Page 72 of Beautiful Dangerous

“How did you know I like blueberry jam in my doughnuts?”

Angel smiles at me from across the table. We’re in the casino’s restaurant, waiting for Javier to turn up for a meeting to co-ordinate the distribution of Endo French’s product. The delivery we commandeered from the Pino cartel.

“Lucky guess.” He shrugs and sips his coffee before tipping a shot of whiskey into it, and sinking a bigger mouthful.

I smile and tear off a chunk of doughnut, popping it into my mouth as I sit back and look around at the already busy casino floor, and it’s not even ten-thirty in the morning yet.

“You look happier today.” Angel reaches over to steal a chunk of doughnut, but I slap his hand away.

“Get your own!” I laugh, my arm protectively circling the plate. “And, for your information, Iamhappier today.”

Sort of. The truth is, I’m just learning to accept the new reality that’s been thrust on me; the lies I now have to tell to keep Javier’s cover story real. I’ve had a lot of explaining to do, to our legitimate business partners, and not all of those conversations have been easy. Some have been nervous about what they might be getting into, but I’ve managed to, so far, quell any fears people might have had. Others have been more than happy with the extra attention Javier’s return from the dead has generated, seeing it as welcome publicity.

“Any reason why?” Angel pushes, shooting me a friendly grin, and for the first time since Javier came home I feel relaxed. Calm, even, although, it won’t last. It never does.

“I don’t know,” I sigh, sitting back again, my head dropping, my fingers fiddling with the remains of the doughnut. “I guess, sometimes, I allow myself to think of something other than this.”

“This?”

I look up, and he’s frowning. “This life. And then I realize thereisnothing else, other than this life, but it’s one I can handle.” I shrug. “And things are okay now, you know? Javier’s back, and we’re running this shit together, so…” I let that sentence trail off, and the sudden, almost breath-taking feeling of sadness that swamps the pit of my belly is terrifying.

“Olivia?” Angel leans forward, our eyes locking.

“I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

I nod, and I smile, and I try to push the sadness to one side. I’m confused by the way things are changing. Everything I thought I knew – everything I thought I wanted, those things aren’t the same anymore.

“Do you ever think about what your life could’ve been like, if you hadn’t married Javier?”

I wait a moment before I answer that question, but I keep my eyes locked on Angel’s. “It’s dangerous, to let myself think about that.”

“Do you ever think about leaving this life behind?”

I have no idea why he’s asking me these questions, and I’m not sure I should be having this conversation with him, even though I really do feel like I can trust him. I have to trust somebody, because I’m not even sure I can trust myselfat the moment.

“I can’t do that.”

Angel arches an eyebrow. “Can’t leave this life behind? Or can’t think about it?”

“Both.”

He shakes his head, and my stomach dips, it feels heavy with a despair I’ve been trying to push away, masking it with this pseudo-happy façade, but as each day passes it’s getting harder and harder to keep that up.

“You can do anything you want to, Olivia. If you want to get out, if you want to leave all this shit behind, you can. You can do that.”

I have no idea why this conversation is happening – or how we got here – but I think we should end it, now, before I say too much.

“Come on. We should go join the others, Javier will be here soon.”

I start to get up, but he puts his hand over mine, stopping me from leaving. “When I said you could trust me, Olivia, I meant that. So, if you need to talk…”

“I’m fine.” I smile, and I hope that’ll satisfy him enough to leave this alone. “Really.” I pull my hand away from under his and he gets up too, but the look that passes between us, he knows I’m not okay. I thought I was. I pretended to be. But I’m not. I’m not okay.

“I’m here, alright? Any time…”

“I know. I know you are.”

---