Page 75 of Beautiful Dangerous

“I let this whole fucking situation get to me,” I sigh.

“It’s understandable, Liv.”

“But it was the last thing I wanted to do, in front of Javier.”

“He’s not your boss, Olivia. He’s your husband. And he loves you.”

I keep my eyes focused on the street, at the people walking by. Ordinary people, with ordinary lives, I could’ve been one of them. An ordinary person. Living an ordinary life.

“Do you wish things were different?” I whisper, and for a moment I forget that I said that out loud, and I close my eyes and count to ten but I know that when I open them, everything will still be exactly the same. And Lucca doesn’t answer that question anyway, he stays silent, and when I look at him he’s got his head bowed, and I can tell that his hands are balled up into fists, even though they’re still in his pockets. I can tell by the way his forearms have tensed up, veins bulging out from beneath his tanned, tattooed skin.

I want to ask the question again, but I don’t. I think it’s too dangerous, so I leave it alone, turn back around, and take the last few bottles of tequila out of the box, ready to stash away behind the bar.

“Every day I wake up and I wish things were different.”

He’s raised his head now, and his eyes lock on mine the moment I glance in his direction, and my stomach flips and flies and I can’t stop it from doing any of that. I can’t.

“So, yes, I wisheverythingwere different. But it isn’t. It can’t be. No matter how much we want it to be.”

His words fill me with a dark despair, an empty feeling that lives inside me now, from the second I knew that I was falling in love with him it’s been ever constant. And it’s everything I should be feeling for Javier: for my husband, a man I once loved so much I couldn’t bear to be away from him. But I don’t feel that way about him anymore, I don’t feel those things for him, anymore. I don’t feel anything. Until I’m with Lucca. And then I feel everything.

“Shouldn’t you be getting back to Javier?”

I’m changing the subject as I start stocking the shelves behind the bar, making sure every bottle is fresh and full, I need something to focus on.

“He doesn’t need me right now. He’s at home, he’s safe.”

“There’s no reason for you to be hanging around here, though, is there? Now you know I’m okay.”

“Maybe not. But maybe Iwantto hang out here, for a little while longer.”

“We don’t need any help.”

I keep my back to him, because if I look at him I don’t know what I’ll do. Being alone with him isn’t a good idea. I’ve spent so long taking so many risks that I’d be willing to take another, if it meant I could touch him again. Kiss him. Hold him…

“Where’s Angel?”

“Don’t worry, he hasn’t neglected his duties. He’s out back having a cigarette. And he’s only doing that because you’re here. He wouldn’t leave me on my own.”

And this constant need to be babysat, I’m suddenly finding it stifling. I never gave it a second thought before, it came with the territory. But now – now it’s suffocating.

I take a deep breath and turn around, and when I look at him all I’m seeing now is a man I can never have. But he’s a man I love. I love him…

You can’t.

But I do…

“Do you still love Javier?” he asks, and I swallow hard and I swear I have to think about that answer. I have to think about it, when once-upon-a-time I would never have dreamt of hesitating. Never.

“I don’t know,” I whisper, and I’m hearing the words, I just can’t believe I’m saying them.

His face clouds over, his ice-blue eyes darkening, because he knows how impossible our situation is. How dangerous it is.

“You knew he was always going to come back, Lucca. You knew, and yet you still let it happen. You and me, youstilllet that happen.”

“I tried to stop it, Liv.”

“Afterwe’d slept together. And that was too late.”

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