Page 104 of Ordinary Girl

“As good as.”

“They weren’t,” I start, “holding me against my will, I mean… Okay, in the beginning it was kind of like that, but things changed.Ichanged.” I drop my head and push my food around my plate. “It wasn’t all bad.”

“Ana, your mama was murdered in their clubhouse,” Lea says, and I look at her, because she’s right.

“Buttheydidn’t kill her. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and if she hadn’t come looking for me…” I stop talking and take a breath. It doesn’t matter how many times I go over this; how many times I talk about it, it never gets easier. The guilt doesn’t ease. It never will.

“It wasn’t your fault, Ana.” Lars’ voice is kind, but I know they don’t understand why I’m not full of hate for people who, in their eyes, kept me prisoner.

I drop my head again, and take another second. “Who was it that told you to go?” I look up, glancing from Lars to Lea. “When it all happened. Did someone just come to your door? Tell you to leave…?”

“Pretty much,” Lars sighs, refilling his glass with more wine. “We were at the store. It was just another day in our eyes, although, we were wondering where you were. We tried calling you but your phone was switched off, and then, around mid-morning, this man came into the shop. Said he was from the police, and that we had to leave town. It was so weird, and neither Lea or I believed him, at first. It just felt so random. But then he explained that Sofia… He told us what had happened. He told us you’d been there, but that you were safe. He told us we couldn’t tell anyone what he was telling us. He said you were more than likely going to come to us, and if you did that, none of us would be safe. He told us it would be better if we left the country, went to stay with our parents in Belgium but I told him we couldn’t do that. They were traveling through Asia, and anyway, if we did suddenly turn up on their doorstep they’d know something was up. And you know our parents, they like to ask questions. So, he left it at that, left the store, and we didn’t know what to do. It was scary and strange and we tried and tried to get in touch with you but all your social media wasgone…” Lars drops his head, his shoulders tense as he takes a deep breath. “About two hours later the same man returned, and that’s when he told us we needed to go. We needed to leave, straightaway, we couldn’t even go home first. He gave us an address to go to, in a town we’d never been to before, and I argued with him, a lot, I mean, I was throwing questions at him…” Lars stops, takes another deep breath, and I don’t miss the look that passes between him and Lea.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, and I am sorry. I’m so, so sorry. What happened didn’t just alter my life, it also turned my two best friends’ lives upside down.

“I was scared,” Lea says, her hands balling up into fists and I shift uncomfortably in my chair. “I didn’t know what was going on, I just knew that I wasscared.” She shrugs. “So we went. We left, because I was terrified of what might happen to us if we stayed. We had to close the store, leave our home, all because of…” She breathes in, looks at Lars, and he shakes his head. And I shift again. “We were allowed to come to the funeral, but we couldn’t see you. Couldn’t talk to you. We don’t even know if you were there…”

“I was there.”

“You were?” Lea’s eyes widen, and I nod.

“I wasn’t in a good place, back then.”

Lars and Lea exchange another look, and I feel my stomach sink.

“We lost everything,” Lea whispers, and I can see she’s close to crying. And it breaks my heart. “And if it hadn’t been for your dad…”

“He’ll never be my dad.”

Lea frowns. “He did a lot for us.”

I can’t argue with that. But they don’t know who he really is. Was. “He left me and Mama,” I say. “And you know what that didto us.” Now they do, because I’ve told them. But back then they didn’t know much at all. None of us did. “He left us alone.”

“I know, but, people can change, Ana. Don’t you think?”

I don’t respond. And I’m not going to tell them what happened to my father, I’m absolutely certain the Vikings don’t want that information getting out. I’m sure they’ve dealt with the aftermath.

“Did you speak to him, before you came here?” Lars asks, and I’m already done with this conversation.

“Briefly,” I lie, and all of a sudden I just want to escape to my room. Be alone. “He’s away on business now, though.” The lie continues, because it has to. “But, to be honest, I don’t think we were ever going to repair a relationship that was already so broken. He told me about you guys, and for that I’m grateful, but I don’t need him in my life.”

“Okay. I understand,” Lea says quietly.

“Yeah. We get it,” Lars says, throwing me a reassuring smile. But I think I already know what’s happening here. We all vowed to put the past behind us, but at the same time we can’t help remembering how it used to be. Howweused to be. And in amongst all of that there’s regret and pain and shreds of animosity floating around that I don’t blame them for feeling, but it means we can’t really move forward. Not in the way we thought we could. And me coming here, in hindsight I think it was the wrong thing to do. I’ve caused my two closest friends to rekindle a painful time in their life that leads back to me, and I never meant to do that.

“I’m really tired. I’m going to have an early night, if that’s okay with you guys?”

They both nod, and I can almost feel the relief oozing out of both of them. Relief that I’m leaving them alone; that they don’t have to endure these conversations any longer. And that realization hits me like a sledgehammer.

Once inside my room, I sit down on the bed and take a minute. Coming here was a mistake, and I can see why my dad thought it would be a good idea. Why he thought I would be safer here. This town is beautiful, almost picture-perfect, it seems like it would be a lovely place to live. Lars and Lea have started to build a great life here, but I don’t fit into it, in any way, even though they’ve tried so hard to make me feel a part of it. We all thought, when I first turned up, that it was going to be like old times, but we were all so wrong about that. We tried, we did, but I’ve felt like things have been strained for a while now, ever since the initial excitement of my arrival wore off and reality set in. This istheirworld. Their life. And once again it’s a world I don’t belong in.

“Ana?” Lea taps on my door, and I tell her to come in. She pokes her head inside and smiles at me. “Lars and I are popping out for a quick drink. One of our friends has just called and asked if we wanted to join them, do you want to come?”

She’s asking out of politeness. Deep down I think she’s hoping I say no, and I am going to say no, of course I am. I shake my head and smile. “No, thank you. I’m going to go to bed and read. I’m really tired.”

“You sure?” she asks, again, out of politeness.

“I’m sure. Go on, I’ll be fine.”

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