Page 73 of Beautiful Dangerous

I hear Javier’s voice booming out across the room as he greets Merv, the casino manager, and I look over as he strides toward me, followed by Lucca, and I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.

The man I married.

And the man I love.

“We should go,” Angel whispers into my ear, giving my shoulder a quick squeeze as he makes his way down onto the casino floor, but I feel like my feet are glued to the spot. It’s only when Javier’s eyes meet mine that I find myself plastering that necessary smile back on my face, this is what I signed up for. It’s time I faced up to that, and accepted it.

~~~

“Come home with me, Olivia.”

The meeting’s over, and everything is in hand with regards to the distribution of Endo French’s product. The Devil’s Creed will oversee it all, it’s safe in their hands. And now – now Javier wants me to go home with him, to spend some time with him, alone. And I’m trying desperately to think of a hundred excuses as to why I can’t do that.

“I’m supposed to be going straight to The Garden after this meeting, there’s a delivery of that golden tequila you specifically ordered coming in later.”

“Nora and Kyle can deal with that, you don’t need to be there.”

I know I don’t need to be there, it’s just another excuse to avoid spending any time with him alone, but it’s getting to the point where I can’t keep doing this for much longer.

“I need to pick up the books. Laurel wants to go over them, to make sure everything’s in order.”

The Garden is one of the few, truly legitimate businesses the Delgado cartel runs. It’s clean, never had a dollar of dirty money come through it, and I intend to keep it that way. Our completely legitimate businesses are a fallback. A safety net. Something to hold onto, in case Javier ever feels the need to walk away from this life, that’s what he told me. But I’m not sure that’s something he’s ever likely to do, it’s too embedded into him. All of this, it’s who he is, but I’m beginning to realize that it isn’t whoIam. Not anymore. And if I could find a way to get out I would run, so fast, until my lungs hurt, but only if Lucca were with me…

“Is there any reason they shouldn’t be in order?”

Javier’s voice pulls me back to reality, all those impossible thoughts of running anywhere shoved firmly to the back of my mind, where they need to stay. That idea, it’s just a stupid fantasy I need to forget.

“No, of course not.”

There’s a real sadness in his eyes when he looks at me, and yes, that stab of guilt I felt just then, that was real, because I don’t hate this man. I don’t know how much I can trust him anymore, but I don’t hate him. I grieved, and I moved on, that’s all. What else was I supposed to do, when I thought he was dead? But I’m finding it hard to put all of that back in the box and pretend like I never had to go through it. His coming back, it’s supposed to be the start of a whole new beginning for us, but I’m struggling to deal with it all.

Because you fell in love with another man…

Because I fell in love with another man.

“Come here, Olivia. Please.”

Paranoia isn’t something I’m prone to displaying, it isn’t the kind of trait that works well in this world, but I’ve been drifting towards bouts of it lately, and I’m worried that it’s getting harder to hide.

“Absence is supposed to make the heart grow fonder, hmm?” Javier rests his palm against my cheek, his thumb gently stroking it as he looks into my eyes. “But the reality is it’s only pushed us further apart. And I think we need to find a way back to each other. Don’t you”

“Yes,” I whisper, not missing a beat, if I hesitate he’ll read into that.

“I love you, so much,” he whispers, and I believe him. I believe that hedoesstill love me, and I wish with all of my heart that I still loved him the way I used to, but I don’t. I can’t.

“You lied to me, Javier.”

“And I can only keep saying how sorry I am, that I had to do that, but I’m sure you understand that for you to have known the truth, it was too risky.”

His hand fans out against the base of my spine, pressing me gently against him, and I feel my skin break out in goose bumps, my heart racing, and I’m not sure whether those feelings are real, or whether I’m managing to bring them on because I need to. “It would’ve put you in too much danger,mi amor. And I wasn’t willing to do that.”

I drop my head, but he tucks a finger under my chin and gently pushes it back up, until our eyes meet again, and he smiles.

“I love you, Olivia. That’s why I had to lie to you.”

“I grieved for you. Cried for you. I thought you were gone forever, do you know what that feels like? To have your world ripped apart? To not get the chance to say goodbye?” There’s an anger coming from deep within me now, rising up, and I need to let it out, I think I have to do that. It might even help, but at the very least it’ll let him know how I feel. And maybe give me a little more breathing space. And he gets that, he realizes that I need to do this, and he steps back from me. “I had to live with the pain of your death, and keep it hidden while I ran your fucking business, because that’s what I had to do. I had no choice…”

“You had a choice, Olivia.”

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