Page 70 of Saving Shepperd

“You know, our brains are incredible things. Not only do they get us through the day-to-day crap, but they protect us from the life-changing bad stuff too. And then it seems like a little button is pushed inside. For some reason, our brains think we’re ready to deal with a bit of the truth. For me, that looks like a flashback or a nightmare.” She repositioned the baby to her shoulder to coax out a burp or two.

“I understand exactly what you’re saying. But it’s a different type of nightmare than others. It feels so real. I can smell things, hear things in the background, and on the really shitty occasion, I feel pain or other sensations as if it’s happening in real time.”

“It’s called PTSD, Shepperd. I’m sure you’ve heard that term before, right?”

I nodded. The conversation with Law flashed through my mind. “Law just said after the party that he wants to help me deal with my PTSD.”

“And what did you say?”

“Well, of course my go-to reaction was anger. But I had a bad feeling he was right.” I thought about him and the past day or two and couldn’t stop the burning sensation behind my eyes and up my throat. I gulped as much down that would move and said, “I’m so scared. If I don’t get my shit together, I’m at serious risk of losing him.”

Now the tears clouding my vision were actually welcomed because I couldn’t bear to see the pity in her expression.

But surprisingly, that’s not what I got in return.

“You’re in love…” she said with a gentle smile. It wasn’t a question—and she wasn’t wrong.

“Yeah, it’s certainly looking that way,” I said with a healthy amount of resignation.

“Why do you sound sad about it?”

I gave her the side eye. “Because, if I’m being completely honest, it scares the shit out of me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I have a knack for fucking things up.”

“You’re not going to fuck it up, Shep. Just be honest with him and communicate. Always communicate.”

“Are these words of experience?” I teased, wanting desperately to lighten the air.

“Absolutely. Believe me, I wasted a lot of time running from my feelings for Elijah. Because I was scared too. Not of fucking things up but of getting hurt. So I pushed him away.Severaltimes,” she said with a roll of her blue eyes.

“What made you finally see the light?”

“Well, he did, for the most part. He’s a stubborn man when he wants something.” She laughed, and the love for her husband was oozing from her pores. It would actually be sickening if I hadn’t been feeling the exact same way about Law. And damn, did it feel good to have someone to share it with.

But we still had a lot of shitty ground to cover if I was going to have any hope of feeling put together from a mental health standpoint.

“Let me go lay her down. Be right back.” Hannah stood with the baby carefully nestled against her chest.

“Can I see her room?” I asked, also standing.

“I would love that,” she said, and we padded off toward the nursery.

While my precious niece slept in her crib, my sister and I sat on the floor of her nursery and talked. And then we talked some more.

I finally felt comfortable enough to ask her what she remembered about the school custodian from our elementary school. At first, I worried I had brought up a new trauma for her to deal with by the ashen color of her face.

“What do you mean? What doyouremember?” she asked, not giving anything away about her memories of those years.

So I just let it out. “He molested me in his workshop or whatever the hell it was.”

She gasped. “Oh, Shepperd, no.”

“He did it to you too, didn’t he?” I whispered as though speaking it aloud so close to her innocent child would tarnish her perfection.

She was quiet at first, and when I finally met her gaze, tears were running down both cheeks as she nodded. “Shep, I had no idea.” She scooted closer to me on the floor to take my hands in hers.

“Why would you? I never told anyone. Law was the second person I ever told. And hell, that was only about a month ago. I’ve been carrying that shit around with me for what? Fifteen years?”

We were both crying then.

---