Page 76 of Protecting Bianca

“For what? The last week?” asked Jake.

“For the last two years.”

“What?!” Jake and Christian asked together, but Will just watched me.

“How many hours do you get a night?”

“Three, maybe.”

“How the fuck are you functioning?”

I shrugged. “I take vitamins and drink lots of coffee. But it’s been difficult.”

“Have you tried talking to a doctor?” asked Christian.

“I tried talking to one, but it hasn’t helped.”

Christian nodded.

“I didn’t sleep for the first two months after we got back.”

I whipped my head around. “You didn’t. How come?”

“Because of Jordan.”

We all collectively bowed our heads at the same time. We lost our brother Jordan in that raid that went wrong. Christian was there, too. We all were. I just never knew it had bothered him like that, too.

“How did you get over it?”

“I didn’t.”

My heart sank.

“But every day I learned to deal with it. Come to grips that there was nothing more we could have done.”

My throat tightened as Christian’s words echoed my therapist’s, but coming from him, they felt deeper. He had been there. He knew how hard it was walking away. He lived with the same guilt as I did.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to deal with it.”

Everyone was silent, our heads still bowed. I was glad no one could see the tears welling up in my eyes.

Will spoke then. “What we went through was horrible, and I won’t diminish any moment of it, but I’ll tell you something I’ve learned from the women at the shelter. Even if you’ve lived the worst day of your life, you know you made it, and you’ve come through to the other side. You owe it to yourself, and to those around you to live every day of your life as though you deserve it. Jordan was a friend and a soldier. He knew the risks, as we all did. He wouldn’t want you to hold yourself back from living. You’re here. You made it through that horrible time. You owe it to yourself and him to not waste any more time thinking about what you could have done and start living your life.”

The tears fell this time, and I didn’t stop them. “I have been holding onto guilt. Guilt that I had survived. Guilt that I could have done more. Guilt that I wasn’t worthy enough—why did I make it and not him?” I dropped my head into my hands and covered my face.

Christian put his arm over my shoulder. “You’re not alone, brother.”

“And you’re not less worthy than Jordan. You have people that care about you. There’s still a path for you, although you may not know what it is yet. Your journey isn’t over.”

I thought of Bianca. Was I meant to be here for her? Was she the reason I was spared? I wasn’t sure, but my heart sped up at the possibility.

Will put his arm around me, too, and Jake leaned over and placed his hand over my arm. Their touch moved me, and my face shook in my hands from the emotion. “Fuck,” I cried.

“It’s all right. We’ve all been there,” said Will, soothingly. “I can’t believe you’ve held this in for so long.”

My body shook uncontrollably, and I would have fallen over if my brothers hadn’t been there to hold me up. My therapist had tried to get me to talk about my feelings, but I only gave up the facts. Never the emotion. Never the guilt.

But sitting in this room, surrounded by men who had experienced and seen what I saw, knew what it took to live each day with those memories, and having their support—well, it overwhelmed me.

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