Page 38 of Toy Boy

As soon as I hear the front door close I fling open the store cupboard and pull out a bag of basmati rice. Measuring out a good sized amount I tip it into a bowl and cover with water. I’ve always soaked my rice first before cooking, it’s just always worked out best for me that way. Setting the rice to one side on the counter, I finish my tea, check the slow cooker’s bubbling away nicely, and hurry back outside, the naan bread dough will have to wait until later. I need to get back to work, and I’m looking forward to the walk, time to get rid of all thoughts of Scott, he doesn’t deserve even the smallest amount of my headspace.

There’s a touch of cloud cover today, not enough to make it too much cooler, but it’s not as warm as it has been lately, and I pull on my jacket as I head down the street towards the sea front. Tonight, I’ll see him again. Xander. And I’m stupidly excited about that…

Xander

I’ve been busier this morning than any other since I’ve been here. The conditions today are perfect, so there’ve been more people out than usual, but it’s been one of the best mornings so far. And being this busy, it’s not a bad thing, especially today, when I could do with the distraction.

I can’t stop thinking about her.

Every time I have a spare minute I find myself counting down the hours until I see her again. Megan. Even thinking her name makes me smile, I can’t help it. That brief but beautiful kiss we shared a couple of nights ago, I can still feel it, her mouth pressing against mine, her fingers winding in my hair. I want to feel that again, I want more. I wanther. Jesus, I want her. And I shouldn’t. I should’ve been stronger, but I can’t ignore what I’m feeling. So I’m just going to have to work around it.

She was never meant to be a part of this…

She was. Just, not like this…

Taking a break from preparing a new board for painting, I stand up, hands on hips, and suck in a deep breath, exhaling slowly as I stare out at the busy beach, watching as those out there taking advantage of the perfect surf conditions ride the waves, and I long to get back out there myself. But I’ve got work to do, this isn’t a vacation.

“Don’t read anything into this, okay?”

I turn around to see Hanna standing on the sand, holding a take-out bag from the café.

“I just thought you might like one of our lunchtime specials. Ham, goat’s cheese and onion chutney on herb ciabatta. And a bottle of water. On the house.”

“That’s really thoughtful. Thank you.” I smile at her, because I want her to know that what I said to her the other day, I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I was trying to be kind. She really doesn’t deserve someone like me, I wouldn’t be good for her. She deserves better. “Come on. Sit down. I’m due a break.”

She shoots me an almost relieved smile back as she sits down next to me in one of the two garden chairs outside the shop.

“I brought mine, too,” she says, holding up another bag. “Without the goat’s cheese. I’m not a fan.”

The tone of her voice is slightly nervous, like she’s not sure if she should be here, but I’m actually glad that she is. She seems a truly nice person, the kind of person I could do with as a friend. And, if the circumstances were different, who’s to say we couldn’t have been something more than that, it’s just, the timing’s way off.

“I’m glad you’re here.” I throw her another smile, and her expression settles a little. She’s starting to relax more. “Being new around here, it’s good to have friends, and I meant it when I said I hope that’s what we can be, Hanna. I’d like us to friends.”

“Yeah. I’d like that, too.” Her smile is still a little strained, as though she’d hoped I might have changed my mind, but she must know by now that that isn’t going to happen. I’m not who she thinks I am. Or who she wants me to be. She’s better off without me. “Look, that invitation, to come to my friend’s party tonight, it still stands. Like I said, friends can go to parties together. There’s nothing wrong in that.”

I look out ahead of me and take a bite of the sandwich. And it’s good! Not too much goat’s cheese, and the onion chutney has a nice chilli kick to it. “I know, it’s just…” I do her the decency of facing her when I give her my excuse; my reason for turning her down, or the half-truth she’s going to get. “I have plans for tonight.”

“For a man with no real friends here, you’ve got plans?”

Alright. Not sure I’m in love with the slightly accusatory tone she’s adopted there. My plans, in reality, have nothing to do with her. Who I’m seeing, where I’m going, what I’m doing, none of it has anything to do with anyone else.

“I have plans,” I repeat. “And they were there before you invited me to the party.” A small lie, but one that’s designed to make her feel better, not worse. “But, you know, maybe another time?” Probably shouldn’t have promised her something I may never deliver, but there you go. I’ve said it now. And it seems to have cheered her up, so, all good, really.

“Yeah. Another time.”

She leans forward and takes a small bite of her sandwich, her eyes focused on the beach. And I snatch a quick glance, she’s really pretty, actually. Really pretty. Her light brown hair is streaked with ribbons of gold and bronze, I can tell that even though she’s got it pulled back into a ponytail, and her skin is lightly tanned. And I know she’s so much closer to my age than Megan is, but it’s Megan I want. Megan I can’t stop thinking about.

“Is the café busy today?”

Small talk, but it’s better than sitting here in silence. Besides, I want her to start feeling comfortable in my company, I want her to like me. I want everyone to like me, even those whose opinions I don’t give a shit about. That’s important.

She turns to look at me and shrugs as she takes another chunk out of her sandwich. “No busier than usual at this time of year.” She sits back in her chair, but she keeps her eyes on me. “What about you? Conditions are great for surfing today, you must’ve had a busy morning.”

“Yeah, it’s been good. Do you surf?”

“I’ve been out a few times, but I’m not very good at it.”

I’m about to offer her lessons, and then I stop myself. Not a good idea. “Well, if you ever decide to go out there again, I’ll give you a great discount on a board. Assuming you don’t have your own?”

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