His grip on her fingers loosened.
“Fast?” His laugh was bitter. “Mags, we’ve known each other for almost twenty years. And it feels like we’re slipping back to right where we left off, like the last four and a half years never happened. That’s not fast.”
“I know. It’s just that I have to focus on my job right now.” And then every fear spilled out.
“What if you get traded? What if I end up at a different hospital in a different state after I finish my residency? You want to talk long-term and pick up where we were before, but I need more time.”
He dropped her hands and pushed back from the table, pacing in front of her. “No. You need to be in control. You’re afraid of losing people. You always were. That’s why you ended it in college.”
“That’s not fair. We were twenty-one, I was about to start med school, and long-distance rarely works. That’s like the trifecta of not working out.” Why couldn’t he understand where she was coming from?
“Those are just excuses not to try. I know it’s a risk and our schedules are crazy, but how can you truly be happy if you don’t take a chance?”
“I just need some time,” she repeated woodenly. His points were all valid, but she still hesitated to give him everything he wanted. “Maybe I’m not what you need. Not what you deserve.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. Don’t push this back on me because you’re scared.”
“But it didn’t work out before.” She was grasping.
“You gave up on us before. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that you’re willing to do that again. You have excuse after excuse. Why can’t you just try? That’s all I want. I love you, and I know you still love me.”
“I do, but—”
“I should probably go,” he said, cutting her off. He walked toward the front door, not looking at her, and she bit back her sob.
“I just need a little time,” she said, internally cursing her cowardice and aching to reach for him, but she stayed frozen at the table.
“And I can’t wait around for you to decide that this is important to you,” he said, opening the door. The front door slammed and she sank back against her chair, her head falling to her arms on the table.
“I’m sorry, and I love you, too,” she whispered, the tears rolling down her cheeks. They’d only been back in each other’s lives for a few weeks, so why did it hurt more than it had years ago?