Page 71 of Saving Shepperd

“The first person?” she asked.

I shouldn’t have been surprised that she caught that fact in all that I had said.

“Yeah.” I nodded. This next part was really going to suck. But it needed to be addressed.

“Who else did you tell? If it’s too much to share…”

“I told Mom.”

Hannah put her hands on her cheeks. “What did she do?”

I just made a face, because of all the shit I had to deal with from my childhood, this one fact was the absolute most painful.

“What did she do, Shepperd?” she asked again.

I just shook my head.

I couldn’t say it out loud. Even though it was the truth, admitting it seemed as painful as the betrayal of our mother doing nothing.

“But why?” Hannah asked, and I prayed I wasn’t about to undo any sort of progress we made today in mending our relationship. “Why wouldn’t she do anything? It doesn’t make sense.”

I couldn’t tell if she realized what the reason might be or if it was me just thinking wishfully. Her entire face fell when the truth became clear to her.

She was the reason.

I wanted to explain as much as I understood. The details were sketchy for a few reasons. One, I was young. Maybe eight or nine years old when I told our mother. Secondly, Hannah was very dramatic as a child. After the abduction attempt, she was hysterical all the time. Everyone in the family bent over backward to keep her content. And lastly, denial was a funny thing. It distorted reality, and over time, the blame I placed on her grew to such an overwhelming monster, I lost sight of what truly happened that made me feel so resentful toward her.

Now, when I thought about it, I knew it wasn’t fair to blame her, but throughout the years, I needed a place to focus all those bad feelings.

“Because of me?” she croaked. Damn it, why was she pushing me to put it into words?

“I don’t really remember what happened, or why.” I waved my hand in the air like shooing away a pesky fly. “Or whatever.”

“But it had something to do with me. That’s why you’ve been so angry toward me for so long?” she asked, but she didn’t need me to confirm it.

She was a smart girl, and I laid all the pieces of the puzzle in front of her to fit together.

“My God, Shepperd,” she gasped. “I’m so sorry,” she said through fresh tears.

“Hannah, stop. You were a child. And dealing with so much of your own shit.” She shook her head, not hearing any of my excuses. “Seriously, I was wrong to blame you.”

“I’m so sorry,” she said again.

“Mom and Dad dropped the ball.Theydid. They were the adults in the scenario. Not you. Not me. I realize they had a lot on their plates with the abduction attempt, but they screwed up by not remembering they had four other children that needed them just as much.”

I believed what I was saying even if it didn’t make me feel any better to actually say it.

For a long time, we sat in the quiet nursery. Both of us so deep in thought we didn’t need the additional noise of conversation.

“I’m really glad you came over today,” my sister said. “This conversation was long overdue. Let’s go out to the kitchen. I need some water. Nursing dries me out more than exercise, I swear.”

I followed her through the enormous house to the kitchen.

After looking around the room, I said, “You must be in heaven in this kitchen.”

“Well, I was before that little queen arrived. Now all I do is feed her and sleep. I couldn’t tell you the last time I cooked dinner.”

I didn’t have a lot to add to the conversation, so I just nodded.

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