Page 37 of Toy Boy

He stops talking, but I can finish that sentence for him. “She doesn’t needme?”

“I don’t think she ever did.”

I drop my head again and laugh quietly. He really thinks that, huh? How many others think that, too?

“I threw it away. What we had. I didn’t realise how much I – how much I loved her. Needed her. How badly I hurt her, until it was too late.” I look up, and Tim’s expression is telling me he isn’t completely buying my impromptu speech, but I never expected him to. “I need to tell her that, Tim. I just need to be able to tell her that.”

“And then what?”

I shrug. “Then it’s all up to her.”

Tim sets his empty mug down on the table and slides his hands into his pockets. “I can’t stop you from doing anything, Scott, I can only tell you what I know. And I know that Megan is doing good, she’s thrived, almost, since she left you, so, just remember that. And think about it. I’m your friend, and believe me, I want to see you happy, I do, I’m just not sure…” It’s his turn to lower his gaze, his shoulders stiffening, he doesn’t know what the fuck to say now, does he? Because he knows me. He knows I’m stubborn, and if I want something I’ll go all out to get it. “Be careful. That’s all I’m going to say.”

He looks at me with an expression that is almost pleading with me to back away from this, which actually irritates the hell out of me. “Are you still coming to the party tonight?” But he’s still my friend. And I’m beginning to realise that I’m really not the same man who left this town a few years ago, and I think I need all the allies I can find.

Tim’s face breaks into a smile, and suddenly my friend is back. The one who doesn’t dole out lectures and advice that, yeah, I’ll take on board, of course I will. I just can’t promise I’ll act on any of it. “Of course. Anyway, I should head off now. We’ll see you tonight. Around seven?”

I smile and nod and as soon as the door closes behind him I throw my head back and sigh.

I came back here – back to Beachcastle Bay – because I needed to. I needed to find the kind of normality I should never have left behind, because all that did was almost wreck my entire world; fuck up my life to the point where I nearly lost it all, but I didn’t. I didn’t. And now – despite my initial bravado, I was the hometown hero returning after all, wasn’t I? Despite all of that, seeing Megan, suddenly remembering what it was that I actuallyhadhere, it’s hit me harder than I thought it would. Things have changed.I’vechanged. Now I just need to let Megan see that.

Megan

“You don’t have to stick around, Josh. I’m sure you’ve got far better things to be doing.”

Josh popping in for a cup of tea has kind of slowed my preparations for tonight down. Well, it’s stopped them, actually, because the last thing I want my son to know is that I’m entertaining a man sixteen years my junior. A stranger, almost. He’d have way too much to say about that, and I’m not in the mood to listen.

I’d only popped home, quickly, to stick the slow-cooker on, prepare the rice, and make the dough for the naan breads, but I’ve only managed to do one of those things so far, thanks to Josh’s unexpected arrival. And I can already see him looking at the slow-cooker sitting on the corner of the counter with a frown on his face. A slightly suspicious frown, too, I have to say.

“Well, I’ve got to be back at the station in a little while, I only stopped by to say a quick hello, but… Are you cooking your lamb bhuna?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I wondered why Hanna said you’d gone home for an hour, that’s unusual for you, in the middle of the day. You haven’t cooked one of your curries in ages. You used to say it was a lot of work for just you.”

“I’ve been craving one for a while, and I’ve made enough to be able to freeze a couple of portions for another time.”

He looks at me, arching a questioning eyebrow. Sometimes I forget what he does for a living, but now I’m being reminded of just why he has the makings of a very good detective. “Are you making turmeric rice, too?”

“I don’t think so. It’s just for me, so plain boiled rice will do.” That’s a lie, but I can’t risk raising Josh’s suspicions, he’s already curious as to why I’m going to so much trouble for what I’ve told him is a meal for one. I just can’t face the questions he’d throw at me if he knew Xander was coming here, to my home, tonight. So, for now, little lies are what he’s going to get. “There’s microwave rice in the cupboard, actually, I’ll probably just use that.”

He lifts that eyebrow a little higher, and I sigh. Which was probably a mistake, in hindsight, because Josh’s frown is back.

“Don’t you usually go to The Swan on a Friday night?”

“Sometimes.” Seriously, am Ithatpredictable? “This week I fancied a bit of a change.” I lean back against the counter and sip my mug of tea. “Scott’s having some kind of house warming party tonight, apparently. Half the town’s invited, and some of them will more than likely be at The Swan before they head over there, and I’m just… I’m not in the mood for the pub tonight.”

Josh’s frown deepens. “Yeah. According to Natalie they’re all talking about it over at the hospital. She’s not invited, though… You’re not wishingyouwere, are you?”

“Jesus, no!” I almost splutter my mouthful of tea out at that question. He couldn’t be further from the truth. “The last thing I want is to be anywhere near the man. All I want is a quiet night in with a homemade curry and a box set. Is that a crime?”

He smiles and shakes his head. “No. Of course it isn’t.” He grabs his jacket from the counter and comes over to drop a quick kiss on my cheek. “But if there’s any of that curry left over, spare a thought for me and Natalie. Two very busy public sector workers who don’t have a lot of time for home cooking.”

I laugh and push him away, I’ll make another batch later, just for them. “Go on. Get out of here.”

“Alright. I’ll speak to you soon.”

“Not too soon.” And preferably not tonight.

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