Page 54 of A Christmas Mystery

ICRY ON MY COUCH FORabout an hour, fussed over by two very anxious cats who aren’t used to me falling apart like this anymore.

Eventually I run out of energy, so I slump over to lie in a bleak daze for another hour.

The strange thing is I don’t know what to feel about this situation. Now that the initial shock is wearing off, I’m definitely hurt by what feels like a betrayal.

But there’s also something else. Something far scarier and more bewildering than the fact that Theo kept this secret from me.

It’s like the final puzzle piece has been snapped into place, creating a complete picture. And it’s that picture—that reality—that has my heart and mind and spirit in such an uproar.

Finally I rouse myself to take a walk, breathing deeply and doing my best to clear my mind and settle into some sort of peace.

I do feel a little better afterward, but I’m not anywhere close to peace. So I gather the stuff I need for overnight and tomorrow, put the Christmas gifts I’ve got wrapped and ready in a large shopping bag, and corral Ed and Claude into their crate so I can haul everything over to Tee’s.

It will be so late after midnight Mass that it makes sense to spend the night with her and Daniela.

I don’t much feel like being alone right now anyway.

***

DANIELA IS OUT DOINGsome last-minute Christmas shopping, but Tee helps me unload and then sets us up with tea and cookies while the cats investigate every nook and cranny in the large house to make sure it’s exactly the same as it was when they last visited.

To my relief, she doesn’t immediately ask what’s wrong with me, although it’s got to be obvious that I’m an emotional wreck. She bustles around in her normal manner, jumping from topic to topic as she chats and making sure I’m comfortable in my favorite chair and even bringing me a crocheted blanket to wrap around my shoulders since she’s sure I must be chilly.

Her familiar kindness makes me cry again despite my best efforts.

“Oh mija,” she murmurs, reaching over to pat my arm. “Drink your tea. You’ll tell me all about it whenever you’re ready.”

I do as she suggests and am able to start talking in a few minutes. I spill everything out to her about Theo being my pen pal, occasionally going in circles with the narration and often repeating myself.

Tee doesn’t care. She listens to everything with sympathetic dark eyes and wordless murmurs that prove she’s following along and that she cares.

When I’m finally done, we both finish our cookies in silence. I feel relieved—less burdened—even though Tee still hasn’t responded.

“Well,” she says at last. “He is indeed a very shy young man. I can clearly see how it happened. Can’t you?”

“Yes, of course I can see how it happened. It was safe for him to start messaging me anonymously, but then the whole thing kind of spiraled out of control. But that doesn’t mean it was right for him to not tell me. I get he was scared, but he still should have told me.”

“Of course he should have told you. No one could possibly question that. He was scared and made a mistake. So the question is whether that mistake is enough to destroy everything you were building with him.”

Something about her choice of words makes me whimper. I fiddle with the handle of my teacup. “I... I don’t know.”

She peers at me closely. “I’ve never known you not to lead with your heart. You’ve always faced every situation with empathy and understanding. Can you really not feel for him enough to forgive?”

“I... I do empathize. I can feel for him so deeply that it makes me cry. What he had to go through for so many years, wanting me but never being able to say so. Never being able to act on it. I have no idea how he... It must have hurt him so much for a really long time. I’m sure I can forgive him. That’s not even the main issue. It’s... it’s...”

Tee waits, but I can’t get past the block in my throat. Finally she nods as if she already knows. “I can imagine it might be overwhelming. To realize this new relationship isn’t merely two weeks old. You and Theo have been together for almost a year.”

“We weren’t—” My objection is instinctive, but it’s neither true nor necessary.

Tee is right. The fact that Theo is my pen pal means exactly that. That he and I have been slowly building this relationship for the past year. That was the final puzzle piece that snapped into place, and the whole picture it reveals is a fully developed relationship.

“I think...” I take a slow, ragged breath and blow it out. “I think that’s what’s upset me the most. Starting something new—now, after Chris—has been really hard, and part of how I’ve been handling it has been reminding myself that we’re just getting started. So there’s not a lot of pressure. I’m not committing to anything. But now... but now...”

“You thought what you had was a safe little sapling, but now you’ve discovered the tree has very long roots.”

I contort my face to keep from crying again as I nod at her apt description.

“It’s planted deep.”

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