Page 44 of I Am Lioness

I heard, rather than saw him padding over and dropping down in front of me. “Everyone what?” His voice was softer this time.

“Everyone around me dies, Knox, everyone.” Still the words were muffled, barely audible behind my hands. He pulled them away from my face and brought two fingers under my chin, tilting my head up to meet his awaiting stare.

“Anyone and everyone I care about, they die. They all the fucking die, Knox!” I choked out, trying my damnedest to hold it together as thick, heavy droplets began to pour down my cheeks. “My family, my best friend! I’m sure Zeke would have been next had we stayed together. And now”—I scoffed—“now,I lost Bernie.”

“None of that is your fault though, baby. Death is part of…”

“Don't,” I said, holding up a hand. “Just don't. I know it's notmyfault… Yet somehow it is. People assume I’m this closed-off, anti-social person by choice. It's not by choice. It’s with reason! I do it to protect you...all of you!”

The expression that flashed across Knox’s face was one I would never forget. It would be ingrained in my memory for all my time on this earth. He was hurting because of me, me and the perpetual hell that was my life, which is why I lived the way I did.

Alone.

A life of solidarity was not one easily lived though, and if I were truly being honest, I wasn't living at all. I justwas.Idle. Forever on autopilot. But you see, then I met Knox, and somehow he managed to break through the deep-rooted barriers I’d so firmly set in place and he set my soul aflame.

I knew better than to let him in, but I couldn’t seem to let him go and as a result, my selfishness marked him. Just knowing me put him at risk and I knew it would only be a matter of time before he was ripped away from me too.

What else was I to expect whenthose so closely around me always died?

“I knew it was too good to be true, that I’d actually made it through these last few years with Bernie, Jason, and Emmanuel by my side. If this is the start of another cycle, Knox, then who's next? Jason, Reyna,you?”I sobbed, dropping my face into my hands.

I didn't even want to think about that. I couldn't. Imagining Knox a cold, lifeless body in a casket churned my stomach in such a way I thought I would spew my guts out, and then my heart along with it.

It was crippling.

“What do you mean another cycle?” He questioned.

Minutes had passed before I dropped my hands and peeked up at him through watery eyes. “It all started with Tori…” I said, my voice trembling in fear.

“It all started with Tori.” She said after several minutes. “We were best friends before birth, grew up down the street from one other, went to all the same schools, did extracurriculars together. Basically, she was the sister I never had. Anyway, during Spring Break of our junior year, word spread quickly about some massive party hosted by one of the seniors and Tori was adamant on going. Between the two of us, she was the party girl. Me, I didn't much care for them, which of course led her to beg me the entire week until finally I caved and agreed to tag along. The day before the party, my dad surprised my mom with an impromptu trip to the Smokey’s for their anniversary. They didn't question their decision to leave me alone for the weekend because for one, they trusted me not to do anything stupid, and two, Tori’s parents were down the street in the event of an emergency. What they didn’t know was that I’d been seeing this new guy. I hadn’t gotten around to telling them mostly because I knew they wouldn’t approve. He was a few years older, obviously out of high school, and questions would arise as to how we met. I didn’t think anything serious would come of us anyway, so I figured I’d keep it under wraps. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them, right? Well, I hadn’t seen much of him during the two weeks before Spring Break due to cramming for midterms, so when the opportunity to spend some uninterrupted time together was handed to me on a silver platter, I snatched it up without a second thought and told him to come over whenever he got out of work, regardless of my previous plans with Tori. He arrived shortly after 7 and the endless phone calls began sometime around 8, none of which I answered of course. Once Tori gave up, it turned out to be a nice, quiet evening in. I should have felt badly for cutting our plans loose without warning but I knew that once I filled her in on the details of my evening, she’d forget all about my ditching her and skipping out the party.”

Hazel stopped suddenly, wringing her fingers in her lap. I could see the moisture building in her eyes anew and if it were even possible, she seemed to be all the more nervous than when she’d begun divulging the story.

“So what did she say when you finally told her?” I asked, urging her to continue.

“I never got to tell her.” Her voice cracked.

“Why not?”

“Because she died, Knox. She died at that fucking party! Apparently there were various drugs being passed around and she took some. Tie that in with all the alcohol at her disposal and it was a lethal concoction buzzing her through system. The last anyone saw of her was when she disappeared upstairs with one of the upperclassmen. All the rooms must have been locked or occupied because they ended up in the attic where things got hot and heavy. Her body went into shock from overheating. By the time the medics arrived, she’d been dead for quite a while.”

Jesus Christ.

My mouth popped open in shock and Hazel nodded, tears spilling over her reddened cheeks. “It was my fault.” She whispered.

“How was that your fault? You didn’t hand Tori the drugs. She took them willingly.” I said, more harshly than I intended. The fact that she was throwing the blame on herself over something that was so clearly out of her control flared my anger in an instant.

“Because I ditched her and for a guy nonetheless! If I would’ve just gone with her to the stupid party as originally planned, I never would have let her touch the damn drugs. Never! She could have been here today. Alive, thriving!Myselfishness lead her to death. Her blood will forever be on my hands!” She sobbed, folding over to her knees.

I scooted toward her and scooped her up in my arms. “Tori’s death is not your fault, Hazel. I'll say it a million times if I have to. Is this what has you so intent on keeping me away?”

She nodded against my chest.

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” I tried to be gentle, really I did, but I was enraged, baffled even. What did Tori’s death have to do with her and I?

Hazel picked her head up, her lip quivering. “It’s not just Tori, Knox.”

I held her tormented stare. “Then what else is it?”

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