Page 55 of A Christmas Mystery

“It is. That’s exactly it. And of course I was hurt and betrayed by the secret, but I might have done the exact same thing as him if I were in his situation. But now it’s... it’s real. It’s not simply this exciting thing I’m trying out. It’sreal.” I reach down to stroke Ed, who is rubbing against my ankles worriedly. I add in a hoarse whisper, “It means I’ve really moved on all the way from Chris.”

When I start shaking again, she gets up and leans over me in a hug. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.”

I reach up to hold on to her forearms, seeking the comfort I need. “I didn’t expect... I thought I’d gotten through the worst of it, so I didn’t expect it to hit me this way. But Theo loves me. Helovesme.” I almost choke as I force out the words. “He’s loved me for years. And you’re right. Because we slowly developed the online relationship, that means we’ve been together for a lot longer than two weeks. And so maybe I... I...”

“Maybe you love him too.”

“He was Chris’s best friend!” I burst out, blinded by tears. “And I was Chris’s girl. How can we...? What would Chris—”

Tee still has her arms around me like she’s trying to hold me together. “Chris loved you, mija. He loved both of you. If he was alive, none of this would have happened, so it’s a futile exercise to imagine what he would say now that he’s gone. You can only live in the world as it is. And in this world, Chris is gone, but you and your Theo are still here. You’ve learned who he really is. You’ve gotten closer. You’ve fallen in love. And you have a chance to be happy together. It’s in that world you need to make your decisions.”

My sobs have finally dissipated. I sniff and mop at my face as Tee straightens up and goes back to her own seat.

“How did you leave it with Theo?” she asks after a minute.

“I told him I needed some space to think.”

“That was wise. You didn’t end things?”

“No! No, I didn’t. I wouldn’t. Not impulsively. I know from experience my first instinct isn’t always the best.”

“How was he?”

“He was... devastated.”

“He believes he’s lost you because he was too afraid to speak.”

“Y-yes. I think so.”

“Has he? Lost you?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“Okay. Well, you have time. Think about it. No matter what his feelings are or how long he’s had them, you’re still free to choose what’s best for you. And that may or may not be him.”

“I want to choose what’s best. I just don’t... don’t know what that is.”

“You will.” She smiles at me, warm and knowing. “I promise, you will know soon.”

***

DANIELA COMES HOMEfrom shopping but has apparently gotten inspired on a project because she goes immediately to the studio and stays there most of the afternoon. So Tee and I spend the rest of the day together, working on some last-minute baking and then preparations for dinner. We still have time for a short nap since we have a long evening.

Dinner is me, Daniela, Tee, and several of her friends—women her age who are either widowed or never married. The food is delicious, and I’ve recovered emotionally enough to let the pleasant conversation distract me briefly from Theo. Daniela goes back to the studio to work afterward, but the rest of us linger a long time and then move to the living room so we can sit around the Christmas tree as we wait for Mass.

At Mass, I sit in the middle of a pew next to Daniela and one of Tee’s friends, and a few minutes before the service starts something prompts me to glance behind me.

Theo has come in. He sits by himself near the back. He meets my gaze soberly, but he doesn’t make any attempt to smile or speak.

He was supposed to come with me, but now everything is different.

“You want me to tell him to go home?” Daniela asks in a stage whisper.

“No! He’s fine. He’s allowed to be here if he wants.”

“You can go sit with him.”

I shake my head. “No. I’m not ready for that.”

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