Page 55 of Mountain Protector

On an exhale, I admit, “No. I wouldn't.”

“Maybe you should talk to her about it. Or your old teammates. It might help.”

“Maybe.”

Her gaze assessing, Lark asks, “Is that why you’re afraid of letting me down?”

“It’s part of it.” Gut twisting, I reach back further in my memories and drag the worst of them out. “The other part… was my friend, Fitz. We met in Basic, served as Rangers together for over a year. And when I decided to try for the Green Berets, he did too.”

With a small smile, I add, “Fitz was great. He was this friendly, easygoing guy. Everyone liked him. And he was good. He breezed through the qualification course like it was nothing. But…”

“But?”

“I worried about him. He was so kind-hearted, I didn’t know how he’d handle it when he finally had to kill someone. It’s hard.”

Shit. As I look into Lark’s wide hazel eyes, I worry I said too much. “I mean?—”

“It’s okay. I get it.”

“We were assigned to different battalions. I went to Kentucky, and he went off to North Carolina. Then things got really busy. We tried to stay in touch as much as we could, but either I was overseas, or he was.”

“That seems normal, though?”

“I guess. But I wish I’d tried harder to keep tabs on him.” Regret expands in my chest, making it hard to breathe. “It had been a couple of months. And then… I got a message from his mother. Fitz…”

Shit.

Her voice is gentle. Soothing. “What, Knox?”

“He killed himself.”

Tears spring to Lark’s eyes. “Oh, Knox. I’m so sorry.”

“I feel so damn guilty about it. If I’d only called him more. Or… I don’t know. Done something.”

“Knox.” She strokes my beard as she looks at me, her forehead creased in thought. “That’s horrible. And I can’t even imagine how painful it must have been. How much it still hurts now. But it was not your fault. He had his own team watching out for him, and they didn’t see. His family didn’t even know. How were you supposed to when you weren’t even in the same country?”

“I don’t know. But we were friends. I?—”

“No. I understand feeling bad. But I promise, it was not your fault. Fitz made a choice. Was it a good one?No. But Knox, if you had talked to him, do you really think he would have told you what he was thinking? Or do you think he would have said everything was fine?”

Thinking back, I remember Fitz always smiling, always so positive. “He would have said everything was great. Even if it wasn’t.”

“Do you think he would want you blaming yourself?”

“No. I know he wouldn’t.”

“So…” Turning, Lark straddles me, tucking her legs up on either side of my waist. “Why are you hanging on to the blame? The guilt?”

Looking into her solemn gaze, I reply, “I don’t know. What you’re saying makes sense. It’s just?—”

“It’s hard to make your brain believe it. Like how I feel guilty about what happened, even though everyone else says it’s not my fault.” She pauses. “What if… you keep telling me until I believe, and I’ll do the same for you? I’ll remind you every day if it helps.”

Oh.

Shit.

This feeling inside me.

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