against my rib cage, it’s going to fall out right into her palm any second.

“As irrational as it is, yeah, princess, I am. But I’m madder at this situation as a whole,” I admit hoarsely.

Nodding, she doesn’t get defensive, she doesn’t try to argue her point of why she did what she did. Complete and utter understanding reflects at me in those silver eyes and that settles part of the turmoil rolling through me.

“I am too, and I’d also be mad if it were any of you. What has you the maddest?”

Myself.

“That’s what I don’t understand. I can completely understand being mad at me, all the circumstances, but why are you so upset with yourself, Corentin?”

I’m tempted to call her out about being as bad at listening to my thoughts as Tillman, but I don’t. It’s a deflection from being honest with her, and it’s unfair.

“I…my gift…” I struggle to find the words I’m searching for, and that ignites another fire in me. I don’t know how to explain this properly to her, so she understands what I’m feeling without thinking of me as the biggest fraud in all the realm.

“Because I failed, again. I failed you. I failed the guys. I’m barely hanging onto my gift by a thread. I’ve pushed myself to be as prepared, as planned, as controlled as I possibly can so we can avoid things like this, yet it continues to happen, and every single time, I’m just shy of stopping it. Then I lose control like a damn child. My gift tries to take control, let loose, and I can’t allow that to happen.”

“What do you mean?” she asks quietly.

I want to tell her about every time I’ve failed so miserably, the results were devastating, but at the same time, I don’t. There’re parts of my mind screaming for me to change the subject, turn it around on her, get her to tell me every single thing that happened.

The gentle stroking of her hand on the side of my neck calms the pounding pulse and I sigh.

“The day Caspian was kidnapped, I was with him. We were in the forest, playing our version of hide and seek with our gifts. Even though the point of the game was to stay away from one another, I was always supposed to stay close to him. It was my responsibility to keep him safe, keep an eye on him. That day, I let him get too far ahead because I just wanted him to hang out with me. We weren’t…seeing eye to eye during that time. That’s when the rebels came for him.

“It was a setup and by the time I made it through the forest, following the sound of him bellowing my name, I was too late. I was feet from him, my arms outstretched, ready to grab him, but I was too late. While my parents organized an immediate search and rescue, rather than helping prepare a plan to get my brother back, I lost my fucking mind in my room. My gift burst free and destroyed everything. Nearly blinded one of my dads when they came to check on me. The entire duration he was gone, I walked around with a halo of light surrounding me because I couldn’t pull my gift all the way back in. I could barely think straight.

“The afternoon we rescued him, the only reason my mom allowed me to go was if I swore I’d stay by Aunt Tilly’s side. Stay close. But when we realized we were severely outnumbered, I convinced her I’d be more help outside than inside with her. When the fire seared her back, we took off. I was right beside Tillman, but I couldn’t reach Aunt Tilly.

“Instead of supporting my best friend, lending a shoulder he so desperately needed or consoling my mom who lost her best friend, the sister who laid down her life for her nephew, again, my gift surged out of me, and I spent hours destroying my room and everything in it.

“Then one morning, my uncle came here and told me how much he loved me, how proud he was of me. It wasn’t unusualfor him to say those things. He was just as involved with us and our lives growing up as any other adult. He asked me to have breakfast with him, said he wanted to discuss a few things with me. I asked him if it was important or if it could wait.

“He gave me a smile and said no, it was okay, and again that he loved me. I knew, I felt that something was wrong, but I ignored it because I was too focused on my studies, and he was interrupting me. A few hours later, Gaster called and said to come to the palace. We did, and that’s where he told us my uncle had died. I knew something was wrong and I did nothing but rush him from my room, this room.

“That day, when my gift broke free of the cage I had worked tirelessly to construct for it over the years, I nearly took out the entire east wing, and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t stop until I almost drained every drop of power left in me. There my mom was, crying and crying over the loss of her last sibling, then to top it off, she had to sit at my bedside, a grown-ass, twenty-six-year-old man’s bedside, while I slowly replenished my magic.”

Pausing, I close my eyes, fighting against the shame washing over me for the way I let my emotions get the best of me each and every one of those times. I’d been raised, trained better than that, yet the moment shit hit the fan, so did my gift and I.

“I swore I’d never allow myself to lose that level of control ever again. My gift would never take over me in that way again, and I haven’t allowed it too, for the most part, until you got here, princess. I feel like I have no control over myself or my gift whatsoever when it comes to you. Between it and my bond, I don’t feel like my body is even mine anymore to command. It’s theirs. When really, my control, my bond, my gift, my element, magic, everything should be unwavering, strong as steel, and on the same page so I can protect you. Protect you from days like today.”

For a long moment, she doesn’t speak, and as the silence stretches on, my shame continues to crash into me. At any moment, it’s going to suck me up, spin me around, and spit me back out like a vicious tornado tearing through the forest, leaving nothing but devastation in its wake.

“I saw. I saw all three of those times in our awakening,” she whispers.

Sealing my lips shut to suppress the groan that wants to leave me, I quietly curse Elementra for that. Of course she would show her the three lowest moments of my life. The three moments that show my truth. I’m not near as in control as I want to be.

“I won’t try to lecture you about how two of those incidents, you were just a teenager, and your reactions were normal, because I don’t think you’d listen or take it well anyway…” She trails off and I can’t help the small twitch of my lip because she knows me just as well as my brothers. The side of her that balances Tillman out, coming through full force. “I do need to say something, though, if that’s okay with you, and I just want you to think about it.”

“Go on then, princess.”

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