Page 13 of The Cleaner

LISA

Three Years Later

"You sure you'reokay to go?" Orna questions me with a soft smile. "I know what date it is today."

It's three years to the day since I tried to take my own life for the second time. It's been three years of healing and trying to fix what Dad and Tanya broke in me during the three weeks they had me. Orna is my foster mam. She took me in when I needed her. She gave me a home and comforted me when I needed it. It wasn't easy. I was mean and horrible to her, but Orna is sweet and kind. She let me lash out verbally at her and then she'd talk with me.

"I'm okay to go," I assure her.

"Okay, honey, but if it gets too much, just call me. I'll come and pick you up."

I close my eyes and feel the love that she gives me. She's not my real ma, but I know Ma would be so happy that I'm here with her. That I'm finally free and happy. "Thanks, Mamaí," I say softly. "I'll be fine."

She shuffles forward and pulls me in for a hug. It took us eighteen months to get to the point where I'd feel comfortable with any sort of physical touch. My dad and Tanya's treatment of me left me twisted inside. I hated that I didn't have my dad when I needed him the most. I hated that I didn't have someone to protect me. Dad failed me, and in doing so he ruined me. I still have nightmares of that noose around my neck. I wake up gasping for breath and pleading with Tanya not to let me do it.

"Go, honey, have fun, and remember, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

I grin at her words, knowing she's saying them for my protection. She's worried I'll fall back into the horrors I was in when I came out of the hospital to live with her. I would get drunk and do drugs. I'd stay out late partying and having fun. I'm pretty sure Orna thinks I used sex as an escape, but I didn't. It was the one thing I didn't do. I'm not sure why. There were plenty of men who wanted it. I just couldn't bring myself to go there. I know Ma wouldn't have been proud had I done that. Orna knows everything that went down with my family. From my ma's depression and suicide, to my own failed attempts, to my dad and Tanya's treatment, and the words that Tanya said to me that night. Orna is my biggest supporter and advocate. Without her, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. She's been my rock, guiding me through the dark times and helping me find the light when I hit rock bottom.

Waking up in the hospital after that fateful night, I was shocked and hurt to find out that I was alone. I thought for sure that my dad would have been there waiting. But he wasn't. That's when a social worker, Eadan, came into my room with a bright smile, took a hold of my hand, and promised me everything would be okay. She didn't sugarcoat anything; she was upfront and honest. She let me know that my dad and Tanya had fled the county as the paramedics turned up, who overheard my dadshouting at Tanya. They heard Tanya confess to giving me the rope and pushing me to do it. It was a punch in the gut to know he had fled with her instead of staying with me.

Maura was a frequent visitor while I was in the hospital. She helped me work through the anger, pain, fear, and disappointment I was feeling. She was there for me to unleash all my inner emotions without judgment. It was day three of being in the hospital when Orna came to visit and Eadan told me that she was going to be bringing me home when I was released. Eadan helped Orna and I transition from strangers to two people who would be living together. Maura also helped me understand what would be happening.

Waking up in that hospital room, I felt alone and confused, but within days I felt as though I had support; people who I could turn to if I needed it.

Some days are hard, even now, three years down the line, but I have a support network around me that I can reach out to if I need it. I feel as though I'm finally breathing and living. I'm happy. That's not something I thought I'd ever feel, but I am. I'm happy and healthier than I've been in years.

The music isloud and thumping as I make my way through the throngs of people. The house party is filled to the brim. Most of the people here are people I don't know. But that's never stopped me from having fun before. Orna and I have an agreement. I don't usually drink alcohol, but if I ever do, I’m not to take any drink from people I don't know and I must always take a can that's unopened. She's strict about that and I respect her rules, so I rarely drink these days, having partied hard for the previous two years.

"Lisa," I hear my best friend, Clodagh, call out to me.

I spin on my heels and see her wearing a bright smile. Her eyes are glassy and she's got a bottle of beer in her hands. Hmm, seems my girl went on a bender today. She staggers toward me in her five inch heels, her blonde hair tied up into a messy bun, yet she still looks so beautiful. There's nothing better than her bright smile. Clodagh and I met two and a half years ago at a bereavement meeting, a place where kids and teens can go and meet others who have been through something similar. Clodagh is also in foster care. She lost her entire family five years ago to a crazed man who wanted to have an eleven year old Clodagh as his own. He managed to kidnap my friend and hold her hostage for two months before the police managed to track him down and find her.

Clodagh rushes toward me, our bodies colliding as we wrap our arms around one another. "You're here," she says giddily.

"I am, and you've been drinking," I say with a smile.

She grins, lifting her shoulders and shrugging. "We both know what day it is today. How are you holding up?"

Finding someone who knows somewhat what it feels like to go through the loss I did was something I needed. I found Clodagh at a time when I needed a friend. We were both standoff-ish at first. Neither of us wanted to expose what we'd been through—me, because of what happened with Tanya. I don't think I'll ever feel comfortable with people finding out about my suicide attempts, but I know I'm not pathetic and I'm not useless. I've worked hard to know that Tanya was full of shit. She was a jealous bitch who didn't want to share my father's attention. I'm better off without the two of them. For Clodagh, she didn't want anyone to know that a madman had taken her hostage and killed her entire family because he was fixated with her. She's scared that people will think the worst of her. Shewas eleven, for Christ’s sake. She didn't cause that sick fucker to fixate on her.

"I'm good. It's been a long three years, but I'm in a better place."

Her grin widens, brightening up her entire face. "Damn straight you are, girl. So we're partying, right?"

My brows knit together. "Celebrating what?"

"Lisa, it's been three years and this is the first time you're not feeling the pain and grief that awful day inflicted on you. It's time to celebrate the new you. The woman who is strong and resilient, and so fucking beautiful she makes me jealous. So damn sweet that you make me happy. And the best friend a girl could ever ask for."

Tears sting the back of my eyes. Damn her. That is without a doubt one of the nicest things someone's ever said to me.

"Okay," I whisper, trying to beat off the tears. "But you know Orna's rules."

She nods solemnly. "Yes, I know. Orna's got Tammy doing the same. I was warned before I left the house. But Tammy is someone I respect and care about. I won't betray the trust she has in me."

"Same with Orna. We lucked out with our foster parents."

She links her arm through mine. "We sure did. Has Orna thought about fostering more children?"

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