Page 61 of Toy Boy

That day, I’d pushed too far too quickly, and I paid the price. But I hadn’t been the only one. And at least my price hadn’t been my life. I still had that. Barely.

That day, my world fell apart. And it was nobody’s fault but my own. I’d been wrong, to push for that surgery to happen, but the clinic, every single one of my colleagues, they’d backed me all the way. They claimed the surgery had not been deemed too high risk, and that I’d been right to go ahead with it. The patient had given their permission. They’d been fully informed of the risks. But I know, deep down, that neither I nor the surgery had been ready enough. I’d let my ego take the lead, put myself first, and I killed someone.Ikilled them. And I couldn’t cope with that, in the end.

The clinic tried to persuade me to stay. They told me I was an integral part of their future, but at the time I didn’t believe them. I couldn’t. Because I’d stopped believing in myself.

I had no choice but to walk away. It was for the best, for both me and the clinic. But it still hurt, leaving a job I loved, and a country that had made me nothing but welcome.

I lost my partner. Lucie couldn’t cope with my bouts of self-pity, I wasn’t the man she thought I was; wanted me to be. I couldn’tbehim anymore. And I don’t blame her one bit for skipping out on me, leaving only a scribbled note. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her.

I lost my confidence, for a while. That’s why, after leaving Denmark, I went to Edinburgh before coming home to Beachcastle Bay. I went to Scotland first because I needed space and time to sort my head out; to know that I could still do the job I believe I was put on this earth to do – save lives. Like I saved Megan’s. And that time had been crucial. I know I did nothing wrong now. I know that. What I also know – what I now believe – is that, sometimes, things happen for a reason. And maybe what happened in Denmark, maybe that happened because I was never meant to stay there. I was always meant to come home. To Megan.

What I don’t know, however, is why I’ve come here, tonight, to The Swan. I guess I’m still reluctant to go home to a quiet, empty house, I’d rather be amongst people.

And Megan might be here…

That isn’t why I came.

Isn’t it…?

Too many thoughts are still racing around my head, and they’re making going home an option I’m trying to avoid. Being alone isn’t good for me right now. And I never used to be the kind of person to dwell on anything, but I do it far too much now.

Sitting down at a table smack bang in the centre of the already packed terrace, I move my chair slightly so I’m half facing the back entrance to the pub. I like to see who’s coming and going. But so far it’s mainly been people I’m not familiar with.

Leaning back in my seat I glance out across the beach, watching as a young couple play with their little boy, and I feel an ache in my heart that Megan and I never had the chance to start a family of our own. Maybe that could’ve saved us. A baby. I don’t know, in reality we weren’t together long enough to even have that conversation, but it isn’t too late. She’s still young enough, lots of women wait until their forties to start a family. Except, she’s already got a family. She has Josh, and Natalie. One day they’ll have kids of their own, maybe, and her family will just continue to grow, and that ache in my heart intensifies as I suddenly realise how much I want all of that. With Megan.

“Are you still here?”

Laney’s voice causes my head to shoot up, my eyes meeting hers, and I swear, if looks could kill I’d be slumped dead in my seat.

“I live here, Laney.”

“Unfortunately.”

To say that Megan’s sister and I never got on would be grossly overestimating the truth. The mistrust was there from the second Megan and I got together. She was grateful to the surgeon who saved her sister’s life, but she never really gave the man who fell in love with Megan a chance. And I never really had the energy to fight her.

“You know, Laney, it really doesn’t make any sense to carry on this pointless hatred you seem to have of me.”

“Not sure it’s your place to tell me what I can and can’t feel.”

“Jesus…” I drag a hand through my hair and turn my head away. “If Megan can see her way to giving me time…”

“You’ve spoken to Megan?”

This time when I look at her, I allow a slow smile to cross my face, which instantly irritates her. Megan’s kept her out of the loop, and Laney hates that. “We had lunch, yesterday.”

“Her idea, or yours?”

“It was her choice to come. I didn’t make her do anything she didn’t want to.”

“No. But you put the idea in her head.”

“You should credit your sister with a little more intelligence, Laney. She makes her own decisions.”

“Like I said, Scott,youput the idea in her head.” She places her palms down on the table, and leans into me, keeping her voice low as she almost hisses out the words. “I wish you hadn’t come back here.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.”

I hold her gaze, and that seems to unnerve her a little as she straightens up; takes a step back, crosses her arms, her composure’s returning. She doesn’t rattle easily, I guess that’s the lawyer in her.

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