Page 119 of All Our Ghosts

“I mean… a few weeks.” I look up at her. My head is still foggy and now pounding harder than before.

“Protected?”

“Blake!” I groan, trying to get up off the floor. Blake wraps a hand around my arm and helps me up.

“I’m serious, Kade. What if you’re pregnant?” Blake says in a hushed whisper as if anyone else could hear us.

I look at Blake.

“I’m not pregnant. I can’t be.” I shake my head, denial setting in. There’s no way I can be pregnant. Holden and I haven’t been together that long and with everything that’s happened before I’m not even sure if I can have kids again, let alone want them.

Blake’s brows furrow but she doesn’t say anything.

“I’m not,” I say again. But what if I am? Blake’s right, we haven’t been using protection and lately, have been extremely reckless with our sex life. “Fuck. I can’t be pregnant Blake. I can’t.” It feels like my heart is beating out of my chest as the realization hits me.

“Okay,” Blake breathes. “It’s going to be okay. We don’t know for sure if you are.”

“What if I am though?” I ask. “What if…” I know Holden loves me and I love him but our relationship is just starting, our life together is just starting. How the hell are we going to survive if a baby gets thrown into the mix and into the shit that’s still unresolved?

“Hey.” Blake cups her hands around my cheeks, holding my face. “No matter what happens, you will be okay. You and Holdenwillbe okay.”

My face crumples as I stare at my friend. “What do I do?” I ask in a soft broken whisper.

“We’ll get a test and find out. Then we can freak out together.” She flashes me a warm smile. “And try something other than burgers for you to eat because he willkillme if he finds out you’re pregnant and I didn’t force feed you.”

“That’s not funny,” I say with a ghost of a smile. “He loves you too much to kill you.”

“Yeah, but he loves you a hell of a lot more and I know for a fact that if you are pregnant, he’ll love the shit out of that kid.”

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. Deep down I know that. Holden is a great man with a fucked up past, but I know we’re one and the same.

“No,” Blake says suddenly. “Don’t you start crying because if you start, I’m going to start.” Her eyes gloss over with tears as we look at each other. I bite my bottom lip. “Stop it, Andrews!” Blake whines, letting me go. “I’m going to run to theclubhouse, the girl’s room has to have a pregnancy test in there somewhere.”

“Oh God.” I turn and leave the bathroom, falling onto the bed.

Blake follows me, slipping into her shoes. “I’ll be back.”

I groan, covering my face. “Okay.”

The door to the apartment closes and another groan leaves me. The nausea I had ten minutes ago has moved aside in my stomach to make way for a pit of anxiety. Even as I wonder what life with Holden would be like I can’t help but think back to the first time I got pregnant. When I found out I was terrified. Jeremy wasn’t happy at first but the minute he figured out it was just another way to control me, his tune changed. In all honesty, I wasn’t happy either until the flutters and the first ultrasound.

I had gone to that ultrasound alone. I wanted one thing for myself. One memory that wasn’t tainted by the man who haunted my home.

An image of Holden looming over my shoulder while he tries to figure out what the images on the ultrasound screen are flashes in my mind. A huge grin spread over his face and his hand tangled in mine as we anxiously wait to find out if it’s true. It makes my heart flutter with excitement and anxiety. The terrifying feelings I had the first time feel a lifetime away now.

Blake throws the door open, forcing me to sit up. She grins, waving a pink box in the air. “Found it and it terrifies me how many they have stashed in that room.” Blake cringes before tearing the box open and handing me the wrapped test.

“I don’t even want to know why that is,” I mutter, standing up staring at the test. With a deep breath I look up at Blake who gives me a smile.

“You can do this.”

“I can do this,” I repeat as I move into the bathroom and tear the test open. Within a few minutes, I’m going to know whether or not our lives are about to change.

“I just wanna say, I’m really happy you’re letting me be a part of this.” Blake’s voice comes through the door.

“If you’re trying to make me cry, you’re going to succeed,” I respond as I wash my hands, setting the test upside down.

“I mean I’m not trying to.” she says through the wood. After a few moments her voice floats through again. “Anything?”

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