Page 12 of The Cleaner

I stare at him with so much disgust and contempt that he turns away. I'm done. I'm so done. He's proven time and time again that I'm not someone he cares for. What's that saying?'When someone shows you who they are, believe them.'Well, Ben has shown me too many times for me to not believe him.

"I'm not hungry," I tell him as I return back to my book. I don't want to talk anymore. It's not productive at all and it just makes me despise my dad even more.

He stays seated for a while longer. I can feel his heated gaze on me but I don't stop reading.

I think I've read the same three lines over and over again. My mind isn't computing what the words are conveying. But I won't look up. I won't give him that decency.

Thankfully, he rises to his feet and moves away from me. I release a long breath and blink away the tears that are forming. God, why is everything going wrong in my life?

It takes a few moments, but I'm able to gather myself together and continue reading. I only have an hour or so left before it gets dark and I'll have to go inside.

"There you are,"Tanya says as I enter the apartment a while later. It's dark out now and it's getting chilly. I didn't bring a jacket or blanket with me so I've had to retreat into the apartment.

"Here I am," I reply deadpan.

She purses her lips together, the disdain for me evident on her face. "Your father told me about your little conversation. I didn't think you were stupid," she says snidely. "Telling your father about the men I bring home... Tut-tut, you are a naughty girl."

I roll my eyes. God, she's so dramatic. "Worried the money will dry up if he uncovers just how much of a whore you truly are?"

Her blue eyes flash with anger. "Listen here, you stupid brat. Your father and I have a complex relationship. You will not ruin that. In fact, having a daughter as pathetic as you has really bonded your father and I together. You're useless, just like your mam was. It's time you realised that. You are a nobody. If it weren't for your father and I, you'd be dead, but we all know we'd be better off if you were."

"Well tough shit, bitch," I fire back, trying my hardest to not let her know that her words have affected me. "You're stuck with me now and there's nothing you can do about it. I'm going to enjoy making your life a fucking misery."

The smile she has is anything but sweet. "That's where you're wrong, sweetie," she says, her voice saccharine sweet. "You are going to die. In fact, you're going to do what you wanted to do weeks ago. But tonight, you're going to do it right." She walks toward her purse, which is lying on the side table, and I watch as she pulls out a length of rope. "This will do the job correctly."

She pushes the rope into my hands. "What?" I ask, horrified. She can't be serious. Surely not?

"You failed. If your father hadn't come into your room when he did, you'd have been dead. Now, he's gone and he'll be gone for a few hours. Use it, Lisa, and use it well. I never want to see your face again. You don't deserve love. You're a bitch who's taking up everyone's time. You're pathetic and weak, just like your mam was. It's time to put an end to all of our misery."

I stare down at the rope. It's thick and heavy. I swallow hard and think back to the conversation I just had with my dad. Maybe Tanya's right; maybe it'll be better for everyone if I just end it once and for all. The world would be a better place without me. I can be free and be with Ma.

I walk up the stairs. Every step that I take is heavy and filled with dread. I don't want to do this. I don't want to die. Even though I have so much pain and feel as though I'm drowning, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Dying isn't something I want. I just want to be free. Glancing down at Tanya, I watch as she glares at me, her foot tapping as she waits for me to end it all.

My hands are shaking, my entire body protesting, but I enter my bedroom and glance around. I see the perfect thing that will end it all. There's a beam above my doorframe. Swallowing hard, I drag the chair over and quickly tie the rope over the beam. I'mbreathing hard, my body is heavy, and I'm crying. I really don't want to do this.

"Hurry up, you pathetic bitch," Tanya yells from downstairs.

My heart is racing, but I know that this is it. There's no going back. I need to end the pain and misery. I don't want to be in a world where those who are supposed to love me, don't. Instead, they add to the pain I'm in. I tie the rope around my neck, making sure it's secure. I can hear Tanya's footsteps on the stairs and I tremble with fear. I take one last look around the room. This is it. I'm going to be reunited with my ma once again. I've missed her so much. I just wish Dad would have loved me like she did. If he had, I would have felt safe and secure. I would have been able to overcome the pain I was in and I would have survived. Instead, I'm doing something I don't want to do.

"Get on with it, you little cunt!" Tanya screams, her voice filled with hatred.

I jump at her words, fear coursing through me. I topple the chair from beneath my feet, and I'm suspended with the rope around my neck, the weight of my body pulling the knot taut. My heart races, my vision blurs, and I can feel my breaths growing shorter and more frantic. I don't want this. I really don't.

The world around me begins to fade into darkness as the rope tightens around my neck. I hear the sound of the front door slamming shut.

"Lisa?" Dad yells. There's worry in his voice. But it's too late. I'm slowly fading. As I begin to lose consciousness, Dad appears in front of me, a mask of horror on his face. "No," he cries. "Baby, please, no. I'm so sorry," he weeps. "Daddy's sorry. I'm so very sorry. Please don't do this."

I feel his hands lifting me up, holding me so the weight of the noose doesn't pull on my neck anymore. But the darkness is consuming me and it finally pulls me under. I welcome it with relief and gratitude.

My last conscious thought is the words Maura said to me this morning."You are stronger than you realise. You have the power to heal and overcome this darkness."

I wanted to be that person. Someone who was able to find the strength to be exactly who she and my ma believed I could be. But it's too late now. There's no going back.

The abyss pulls me under, greeting me once again.

Chapter

Six

---