Page 58 of In the Grey of Dawn

Reborn.

This time when she tries to look at my face my arms loosen, allowing her to search me, her hands running over my body for some sort of reassurance.

“Pasha?”

The look of worry is still there as she says my real name. The only person to say it other than my brother, and it feels so right. In these moments together when it's just the two of us, the rest of the world has dropped away and it feels right for her to use that name.

“Can you call me Pasha whenever we’re alone? When it's just the two of us. I want you to use my name, my real name.”

My voice is raw and rasping as I ask her. My throat feels like there's something stuck in it, it's so hard to swallow, but I need her to use that name. I need her to see me, the real me. Tilting her head, she brings her hands across my chest and down my arms.

“Of course I can. I love your name. I … I … We should go back inside. You're cold and I need to clean your hand.”

She doesn't meet my gaze as she moves from my lap. Helping me stand, I follow her down the stairs and sit quietly in the kitchen while she tends to my wounds.

My knuckles are shredded, the blood long since dried. The room is so quiet, every small sound we make echoes across the apartment.

I can't get a read on her though. Her touches are warm and soft but her brow shows the small hint of uncertainty.

Leaving the bloodied gauze and antiseptic on the bench I guide her into the bedroom where we lie in each other's arms, her hands stroking my head with loving affection.

My eyelids are so heavy, the emotional drain of the morning catching up with me so when she whispers in my ear, “Sleep Pasha. You can rest now, we’re with you.”

I feel for the first time since I can remember that I'm not afraid of what sleep will bring, not afraid of any nightmares that I may face because I know with utter certainty that Lila is with me and she's not in any pain or suffering.

That she wants me to keep moving forward with Charlie.

That she wants me to live.

Chapter 34 - Porter

Darkness surrounds me when I wake however many hours later and my body feels heavy, still groggy from sleep. I feel more rested than I have in years but Charlie’s not in bed with me anymore. It's most likely been several hours so she's probably on the couch or down in the bar. My head feels so clear knowing exactly what I want for myself but my body feels like it's walking through sand. It's so hard to take note of everything that has happened in the last day but I know what to do now. Know with utmost certainty that Charlie is my person. I'm going in one hundred percent with her.

I love her.

I want her to yell at me, laugh with me and live every day like it's our last. I want her to test me and comfort me all at the same time. I want her exactly how she is and there's no doubt in my mind she wants me like that too.

Making my way into the kitchen I can see the mess from earlier has been cleaned. The bloody reminder of my grief no longer scattered pieces of stained gauze on the kitchen bench. In its place, however, is the jar of copper coins.

The jar of coins that is my constant reminder of everything I took and everything I lost. A note rests against itand I know it's from Charlie, the seed of doubt I just destroyed rearing to come back, threatening to crumble my whole world all over again.

I let go of the breath I was holding as I read it. It's just another testament to her and everything she is, as even in her note she's still giving more of herself to me, reassuring me thatI don't need to forget my past to have a future. Most of the morning was a haze of turmoil and emotion but she's said the words I want to hear in so many different ways and just like this note, she's telling me she loves me but I've never said it back, I never truly listened. Never reassured her that I feel the exact same way about her.

That ours is a kind of love that most people never find.

I will sacrifice everything to have her and destroy anything I need to to keep her. Someone blessed me the day I found this kind of love with Lila and now I have the opportunity to have it again. I need to find her and let her know that she is loved, that I'm in love with her and she better be ready for me because ours was a love written in the dawn.

Taking my keys, wallet, and phone, I head down to the bar to check she's not there before looking at her apartment, then Beans, Nova's house, Ace’s house, hell, I’ll even go to Dante and Mila’s building site if that’s where she’s gone to. I can't let another minute pass before she knows how I feel about her.

Mel must be changing the music because I should have heard the bass vibrating through the building by now. I stomp down the stairs, not worrying about how loud I’m being and switch on the light to the small hallway, but nothing happens. Everything remains dark. Flicking the switch again, the hallway is still dim. The bulb must have blown or maybe Dimi is up to one of his tricks. Gods knows the last time I walked into the bar like this and caught him hugging my girl. Today of all days is not the time to pull that stunt.

Turning my phone flashlight on, I walk past my office door so focused on my plan to find Charlie that I don't register that the music is still not playing. There is no glow of light surrounding the door into the bar and no noise from the bustleof people or banging from the kitchen staff. Everything is quiet when it should be overwhelmingly noisy.

Bringing up my phone contacts I'm about to call her to check her location, lost in the need to hear her voice, so when I push open the door to the bar it takes me a second to take in my surroundings and know that everything is wrong.

The hair on my neck stands on end and in the second it takes to realise how careless I've been, is all the time needed for the person waiting in the shadows to shoot their gun.

The loud echo of a single shot reverberates through my body as my leg gives out, causing me to crash to the floor.

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