Page 111 of All Our Ghosts

"What do you mean? Who lied?" I ask gently, trailing my fingers along the nape of his neck. His arms tighten around me like if he were to let go I would float away from him. Confusion wracks through me as I try to piece together what he was saying.

Holden lifts his head to look at me with tears welling in his eyes. I hate that he's shattering in front of me, piece by piece and I can't stop it.

"Cole lied about Becca's death."

"What?" I breathe out, my eyes wide as the words settle between us in a toxic cloud.

“He knew why she was on the road that night. Why she snuck out.” He chokes out the words and drops his head again. “She was fucking going to meet him. He knew this whole time that I blamed myself for not being there to protect her that night. I spent–” Holden sucks in a breath but it sounds strained as if breathing was painful, “I spent the night staring at photos of her beaten body and he fucking knew.”

My hands move to cup his face as a sob takes over the last few of his words. "Holden," I whisper, tracing my thumbs over his cheekbones and wiping away his tears as the grief of his sister's death washes over him again.

"Fuck," he curses shaking his head. "Fuck!"

Holden launches into a ramble about what happened at their meeting. How Cole had exploded over the tiniest of things. How nothing had gone to plan and how he found out about Becca. He holds nothing back as his words fall from his lips between small gasps of air and the slight raises in his voice when his anger takes over. I wipe his cheeks as he speaks whenever he lifts his head to look at me. All I can do is listen to him.

Truth be told, I don't know how to handle this with him. I don't know how to help him protect the club and I don't know how to help him protect his heart from breaking even more than it already was as he talks about Cole. All I want to do is wrap around him and be his shield.

He finally climbs from his bike and leads me over to the rock wall separating us from the cliffside below.

"How do I go back?" His voice is small and quiet as he turns to me.

"You have to." I hate saying that to him and I hate the look he gives me even more. His brows are furrowed and his lips are turned down into a frown. "I know that you're hurting and you have every right to be," I say as he starts to pull away from me. I know how he operates, Holden runs when things get tough, he hides behind his anger and grief the same way I do.

"I'm not your enemy, Holden," I say carefully. "And neither is Cole."

He spins so fast on me that it makes me dizzy. His eyes go wide, "You think I shouldn't blame him?" He asks, his words laced with hurt.

"That's not what I said," I sigh." You can hurt, you can grieve again. You're allowed to but don't let that get in between you and your brothers."

"How?" His whisper is almost a whine and it shatters what's left of my heart. "How do I look him in the face again knowing that he's responsible."

I wince knowing that I don't agree with him. "He wasn't the one that killed her, Holden."

That familiar darkness flickers in his eyes as he pulls away from my touch. "What the hell does that mean?" As soon as the words leave his lips it's like I can see his defenses build up around him and I'm desperate to stop it.

"It means just that. Cole didn't kill Becca just like I didn't kill my baby." The words feel like broken glass falling from my lips. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to hear this. Holden moves to pull further away from me, I don't let him this time. My fingers wrap around his hands and hold them to my chest. "Youknowwho killed her. That's who you should be angry with. Cole should not have lied, he should have told you. But making him your enemy won't help anyone."

I know he's barely listening to me at this point but a part of me hopes the words ring true. His gaze has moved past me, back out at the water and his hands are clenched in mine. "Take the anger and hurt that you feel and direct it at the people who've hurt the ones you love. Use it against Stokes, Watson, hell even the Skulls if that's what you need, but don't weigh the club down with this."

"I'm tired of having it all on my shoulders," he whispers into the setting sun.

"I know," I reply just as softly. "Give me some of that weight."

Finally those cerulean eyes land on mine. Searching them for answers I don't have. This weekend was supposed to make things easier for us and yet somehow things feel even more heavy than they were a month ago. I know whatever we have to face is going to test us even more than we already have been but I also know that deep down we were so rooted within each other that we'd get through it.

Holden tucks my hands against his chest and leans into me slightly, tilting his head to the side as he studies my face. Taking in my features like it's the last time.

"Do you love me?" He whispers, keeping his eyes on mine.

Even if I try to deny it, I can't lie to him. My feelings for him are written in everything I do.

"More than you know."

For the first time since that morning, he smiles. It's soft but it still sends a flutter of butterflies through me as he leans further into me, capturing my lips with his. He tugs his hands from mine and tangles his fingers into my hair, kissing me with everything he has. When he pulls back, it feels like he takes the air in my lungs with him and when my eyes finally open he's watching me with something akin to adoration in his eyes.

"Ask me," he says breathlessly, sliding his hands to frame my face.

"Do you love me?" I whisper back without hesitation.

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