Page 83 of Gratification in Gluttony

Pouting like a child, Toni sat up and crossed his legs under him, propping his chin on his hand. Jude wasn’t gone long. He slipped back into the room, arms full. He used his foot to kick his door shut, then set the array of items in his arms on the top of the dresser.

As he sorted through them, Toni frowned. “What’s all that shit?”

Instead of answering, Jude held out several different colored nail polishes. “Pick one.”

“What?”

Jude rolled his eyes and waved the nail polish in Toni’s direction. “Pick one.”

An odd fear slithered through his veins as Toni pointed at the shiny, red one, his finger trembling slightly. “That one.”

Jude set the other bottles on the dresser beside what Toni realized was makeup supplies. The human crawled back onto thebed, copying Toni’s position with his legs crossed. Then he held out his hand expectantly, expression soft and inviting.

Toni knew what Jude wanted; he didn’t need him to say it. For reasons Toni knew his therapist would love to dissect, it took him a long time to lift his hand and place it in Jude’s. But when he finally did, Jude smiled beautifully and gave it a squeeze.

Wordlessly, Jude unscrewed the bottle of polish, nestling the glass between his foot and his leg to keep it steady. Then he dipped the brush in the pretty, deep red, scraping the excess, before bringing it to Toni’s gray nails. The first streak of red had Toni’s breath hitching. In response, Jude paused, eyes lifting to Toni’s as he waited.

Another hollow breath, and Toni nodded. Gaze dropping back to his task, Jude covered the nail of Toni’s index finger. Then he pursed his lips and blew gently to dry the polish. The moment it was dry enough, Jude released him, and Toni angled his hand to watch the lamplight play across the shiny color.

“It’s pretty,” he said, voice rough.

“Yeah,” Jude said, eyes locked on Toni’s face. “Wanna keep going?”

“Okay,” Toni said, offering his hand, and Jude took it.

In silence, they sat on Jude’s bed as he painted Toni’s nails until all ten were crimson sparkles. But he didn’t stop there. He unrolled Toni’s socks, smiling grandly when he discovered the fragile, almost frilly, webbing between his toes. Then he painted them too, blowing them dry as Toni struggled not to weep like a baby.

Still unspeaking, Jude returned the polish to the dresser, then guided Toni to sit at the end of the bed, patting the inside of his knees until they parted so the human could stand between them. Retrieving a palette of eyeshadow, he twirled a thin brush between his fingers as he inspected the color options.

“Close your eyes,” he said, the first words spoken between them since they’d embarked on this terrifying journey together. When Toni couldn’t obey, Jude leaned down to kiss him so fleetingly Toni questioned whether it had happened at all.

“Do you trust me?” Jude breathed against Toni’s lips, and because Toni could do nothing else, he nodded. The human smiled. “Then close your eyes.”

Toni closed his eyes.

The brush was soft, but he still flinched, hands framing the outside of Jude’s thighs, grip tight. Jude was achingly gentle as he dusted Toni’s lids with eyeshadow. Time lost meaning as Toni focused on each breath in, smelling the sharp solvents from the nail polish, Jude’s sandalwood and bergamot, and the dry, powdery scent of makeup that was both nostalgic and painful at the same time.

“Wipe that shit off your face. You trying to be a lady or something?”Marlyn Maryno had said once to a little boy who’d just wanted to be pretty like his mother.

And the words hurt. They’d cut deeper than Toni had ever thought possible, and they’d festered for a long time. The wound was mostly scarred over now, but the ache remained. Somehow, Jude swiping liquid eyeliner across Toni’s upper lids soothed it. It didn’t erase it; that wasn’t how healing worked. But it helped, like a cool balm on a sunburn.

By the time Jude instructed Toni to open his eyes, his hands were digging into Jude’s thighs so hard he feared he was hurting the other man. But Jude didn’t complain. He smiled so beautifully down at Toni as he carefully brushed his lashes with a mascara wand.

When he set the final article of makeup aside, Jude pinched Toni’s chin and directed his face one way, then the other, inspecting his work. Then he beamed at Toni like the Elas had hung the fucking moon.

“Would you look at that,” he said fondly. “Wanna see?”

Honestly, Toni had never been more terrified in his life, but he didn’t want to sack out, so he nodded. Jude opened the compact mirror and angled it so Toni could see his reflection. He didn’t recognize himself at first, eyes too big, lids painted light green, lashes thick and long.

Wrong,his brain said. He looked all wrong. His jaw was too square, lips too thin, brows too unruly. His black eyes and sharp teeth were too fierce for such soft art.

“No son of mine’s gonna walk around looking like a vlier,”Marlyn Maryno had said once to a little boy who had only wanted his father’s love.

But fuck Marlyn Maryno.

Toni wasn’t that little boy no more, not really, but he saw him in that reflection. A fleeting ghost of a child smearing red dye over his lips to make them full, like he’d watched his mother do a thousand times. A kid who brushed his sister’s hair, marveling at how glossy it was as he sifted his fingers through the soft strands.

Toni had always liked beautiful things; he just never believed he’d be one of them.

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