Page 33 of Feint

“Sorry, what?” The man who was obviously not AJ took out an earbud to hear what I’d said, looking at me with his head tilted.

I threw on a fake smile, my words coming out fast. “Sorry! I totally thought you were someone else! My bad!”

He smiled a confused smile, and I patted his back quickly like a moron.

“Keep up the good work, though!” And I walked quickly to the entrance of the gym and stopped, looking out at the beach.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Of course it wasn’t AJ. He left, remember? Pull yourself together, girl! Kordell will be back at any moment.

But then I felt my cheek get damp, and I rubbed the small tear off of my cheek and looked at it.

“Oh, no! Don’t cry!” I whispered to myself, quickly walking over to some water fountains nearby that had a little overhang around them.

No, no, no! Not now! I can’t… I can’t breathe!

I gripped the sink edge and looked at my face in the mirror, which had a crack in it. My face was full of worry, and the tears filling my eyes made my vision blurry.

It just wasn’t fair! Every single time I thought I was moving on from AJ, finally going to be able to focus on Kordell and on making our relationship the best one ever, something happened that reminded me of him!

Why won’t you let me move on?! You left me! Why do I always think you’re going to come back?! Is it because I still think you didn’t leave for why you said you were? Is it because what we had was so dang real and perfect that life without you just doesn’t make sense to me? What was it?!

I rubbed my eyes, ruining parts of my makeup I had worked so hard on. I tried to fix it the best I could, but I needed to stop crying. I gathered myself as much as I could and then looked around the corner to see if Kordell was out there. He wasn’t. Good. There must be a line at the ice cream place. I walked over to sit under the shade of a concrete wall that overlooked the gym. I slid down the wall and tried to calm down fully.

But as I sat there, my mind couldn’t stop wandering back to AJ.

I remembered how his fingers had felt, wrapped around my skin, the taste of his lips, the sight of his beautiful eyes staring back at me. The smell of his cologne filled my nostrils, mixing with the musk of his workouts. I sat there, soaking in the words he used to say to me, hearing his voice in my head as if it were yesterday when he left me, not almost a year ago.

How would my life look today if he had stayed? Would he have moved fully into my place? Or would he still be traveling between his motel room and my house? How many dates would we have had in his lowrider? How many fight nights would he have brought me to by now? How many times would we have had sex where he made the entire world around us melt away?

I felt like my life was just one big feint maneuver after another. I had been so sure of how my life was going to look and go with AJ in it. Then, when I least expected it, it completely changed directions without warning. I had given him my entire world, and in an instant, he took it all away. He had taken away some of the joy from things I’d had even before I knew him. And it seemed like no matter what other happiness I had walking into my life, my heart and mind kept circling back to AJ. Even if I really was trying to move on.

I pulled out my phone and went to his contact. I opened up a text message and started typing.

Rosalie

AJ, tell me why! Tell me why you really left. Please? Because you need to tell me how I’m supposed to move on with my life without you, AJ, when you are the one who highlighted so much of what I loved in life. How am I supposed to go on without you like you never existed? I don’t think I can. I don’t want to fall asleep, thinking about your arms pulling me close anymore! If you aren’t actually here, why won’t your memory let me move on? I want to! I don’t want to keep sitting here, wishing you would walk into the custom shop every moment of the day I’m there. So, if you really love me, then tell me you miss me as much as I miss you. Because I'm done if you don’t. I’m going to move on and leave you behind. Because I can’t keep waiting for you.

I hit Send before I could chicken out. There was pretty much zero chance he would read it because he had blocked me. But I’ll admit that sitting there, looking at that text, all of my unspoken thoughts poured out, helped me to calm down.

I wiped my face as my thoughts started to flow better. Yeah, I was hung up on AJ. Maybe it was because I kept trying to deny it that it was still a thing I kept having pop up, throwing me off. But at this point, I did have genuine feelings for Kordell. I might be even beginning to really fall in love with him. So, I’d keep pushing forward and keep putting my focus on him versus AJ. That text was the closure I’d needed to send. All of those things had been on my mind for months, and now that they were off my chest, somewhere in the world, it was like a huge weight had been lifted from my body.

I stood up and tucked my phone back into my pocket. Dusting off my butt, I walked back over to those mirrors and did a quick face check. Fixing my makeup as best I could. I gave my cheeks a little slap, slap.

"You will be fine, girl. Now, go out and get your ice cream before it melts!" I pep-talked to myself.

I turned to go back to the ice cream shop’s benches. Sitting down, I took a deep breath and forced a smile back on my face.

I wasn’t going to let the memories of a ghost relationship put a rain cloud on my date day.

CHAPTER 15

KORDELL

I was fucking pissed.

I had been standing in the line to get her ice cream when I watched her run up to the back of a man who put some weights down on the rack at the gym. My eyes locked on to her actions. She reached out and grabbed the back of his hoodie, her face red and anxious-looking as she basically shouted a name—AJ. But whoever the fuck AJ was, it wasn’t this guy, judging by the way her face looked when he turned toward her. And fuck if it didn’t instantly piss me off when I saw how she looked. It looked like her had heart broken, and I could see she was on the brink of tears.

I finished watching their encounter, and after the man ducked away, I kept staring at my girl. She wiped the tears from her face quickly. But then she ran over to the sinks, rubbing her eyes harder as she went out of my sight.

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