Page 81 of Gratification in Gluttony

“You don’t know him,” Toni said.

Carefully,carefully, Gem said, “Do you?”

And fuck, that hurt too.

So Toni opened his mouth to say that, yes, he did know Jude. Maybe it was still new and uncertain, but Toni knew him, okay? And he knew Toni. Jude knew what it was like to choose his own sanity and peace over parents that should have loved him. He knew what it was like to want more out of life than what family or society allowed.

Jude knew in a way Gem never could. Because Gem had a father who loved him unconditionally. He had a mother who called him every weekend, “just to check in.” He had a family who supported him and accepted him in a way Toni never had! So how could Gem ever understand the way Jude could?

Toni opened his mouth to say that he knew Gem was trying to help, that he knew Gem just wanted the best for him. That even now, amidst the anger and defensiveness, Toniknewthat Gem was trying to protect him.

He opened his mouth to say all those things, but his godsdamned temper was in the driver’s seat, and what came out instead was a cold and cruel, “Fuck you, Gemae.”

As the words shattered between them, Gem went utterly still, six arms dropping to his sides, oil-spill eyes welling with tears. One blink, and they dripped down his cheeks, but he made no move to swipe them away. It was eerie, because Gem was always moving, always talking, alwaysdoingsomething.

But he just stood there, staring at Toni like he’d slapped him.

Then slowly, ever so slowly, Gem nodded and sniffed. Then he said, “No, Toni, fuck you.”

The words were quiet and sad, but they blasted Toni in the chest like a buckshot. “You know what? I don’t need this,” he said, waving his hands like he could bat away the painful words flying between them. “I’m outta here.”

“Fine!” Gem cried, voice breaking on a sob. “Just go then.”

So Toni went. He yanked the door open so hard the hinges squeaked, and when he slammed it shut behind him, the walls of Gem’s flat trembled. Gem’s heart-wrenching, deep-chested sobs chased Toni all the way to the lift, and in an attempt to escape them, he abandoned the elevator entirely and took the stairs.

When he burst out onto the street, he panted for air, but even with all four lungs heaving, he wasn’t getting enough oxygen. His chest felt tight, and his heart was pounding behind his chest plate. And he couldn’t fucking breathe.

With eyes burning, he stormed toward Lust station, but when he got there, he didn’t jump on a train to Gluttony. No, he rode one to Purgatory. Then further, through the veil.

Before he fully understood what he was doing, he found himself in a human city that was far too loud. It smelled like car exhaust and human sweat, and it made Toni choke. Or maybe that was the tears. It was hard to tell.

Then he was standing in front of a familiar door, an unfamiliar man on the other side. And Toni said, “Is Jude here? I need to talk to him. I know he’s busy, but it’s important.”

The guy said, “One sec.” Then he walked away, leaving the door ajar, and Toni heard him say, “Hey, uh, Jude? There’s a demon at the door. I don’t think he’s doing okay.”

“What?” Jude’s footsteps approached, rushed with alarm, and Toni sighed in relief when he heard the now-comfortingth-thump, th-thumpof Jude’s heart. “Toni?”

And there he was, dressed in gray sweatpants and a thin t-shirt advertising some band Toni had never heard of. His curls werewet, like he’d recently showered, and the scent of his shampoo was so strong Toni felt drunk off the stuff.

“Hey,” Toni croaked. “I know it ain’t Sunday. I’m sorry.”

“What’s wrong?” Jude’s hands cupped Toni’s face, gaze searching his for answers. “What happened?”

“Gem and I got in a fight,” he said, throat burning. “And now I think I might start crying. Which, full disclosure, I’m an ugly-ass crier. So, sorry in advance for that.”

Jude smiled sadly, thumbs brushing over Toni’s cheeks. “That’s okay. I can take ugly tears.”

And as Jude pulled him into a hug, Toni ducked his face into the human’s neck and cracked right down the middle.

Chapter nineteen

Ain’t That Crazy

Toni did cry, andit was ugly. But Jude weathered it like a champ. He led the sniffling Elas through the loft and into his bedroom. Then he climbed onto his bed, dragging Toni with him. On his back, Jude guided Toni to curl up beside him, head on his chest where Toni could listen to his heart-song up close.

As tears dripped off his nose to soak the human’s shirt, Toni drew formless designs on Jude’s belly over the fabric. Deep-seated shame at his tears, born from his childhood, tried to wriggle into the space between them, but Toni wouldn’t let it. He’d spent enough years ashamed of the things his father deemed weak; he wouldn’t waste more.

When the tears dried and Toni’s breathing evened, Jude’s fingers paused in Toni’s hair. “Wanna talk about it?”

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