Page 39 of Protecting Bianca

Blood drained from my face, and it felt as though the room was spinning. I had expected to see her across the room, but I wasn’t expecting to be seated at the same table. “Oh, God,” I whispered into my hands.

As though someone had put a ticking bomb in my chest, the sound became deafening, drowning out the crowd around us. The room was dark, and I had no idea where she was. There was so much noise and confusion that I was overwhelmed with this feeling of being ambushed at any moment.

Oh God. I can’t do this.

I sucked in a breath, but it felt as though a heavy weight stood on my lungs and I couldn’t fill them. Nausea set in as the room spun.

Everyone stared at me. Lizzie with pity in her eyes and River with anger.

Jager leaned over and whispered, “Do you want to leave?”

Yes! Damnit. I want to get the hell out of here. Go somewhere I can breathe.

But a tiny voice inside of my head said no. It was much softer than the panicky one screaming at me. But for some reason, I believed it. I couldn’t speak, I only shook my head and Jager nodded.

I didn’t stand to get food. I barely moved a muscle, simply staring out into the sea of people, and trying so desperately to keep myself together as I knew I was close to falling apart.

My vision blurred, and I looked up to dry my eyes. When I turned, I saw my little sister and the woman whose face I couldn’t bring myself to conjure up even in my dreams. She was always faceless in them, but her words were real and biting. I felt her energy as she approached the table. She fixed her face quickly and smiled at River.

“Looks like you wasted no time filling up your plate,” she said teasingly.

The sound of her voice was like a vise over my heart, tightening and threatening to break it all over again. “I love that dress, Lizzie.”

“Yes, it’s very nice,” said Lisa.

“Thank you,” said Lizzie and glanced quickly in my direction before focusing on her food again.

I’d been yelled at by my mother countless times, mocked, and scorned. But it never hurt as much as her silent treatment.

“Hello, Lisa. Hello, Mother,” I said, my voice cracking through my tight throat.

“Hi,” Lisa said, but didn’t look at me. My mother pretended she didn’t hear me and asked Lisa to pass her the salt.

Jager straightened in his seat, his body turned in their direction. I knew he was about to say something to them, but I didn’t want him to get involved. It wasn’t his place.

I slid my hand over his thigh and the muscle tensed. Dropping his head, he stared at my fingers before closing his eyes.

Two more guests joined our table, and the conversation picked up. If not freely, at least it wasn’t silent. I, however, didn’t say a word. I knew every word out of my mouth would be measured and judged. I also didn’t want her to know anything about who I was now. When River wanted to try and mend the rift between us, I made him swear never to speak of me with her because if my mother wanted to know anything about me and my life, she would have to learn it from me and not hear it from anyone else. She didn’t get to know me without acknowledging me and my feelings.

Sure, she apologized, but it was empty. It was thrown at me like a chewed-up bone. And I couldn’t understand why after months of this apology, I still couldn’t get over her pushing meout. Then, one day during one of our arguments, she said, ‘Of course I don’t regret anything. I did it for your own good.’ She wasn’t sorry for how she treated me. She didn’t care how much her words and actions hurt me. She said it so that I could get over it and she could get back to who she wanted to be. The apology had nothing to do with me. It was for everyone else, so she could say she had apologized, and I was the unforgiving one.

“Would you like some parmesan?” the server asked. I blinked. I hadn’t realized they’d served the first course. I’d heard the MC introduce the newly married couple, and I’d clapped along with everyone else, but I’d done it all without acknowledging what was happening around me.

Jager grabbed my hand and pulled me closer to him. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

“But we haven’t gotten our mains.”

He turned his chair to face me. “Are you going to eat anything tonight?”

I stared at the pile of penne in front of me, and my stomach flipped. I shook my head.

“That’s what I thought. You don’t have to do this to yourself.”

He uncurled my fist, which I hadn’t even realized was curled on my lap in the first place. I stared at my brother and his jaw ticked, but he didn’t say anything. When my mother and I had our falling out, I’d told him he didn’t have to choose between his mother and his sister, so his silence shouldn’t have hurt me. It was hypocritical of me, but it hurt all the same.

“Just say the word, and we’ll leave.”

I looked up at Amy sitting with her groom at the head table. They were lost in each other’s every word. My brother and Lizzie had hardly said a word during the meal, and I had only my mother’s fake laugh ringing in my ears when I realized, what the fuck was I doing sitting here?

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