Page 43 of I Am Lioness

Uncertainty hung in the air around us and I knew it was probably taking everything within him not to press me for an answer. We just stood there, clinging to one another, my fingers clenching the back of his tee tightly.

“Because I am.” I finally brittled out.

Knox stilled. Then he squeezed me against him and I could feel his heart racing in his chest. “Don't do this.”

Those three little words almost wrecked me but I stood my ground. “I don't have much of a choice.”

“Yes you do. It might not be easy but we can make this work.”

“I don't think so, Knox. I'm not in any condition to be attempting a relationship. Not to mention, I'm leaving again and the distance will be further this time. I also have to find a new coach and focus on the finals. Moving forward just feels like a disaster waiting to happen.”

“Has it been a disaster thus far?”

“No, but…”

“Then what’s the problem? I’d say everything has been damn near perfect until now. I won't lie, the distance sucks, but we’ve already made it halfway through the season. I'd endure another year of it, no matter how far the League took you, if it meant I could have you.Look at me...”

I shook my head. One look at those baby blues and I was bound to lose it for sure.

“Look at me.” He demanded, his tone more firm this time.

Please, God, do not let me cry right now.

Sucking in as much air as my lungs would allow, I craned my head back and rested my chin on his chest. I had to bite my lip to quell the sob that bubbled in my throat from the tormented look marring his gorgeous face.

“You’re upset,” he started, “devastated,grieving...I get it. Don’t push me away, though. Don’t make bullshit excuses and push me away during a time you when should want me around most. Do you have any idea how much it’s killed me to see you like this, under these circumstances, and to know there's nothing I can do about it? I feel so helpless, hell, I feel useless…”

“Knox, don’t…”

He set one finger over my lips. “You wanted me by your side just yesterday, right? Isn’t that reason enough now?”

Yes,I wanted to say. I couldn’t though. Bernie’s death was my sign. I’d played fate far too long, had convinced myself I was in the clear, when in reality I was only provoking it by allowing Knox to be in my life.

This is how it had to be.

He would more than likely hate me when it was all said and done, but it was better he hate me than die because of me. This was the only way I could protect him.

“We have to end this. “ I whispered.

Knox’s head flew back in disbelief and almost immediately I could feel the burn of his scrutinizing gaze. I turned away, feeling myself shrink smaller and smaller by the second. I couldn’t bear to look him in the eye and see the pain I’d put there.

When his hands fell away and he took a few steps back, I almost gasped as that overwhelming and all too familiar feeling of desolation hit me like a freight train. He hadn’t even left the room and I already felt like I wanted to shatter.

“Why?” He asked gruffly, prompting me to peer in his direction. “Why are you doing this? You call me in a hysterical state, telling me you wished I was with you. So I dropevery damn thingto fly out and be by your side, and then you do this? Why, Hazel? Please explain because I’m having a hard time understanding.”

Words failed me once more. There was nothing I could say or do that would truly make him understand why it had to be this way.

The silence stretched between us and I could see him becoming more and more agitated. His brow was furrowed, his chest rising and falling a little faster, hands clenched into fists at his sides. And his eyes, God, his eyes...they were like two razor sharp icicles boring into me with such intensity, I felt the moment they lacerated my heart.

“Answer me.” He gritted out through his teeth.

“Knox...I…” I started, wringing my fingers together nervously. I should’ve known he wasn’t just going to accept my decision and walk away like nothing ever happened, like we didn’t have this inexplicable connection that even I couldn’t deny.

“For the love of God, woman”—he raked his hands into his hair—“will you answer me?!”

I cringed at the tone of his voice. He was so angry, rightfully so, but nonetheless it was like a slap in the face that smarted my cheek and spread through my entire being.

“Everyone around me dies.” I blurted out, sinking down onto my knees. Tears welled in my eyes and I cowered into the safety of my hands, refusing to let him to see me cry more than he already had.

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