Page 42 of Gift from the Nexus

Corentin

“You have to stop. You’re only making it harder on yourself and her. She doesn’t blame you for anything. We don’t blame you for anything. There was nothing we could’ve done differently,” Tillman says in a harsh whisper, his glare pointed directly toward me.

Never fails that he tries to make me see his reason.

But this time is so much different.

Two of the last three times, my actions, or lack thereof, have caused someone to get hurt, even worse, died, the argument was I was young, only a teenager, and I can’t shoulder any blame for what happened. I wouldn’t hear it. My lack of action was inexcusable.

This time…

This time is unforgivable. We nearly lost her. For good.

“First of all, get the fuck out of my head. Second, how can you possibly believe that?” I sneer at him, then move my gaze back to Willow.

In minutes after taking another healing vial and eating the entire bowl of soup I had the kitchen bring up, she was out like a light. Sleeping peacefully laid across Caspian’s chest with Draken on one side and Tillman on the other.

Perfect, safe, exactly where she should’ve been the whole time.

“I won’t, just like I won’t get out of hers right now. Now isn’t the time to fall apart and shut one another out. And how can I believe it? Because that’s what she believes. She has complete faith that Elementra sent her there for a reason, many reasons, despite the personal cost to herself. If she feels it that deeply, who am I to question her?” he states with full conviction.

It’s a rhetorical question that doesn’t need an answer. We aren’t in any position to question her, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take some of the blame, some of the responsibility for this. I could’ve made sure the wards were strengthened more. I could’ve made sure Mr. Blythe had better protective measures around himself. I could’ve not been so fucking stupid to believe the enchantment around the gym was ours.

“Corentin, just stop.”

“Don’t tell me to stop, Tillman. We aren’t children anymore where you just get to pry down my walls and hear what you wantto hear, then call me out about it. I have a right to think whatever the fuck I want to think right now,” I say sternly.

“You have to stop thinking that way. It’s only going to hurt her and yourself. Listen and believe me when I say, there was absolutely nothing you could’ve done to change this outcome. Willow was the only one with the power to change anything,” he fires back.

“What do you know that we don’t?” I ask and immediately grit my teeth when he shakes his head at me.

“I’ve tried to stay out of most of her thoughts that revolve around what she learned and what all happened. She wants to be the one to tell us and I’m respecting that boundary, but there’s no doubt in her mind that what happened had to happen. So you need to believe that and let this go before you upset her any further.”

His words gut me like a fish.

The looks, feelings she’s been sending my way haven’t gone unnoticed, and no part of me has wanted to or has purposely been trying to hurt her, but I can’t bring myself to embrace her. That’s what my bond and my heart want more than anything. To wrap her in my arms where she’s safe, protected, cherished, loved, but I can’t because I can’t shake this feeling.

Loss of control, failure.

A soft sigh permeates the spreading silence, and we all turn our attention to her as she nuzzles down deeper into Caspian’s chest, extending her arms out to grasp an arm each of Tillman’s and Draken’s. When her leg stretches out, her foot moving across the sheets, searching for something, a deep frown takes over her brow when she doesn’t feel it.

I know it’s me she’s looking for, but I can’t.

Getting up and crossing the bed, I lean across Tillman to lay a gentle kiss to her forehead until the wrinkles smooth out, thengive his shoulder a squeeze. I hear what he’s saying, and I know he’s right, but I need a minute.

I need to collect myself before I snap. I refuse to allow that to happen. Especially with her here.

“I’ll see you all in the morning,” I whisper, rushing from the room before any of them have a chance to try to stop me.

Pulling out my communicator as I emerge at the fork in the hallway, I stand there, weighing my options. Go to the lounge and drown the feelings away in whiskey or go to my room and get some work done.

Work wins.

Despite the fact our Nexus protectively surrounds her, I’d never forgive myself if something were to happen and I was too drunk to react in time.

Cold emptiness seeps into my very being as I cross the threshold and stare around at the lifeless room. There’s not a shroud of anything in here that brings the slightest emotion out in me other than despair. It’s become nothing more than a glorified closet at this point.

I want to rage. I want to destroy it. Send every particle of anything flying across the walls just to feel something other than this soul-wrenching guilt. The longer I stand here in the doorway glaring, the higher the temperature of my blood rises, with it, the life, the burning heat of my gift comes bubbling to the surface.

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