Page 82 of Gratification in Gluttony

Toni shook his head.

“You sure?”

Toni nodded.

“Okay.”

Jude’s fingers resumed their ministrations, sifting through Toni’s hair, causing indigo strands to fall over his brow. He closed his eyes and indulged in Jude’s touches and heartbeat. It reminded him of curling up against his mother as she read her fashion magazines or talked with her friends on the phone.

While Toni’s father had never been an affectionate man, his mother had offered love and affection in spades. Sure, it usually came with strings attached and expectations in return. He and his siblings had been held responsible for her moods, for keeping her stable. But at least she’d held him as a child. That had to count for something.

The most his father had offered was a handshake or a clap on the shoulder when Toni did something worth being proud of. He’d been softer with Toni’s sisters—not by much, but still—and Toni had envied them. Maybe that was why Toni had been into all the “girly shit.” In some attempt at earning a softer side to his father’s love.

“What are you thinking about?” Jude asked, and Toni cringed.

A part of him wanted to lie, but he didn’t in the end. “Uh, my father, I guess. And how he loved my sisters differently. So when I was little, I thought maybe he’d love me that way too, if I was more like them.”

Jude hummed, scratching at his scalp. “What do you mean, ‘more like them’?”

Heat crawled up Toni’s neck and settled in his cheeks. “So, um, I thought maybe my dad would be gentler with me, like he was with my sisters, if I was soft like they were. So I was kinda girly as a kid. Like, I learned how to do my sisters’ hair, and they taught me shades of color, like vermilion and chartreuse—most guys think chartreuse is a kind of dessert. And I dressed up in my sister’s dresses and wore my ma’s high heels.”

“Lots of kids do that, you know? Dress up in their mom’s clothes, regardless of gender,” Jude said.

“I guess. I also used to sneak into my parents’ room and put on Ma’s makeup,” Toni admitted, cheeks burning now.

Jude hummed. “Also, not that strange. Kids are curious and experimental about all sorts of things.”

“Maybe. Pa caught me once. Boy, was he pissed. That was the only time he laid hands on me. Well, not hands,” Toni corrected, swallowing thickly. “He used his belt. Said I must have pussies in my pants instead of dicks. Needless to say, Toni did not put on makeup no more.”

“Jesus, Toni,” Jude said, sounding inexplicably sad.

Lifting off Jude’s chest, Toni smiled. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m good. I mean, I’ve had lots of therapy, so I know it was his problem, not mine.”

“Still.” Jude cupped Toni’s face, thumbs rubbing. “You should have been able to express yourself however you wanted, without fear of him beating you.”

Toni blew a raspberry. “He didn’t beat me. He just knocked me around a little. It ain’t all bad. It toughened me up at least.”

“Kids don’t need to be tough,” Jude said coolly. “Kids need to be kids.”

Not wanting to cry again—because, seriously, what a beautiful sentiment—Toni fought the burn in his eyes as he nodded. “Yeah, I know. But I turned out okay; that’s all I meant.”

“You turned out amazing, but that says more about you than it does about him,” Jude said firmly, tugging Toni down until he could press a kiss between his eyes. “Why did Little Toni want to wear makeup?”

Dragging his nose down Jude’s neck, Toni shrugged. “I dunno. Everyone else wore it. My sisters. My mother. And they always looked so pretty. I guess”—Toni released a shaky exhale—“I guess I wanted to be pretty too. Ain’t that crazy?”

Jude forced Toni’s head up and frowned up at him. “That’s not crazy. You can be pretty if you want.”

At that, Toni laughed. “I ain’t like Gem. I can’t pull offpretty.” He bared his jagged teeth. “I’m too scary.”

Instead of laughing with him, Jude frowned deeper. “It’s not about pulling off anything. If you want to feel pretty, then do what makes you feel pretty.”

“I don’t need to feel pretty,” Toni said, an odd defensiveness rising in his chest. “I think you’re making this deeper than it needs to be. I was, like, eight.”

“Still,” Jude said, studying Toni’s face in a way that had the Elas swallowing thickly. “I have an idea. Stay here.”

Much to Toni’s dismay, Jude rolled out of his arms and stood, straightening his shirt which had ridden up to give Toni a nice view of his plump ass in his sweats. “Where you going? Get that cute ass back here.”

“I’m coming back,” Jude promised as he opened his bedroom door. “Just give me a second.”

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