Page 103 of Ordinary Girl

Joel had been there, when I’d woken up. And we’d talked, because I’d had so many blanks that had needed filling in. And when he told me why they’d been there, at the house: that they’d come to kill my dad, for no reason other than they didn’t trust him, I felt nothing. I’d expected to feelsomethingbut all I’d felt was numb. And even when the numbness had gone there’d still been nothing. I hadn’t known him. Emil Renard had been a stranger to me, and deep down I still blamedhimfor Mama’s death because everything had started with his leaving. That had been the catalyst for all that had followed, and I just couldn’t shake that. I mean, yeah, I’d been willing to use him, to find Lars and Lea, that was the only reason I’d gone there that day. He was going to take me to them, or had he? I’d been having second thoughts, hadn’t I? I’d been about to leave, when I’d got caught in the crossfire. Just like Mama, except, I’d survived.

Things changed after I recovered. They’d started changing the second I woke up, if I’m being honest. Almost succumbing to the same fate as my mama, that had hit hard. It had panicked me, almost. It brought into focus the dangerous world I’d been thrust into, and even though I loved Joel, I couldn’t carry on living that life. It wasn’t me, it never had been. It was never supposed to be. I’d wanted out. And he fought me, because he loved me, I truly believed that he did, but we just came from two very different worlds. And I needed to find my way back to mine, without him. It was better that way.

Finding Lars and Lea, that became my focus. My need. And without my dad to take me to them it meant I had to find them myself, but at least he’d given me enough information for me to be able to do that, pretty easily as it turned out. It wasn’t hard to find the little coffee shop in the small town they’d moved to:the business my father had set them up in, because he’d wanted them to be safe. He’d wantedmeto be safe, and despite the fact he meant nothing to me, in the end, I’m kind of glad he did this. He gave me an out. A chance to reconnect with my friends and make a new start with people I trust, love and want to be with. Didn’t I want to be with Joel? Honestly? Yes. Every fiber of my being still aches for him, because I loved him more than I’d wanted to admit, but he wasn’t good for me. And that world, it was too dark. Too full of painful memories.

Lars and Lea welcomed me with open arms, no bombardment of questions just the biggest of hugs, and the second I’d felt their arms around me it was like coming home. I’d felt safe and secure, for the first time in a long time. I was back where I belonged. I was with family, because that’s what Lars and Lea had always been to me. And we had a lot to talk about, sure, but that first night together, we’d cried and remembered Mama, and a past we all had to let go of now. We cried for that, too, I guess. It took a few days before we sat down and really talked, over a dinner that all of three of us had cooked together, like we used to do, back when everything had been ordinary and normal. I’m not sure we can ever go back to that. My world still feels too fragile right now. But at least I have a chance of a safer future, and that’s good. That’s okay, it was what I wanted, wasn’t it? All of this, it was what I wanted…?

“Ana?”

Lea’s voice cuts through my thoughts and I blink a few times to regain my focus, suddenly realizing the cup I’m holding is overflowing with coffee.

“Jesus, I’m sorry,” I say, putting the cup down and wiping my coffee soaked hand with a cloth. “I’ll make a fresh one.”

Lea leans against the counter and crosses her arms, her face a mask of concern. “Are you sure you’re okay, Ana?”

“I’m fine,” I say, probably a little too curtly, because I think I’m trying to convince myself more than anyone else. “I just lost concentration for a second, that’s all.”

“You really didn’t have to start working here so soon. Maybe you should go back to the house and rest.”

“Lea, please, I don’t want to sit on my own all day, it isn’t good for me. I need to be up and about and, more importantly, around people.”

She smiles, but there’s still a look of concern in her eyes. “I get that. I’m just worried about you. What you’ve been through…” She stops talking, unsure of my reaction I’m guessing, but it’s fine. I’m okay. I’m good.

“It’s over now. It’s all in the past.” But somehow, even saying the words out loud aren’t making me believe them. “I’m here, and I just want us all to move on.” I set the fresh cup of coffee on a tray which Lea picks up, ready to take to the customer. “Besides, you two have been through a lot, too. What happened, it affected us all.”

She throws me another smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. “Yes. It did.”

She heads off to deliver the coffee, and I take a second to catch my breath, looking out of the window onto the busy street. This café is in a perfect location with lots of footfall, surrounded by an array of shops and stores. My dad really knew his stuff when he set Lars and Lea up in business. It’s a small town, but one that gets a lot of tourists all year round, so it’s almost always busy.

“Hey.”

Lars’ voice shakes me out of my thoughts and I look at him. He hasn’t changed a bit, but then, in reality, it’s only been a few months since I last saw him. Tall with dark blond, almost brown hair, and beautiful deep blue eyes he’s handsome and strong and I don’t know why I never really saw that… That’s not true,actually, Idoknow why. He was always like a brother to me, and that’s how I always saw him. It’s how I still see him now, and I know my mama always wanted the two of us to be together: she thought we’d make a perfect couple, but it was never going to happen. Or, I don’t know, maybe it might have happened, if everything had stayed the same. If our lives hadn’t been ripped apart and then put back together in a new and unfamiliar way. There are so many maybes, but Lars and I… I only have the headspace for one man. A man I should be putting behind me, but I guess I need more time for that to start happening.

“Hey.” I lean back against the counter, but then a customer arrives, and Lars smiles at me and mouthsI’ll see to them,and I watch as he takes their order, makes their coffee as they chat, they seem to know each other.

“Another regular?” I ask, and he nods.

“We’ve gained quite a few since we opened up, and considering we haven’t been here that long… We’re just happy people like this place.”

“It’s nice. It’s the kind of place I’d come to.” And it is nice. It’s small enough to be cozy but big enough to seat quite a few people inside, and more out on the small but pretty pavement terrace.

There’s a few seconds of silence, which is broken by the arrival of more customers popping in to grab a coffee on their way home from work or a day out shopping, and I’m almost relieved, to be honest. There’s a part of me that’s finding it hard to keep up a conversation with the two people I love more than anything. And I do, love them. I do. And I’m right where I wanted to be now, but, I’m not feeling as comfortable as I thought I would. I did, in the beginning, but as the weeks draw on I still feel as if I’m nothing more than a visiting guest. That warm, welcoming feeling I got when I first arrived here, it’s shifting. Waning. Changing. And that might just be me overthinking everything, but I don’t think I am.

“As you’re probably gathering, now you’ve been here a little while, it always gets a bit busy at this time,” Lars says as he wipes down the countertop. “Thankfully it’s almost time to close up.”

I smile and nod and wonder why I’m finding it so difficult to keep a conversation going with people I consider to be family. It never used to be like this. But then, our livesnever used to be like this.

An hour and a half later we’ve closed up and driven the short distance home to the neat little two-storey house that Lars and Lea now live in. And although they haven’t said as much, and I haven’t asked, I’m betting my father bought them this, too. All because he knew I would finally relent and ask him to take me to them? Well, he was right, wasn’t he? That was exactly what happened.

Everyone’s too tired to cook tonight so we order in and open a bottle of wine. We watch some TV while we eat dinner, but it’s obvious by the atmosphere hanging in the air that we all have a lot more talking to do. There’s still so much left unsaid.

“My dad, did he tell you what he was doing…? Did he tell you it was because he hoped, when I heard about it, that I’d want to join you? Did he explain everything to you?”

Lea lays down her fork and puts her almost empty plate down on the coffee table, crossing her legs up underneath her. “More or less. He said you weren’t safe, where you were. He said he wanted you to be safe, after everything that had happened–”

“He said this biker gang were holding you against your will,” Lars interrupts, and Lea shoots him a look.

“He didn’t say those exact words, Lars.”

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